


A to Z

by harrymonalisa



Category: One Direction (Band), zayn malik - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Mild Blood, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Mild Smut, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-23 05:59:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 55,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4865666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrymonalisa/pseuds/harrymonalisa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I remember it so clearly that sometimes I wonder if I've made up the whole story, like the kind of lie you tell so often that you start to falsely remember things that never really happened. Except you were very real, and I still can't wrap my head around how we came to be, how you came to me."</p><p>Reflections can be bitter, or sometimes too sweet, but Alexis remembers it all. These are her stories of what Zayn meant to her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! First off, I'm really bad at summaries so I apoligise for that in advance. Secondly, this is a blurb style I'm trying out so these chapter won't be continuous, but they still tell a story and I'm so excited to try this! Enjoy :)

It was August of 2015, I remember it so clearly that sometimes I wonder if I've made up the whole story, like the kind of lie you tell so often that you start to falsely remember things that never really happened. Except you were very real, and I still can't wrap my head around how we came to be, how you came to me.   
School had just started and I'd been so terrified to leave home and start a new chapter, even if leaving home meant just leaving my parents house for the local university. I still had to adjust to a new living space, new roommates, and a new schedule. I'd grown up in Minneapolis so I knew the campus pretty well already but it was still odd experiencing it from the inside, as a student with more access to buildings and clubs and dorms. It was the first week of classes and everything was in full swing. I was studying for one of my design classes at my tiny desk inside my tiny room when the loneliness started to kick in. Sure, I had a roommate but I barely knew her at this point so there wasn't much conversation and I didn't want to be a bother to her while she was also hard at work so I'd decided to take a walk.   
I started wandering with no destination really in mind and before I knew it, I was at the local Starbucks and I laughed to myself because come on, how cliche could I be? Caffeine wasn't such a bad idea though so I stumbled inside with the intention of unwinding with a cup of tea while people-watching. Maybe I could get inspired for my next designs here? Probably not, after all it was just broke college students roaming in and out.  
I ordered my drink and took a seat in the far corner of the shop, near the biggest window because when there's sunlight in Minnesota, you take advantage of it. I didn't know it then, but the next five minutes were about to change my life.   
You walked in and immediately caught my eye with your experimental faded haircut and perfectly trimmed facial hair. Your leather jacket gave the vibe that you were too cool for such a sellout place, yet here you were, in the same room as me. I watched you walk from the door to the register, you looked so calm and collected and I envied your careless act. I, on the other hand, cared too much about the change and the schoolwork and the stress of paying for a dorm, that even people watching wasn't doing the trick of relaxing me. I continued to stare and minutes felt like seconds, you ordered your drink and stood by the counter waiting for your name to be called. You didn't fidget like I would have and I also envied that. You looked so sure of yourself and didn't need your phone as a crutch to pass the time like I would have. You also looked around the room to take in your surroundings, also very much unlike me, and that's when our first moment of eye contact happened. Those chocolate brown eyes, they found mine, and I swear to you, everything they say in the movies made sense. Every corny line in every romantic poem made sense. That one look made me blush, but I couldn't look away. You smiled a crooked grin and barely nodded your head to me and it was all over from there. I was already in too deep. I smiled back and the moment was over, you looked away to continue scanning the place and I hoped you'd make your way back to me but you never did.  
"Zayn!" The barista's voice broke my concentration and I repeated the name to myself. Zayn. What a beautiful name for a beautiful boy. I watched as your grabbed your drink, thanked her, and walked out that door.   
I found myself wandering back to that Starbucks everyday for about two weeks in hopes of meeting you there again, but it must not have been in the cards for us then.   
It wasn't until about two months later, when mid-October rolled around and I had signed up for a late-start extra class to cushion my schedule and fill up more time. I'd found my other classes were fairly easy since they were introductions to things like drawing and design and computer works so I decided I might as well take a fun class and found a creative writing workshop also through the university. It was on the other side of campus from where I was staying so I came running in a bit late that first day, already making a bad impression it felt like as I sat down in one of the last empty seats in the back of the room. Since it was a workshop, the class consisted of only about 25 students so the teacher did roll call to get a feel for everyone's names.   
"Alexis Jenson," she called and I raised my hand like a five year old raising their hand for a snack. A little over-eager, but I'd preferred to be excited than bored so I wasn't embarrassed by the glances my way. A few other unrecognizable names were called until she got to the M's and my whole body froze.  
"Zayn Malik," her voice rang through the classroom and I immediately searched for you. Sure enough, your leather jacket was on the back of your chair in the center of the front row. I giggled to myself because I thought I was eager, but you had me beat. You had to have gotten there much sooner than me to get that prime seat. Glances came back my way from my audible laughter and I covered my mouth hoping you were one of the few who didn't hear me. That day dragged knowing there would be no realistic reason for me to find my way to the front just to talk to you, so I promised myself that next week, I'd be early.   
The third week of October was when things really started happening. I was the first one to class which meant I was the first one to choose a seat and I chose front and center, just one seat to the left so you could keep your seat from last week. Not that assigned seats were true, but it was still an unspoken rule. You walked in and because it was fairly warm for October, you'd left your jacket at home. If I thought your face was unfair in the way it seemed to be sculpted by the finest artists I'd studied in high school, I had another thing coming. You wore a simple white tee shirt that showed off your arms and I honestly thought I would pass out right then and there. Just as I'd thought, you came to sit in your same seat from the previous week and as you walked past, you noticed me and smiled that crooked grin again. I wasn't sure if you remembered but I hoped that maybe you did.  
As the teacher lectured about writing techniques, I stole glances at your arms and the art you had tattooed. I smiled to myself hoping to one day see the top of your sleeves and maybe your other tattoos if there were any. I guess you saw me though because I caught you smiling back and I felt like we had a little secret nobody else knew. We continued to smile beside each other for the next 30 minutes and that night my face felt sore from the dimples that stayed on my cheeks until I fell asleep.   
The fourth week of October, after class, you asked me if I was the girl you'd seen at the beginning of the semester and my stomach bursted with butterflies because I somehow made a lasting impression that day in Starbucks.   
"That was me, yes," I answered while packing up my things and smiling at the ground to avoid looking directly at you.   
"I knew it! I couldn't forget those eyes for days," and the combination of your words said in your smooth, calming voice, I was done for. You'd been thinking about me too. I finally met your eyes and it felt like looking into the sun, I'd never felt something this instantaneous before. "Well, Miss Jenson, would you care to join me at Starbucks and we can get a start on this ridiculous assignment?" You were talking about our first prompt- Where The Wild Things Are- which had the only requirement of being five pages long and having the wildest storyline that it was okay if some of it didn't make sense. I nodded and followed you across campus to our first meeting spot where we set up shop and sat together for the next few hours, enjoying each others company in silence while we concentrated and sometimes huffed in frustration at how our stories were coming along. It was such a simple day, but it still counts as one of my favorites because we didn't know it then, but that was our first date. You walked me home and though we were both too shy for anything more than a hug, I was still melting from the inside out after letting you go and I hoped you felt the same.   
Zayn Malik soon became my favorite combination of words. A close second to Miss Jenson, but that's only because they came from your lips.


	2. Cherry On Top

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You tightened your grip on me and pushed me forward a bit to continue walking before telling me to behave myself, your lips almost touching my skin. My heart started racing and all I could picture was the inevitable first kiss at the end of this date. Time couldn't fly fast enough."

First dates are always awkward. Add on the fact that I didn't know where we were going and you've got bundles of nerves that won't easily be calmed. Sure we'd spent time together before, studying and pretending to help each other with our stories for class, but this was our first official date. One with no business attached, it was time for just us. You told me to dress the way I did for class because I looked perfect every time, but I never told you that I spent more than an hour getting ready for workshop because I knew you'd be there. Every other class got to see me in sweatpants and plain tee shirts, but for you I put in a little more effort. November weather was beautiful in Minnesota, with just the beginnings of snowfall so buildings weren't buried yet and sidewalks were still able to be cleared. The weather that year was mild anyway, so I could still get away with a jacket for our date instead of a full-on winter bundle.  
That morning was the longest because it felt like nothing but a waiting game. I'd waken up early because my brain was racing too much to allow me to sleep, so I decided on a short walk to clear my head. Around the block, nothing too far, and I'd be back home. Ellie, my roommate, rose from her bed just long enough to tell me the burrito store down the road was having a buy one, get one free sale today and I laughed under my breath, thanking her for letting me know. Half asleep and yet she still wanted to remind me of free food. What a typical college student move that was.  
Once I was outside, I felt a weight clear. The sun was out that day and it made me smile knowing the weather was on my side for once. The neighborhood was quiet and the silence made it feel like a Sunday morning, full of grace and like the world was at ease. A silence before the storm type of feeling, almost too calm but I didn't mind. The burrito shop wouldn't have been open that early so I wandered aimlessly until my body showed signs of wanting to give in and go back to the heat.  
The rest of the afternoon consisted of Ellie and I dancing to her records, another thing to keep my nerves at bay. Ellie's favorites were Halsey and Elvis, so those were the background noise to me shuffling around the dorm, deciding on an outfit and laughing with her about our choice of dance moves.  
Three o'clock finally rolled around and I was still running around the dorm like a mad woman putting on finishing touches when you knocked at my door. Ellie saw the fear in my eyes and laughed before telling me I looked perfect and opened the door for you. I ran to the bathroom, just to check for myself, and overheard you guys discussing how excited I was to, "finally be leaving this damn room." Those were Ellie's words. My cheeks turned pink and I took that as my cue to rescue myself from further embarrassment and leave the bathroom. I stepped out into our living area and you looked over to me, smiling your signature crooked grin.  
"You look amazing," you stated simply, the crinkles by your eyes showing themselves and making me giggle. You wore your same leather coat with black skinny jeans and I noticed you'd taken a bit more time on your hair since instead of laying flat across your forehead, your fringe stuck straight up a bit more into a small quiff. You caught me eyeing it and immediately touched it yourself, asking if it was too much. "Nah, I think it's perfect," I tallied back and now it was your turn to blush.  
"Well, you two better get a move on! Daylight won't last forever!" Ellie basically swept us out the door, and I know she only did it because she was ready to see me move past my homesick, homebody phase. She'd told me if I didn't switch it up a little, I'd be gaining more than the freshman 15 from the brownies I continuously ate every night while studying and crying over Netflix alone. I mentally thanked her for the push and every intention behind it as you and I walked down the hall towards your car.  
"Your roommate seems nice," you offered to lighten the awkward tension that hung in the air.  
"Yeah, she's pretty awesome. I've never shared a room before since I'm an only child, so she feels like the sister I never had growing up."  
"Permanent slumber parties and pillow fights?" You raised an eyebrow at me.  
"Of course! And only in our underwear, and sometimes the feathers fly everywhere and cover the room so we can't leave for days or else the mess will spread to the whole floor!" The sarcasm in my voice so thick, you could spread it with a knife.  
"Ah, so that's what she meant about you finally leaving that damn room?" You smirked at me and I felt myself turning bright red again. I nudged into you and yelled something along the lines of, "Heeey," the word drawn out and mock offense on my face, but then you grabbed my hand so naturally, I couldn't remember if this was the first time you held me or not. We felt good together.  
We got to your car and you raced to my side, pulling open the door before I had a chance, the smile on your face growing wider as if to say, 'Look! I'm such a gentleman!' As you closed the door, I laughed and whispered under my breath to myself about chivalry not being completely dead.  
You climbed into your side and turned to me with an expression I couldn't quite read yet. "I know this is weird, but you need to put this blindfold on. I don't want you to see where we're going til we get there." I felt a pang in my gut that told me I was going to get murdered, that this was how every scary movie started and that I was willingly about to walk into my death. I looked down at the cloth in your hands, then back to you and your eyes looked so hopeful, but I was still unconvinced. "Pleeease," Now you were the one drawing out words and the plead reminded me of a child, you looked so innocent. I glanced back to the blindfold before nodding my head yes. I don't know why, but I trusted you.  
"I hope you like this idea, I stayed up way too late trying to come up with something clever but alas, this is your home town so I'm sure you've seen it all before," you kind of chuckled as your hands went to work covering my eyes and tying the bandana around my head. I had faith in you though, plus I wanted this date so badly that I was sure anything would've made me fall in love.  
The drive felt like forever, and I tried to keep track of the turns in my mind to give myself a hint, but I was lost after the third stop. I let my mind wander instead as the only noise that filled the car was the radio. The anticipation was built up enough that I didn't mind us not speaking then.  
"We're here," you turned down the radio to tell me as you touched the knot in the bandana at the back of my head. I thought you were going to remove it, but instead you patted it around my face to make sure everything was still in place and asked if I was ready to walk.  
"Ready to walk? With this thing on still?"  
You laughed and even though I was slightly annoyed, I found myself smiling too. "Yeah babe, I'll guide you but you need to keep this on." My heart froze at the word babe, and I found myself thinking I'd do anything you asked if you kept calling me that.  
"Are we at least somewhere private so people won't see me stumbling around?" I held my arms out in front of me, reaching for any sort of clue as to where you had taken me. All I felt were your hands which found their way to my hips in order to guide me along the way. We started walking, you directly behind me to steer.  
Suddenly I felt your breath along my neck, your mouth closer to me as you whispered, "Nope, we're outside so everyone can see. I'll be sure to tell you about every person staring, don't worry." I stopped walking making your run into me and I nudged into you again, the grin on my face getting wider even though I felt completely helpless and slightly embarrassed. You tightened your grip on me and pushed me forward a bit to continue walking before telling me to behave myself, your lips almost touching my skin. My heart started racing and all I could picture was the inevitable first kiss at the end of this date. Time couldn't fly fast enough.  
You led me down a sidewalk, that much I could tell, and we went up a few steps before you told me to step back down. I was going through every place in the city with somewhere this could be, but I kept coming up short. Finally, my boots hit the snow and I assumed we were on what would've been grass had this been summer. You grabbed my shoulders and placed me in a very specific direction before reaching for my blindfold, this time untying the knot to reveal your big surprise.  
I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, letting my pupils adjust to the brightness of the sun reflecting off the blanket of snow in front of me. I was right, we were standing in a yard inside a sculpture garden. In front of me stood the giant bent white spoon with the cherry sitting at the top, bright red and gleaming. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. I'd been here a thousand times before. I'd told you I was from here and grew up here, so I was confused on why you thought this would be unique. Maybe you could read me easily, even back then, or maybe you were nervous from my quietness, but you broke the silence first.  
"It's the most famous thing we're known for," you started and I looked to you, waiting for an explanation. "And I know it's not anything new to us by now, but people come here from miles away, hundreds of miles, to see this big dumb cherry resting on top a spoon. I thought maybe if I brought you here, I could see what I saw the first time I stood here. We could see it as something new together. I don't ever want to get used to spectacular things, I want to keep the wonder you know? I thought maybe we could find it together?" I could tell the nerves I felt this morning were now inside of you, so I stepped closer to you and something washed over me. I'd never been the kind to take matters into my own hands, especially with something so new as us, but I couldn't help it. Before I was able to change my mind, I took your face into my hands and kissed you in front of that famous sculpture. The taste of that first kiss is still ingrained into my mind, the mint with a subtle taste of smoke. Your warmth overtook me and washed away the chill I was starting to feel around us. You put your hands on my waist, and I felt the electricity in every spot you touched.  
The end came just as fast as it started and the shock on your face when I pulled away was priceless, I couldn't keep from giggling again.  
"Well..." You searched for words and I so badly wanted to lean in again, but there were families around who I was sure didn't come to see two college students make out so I contained myself. "I wasn't expecting that... This wasn't even the best date idea so I just... Okay," you nervously chuckled and grabbed for my hand again like you did in my dorm hallway.  
"I know. This is actually a terrible date idea," I started and you nudged me this time. "And that speech was the corniest thing I've heard in my life, but the thought was so adorable. I'm glad you chose here. I never want to lose that sense of wonder either."  
"You know, I'm an art major. So the first time I came here, I felt like a kid in a candy store. Not gonna lie, I was one of those people who came here from miles away. I was 13 when my family first came to America to visit and of all the places to see, I chose here." You went on to tell me where you were from, which was a small town in England, and about your family, how they traveled a lot while you were growing up so that's what inspired you to start making art. "Seeing so many parts of the world makes your perspective grow, and mine grew so much that I didn't know how to contain it. I started with pencils and worked my way up to paint, but I've never been good at manipulating 3D mediums like clay or anything, so I've never dipped into sculptures. I think that's why I came all the way here, because I heard there were lots of those."  
While walking around to see the other sculptures, I told you about how I was a major in design, specifically clothing and a little bit of advertising in case the first part never came through for me. You said you had the same back-up plan and we laughed at how similar our plans were. I couldn't help but wonder how we'd never met before.  
"And just so you know, I've been to England once too," I tried impressing you since not many people got the chance to travel like we did. "My dad had a business trip over there so I followed him and was able to explore on my own while he had his meetings."  
"Did you ever make it up to Bradford?"  
"No, but I made it up to Manchester and York, and then of course we spent time in London."  
"Was London, like, the best thing you've ever seen?!" You put on a terrible Valley Girl California accent and I swatted your arm for making fun of me.  
"Actually, it was okay. I saw the London Eye and Big Ben and all those things you see in every British film. Oh! And the red phone booths! Those were cool, you don't see things like that everyday."  
"Actually in England you do. Alexis, you're so cliche," you batted your eyes at me to let me know you were joking but I still rolled my eyes at you anyway.  
"What happened to 'I don't want to lose the wonder' and 'I want to appreciate everything in life?' This garden is cliche, Zayn." I turned on my heel and started walking to a different sculpture, you right behind me trying to keep up.  
"Touche Miss Jenson. I'm still learning so cut me some slack." You snaked your arm around me holding me close to you so I couldn't walk away again.  
We strolled around the garden for maybe another hour, admiring each piece and sharing bits about ourselves before the cold started settling in my bones and my toes lost all feeling. A mild winter still meant winter in every sense of the word. Even though everything in me dreaded it, I asked if I could be taken home. I was just a bitty thing and I felt every breeze, so I was still grateful I was able to hold out that long.  
You drove us back to my dorm and this time instead of letting the radio take the stage, the car was filled with our banter and hand holding the entire way. Once we were inside my parking garage, you walked me back to my door, the excitement of a goodbye kiss lingering in the air.  
"Alexis, I had a lot of fun today," your crooked grin gave away more than I'm sure you were willing to tell me. That same feeling from earlier flooded through me, the one to lean in, but I held back and waited for you to make the first move this time. "Next time I promise we can go somewhere more exciting, or to get food if you like food? ... Of course you like food. I just mean if you'd rather that then we can do that. Or like bowling? My roommate just took his girl and she had a lot of fun. I don't know," you were rambling and it was the single cutest thing I'd witnessed since my last trip to the Humane Society with all the kittens. I like kittens, but I have to say, I think you were cuter.  
"Your roommate took his girl bowling?" I looked up at you and felt myself blushing for the millionth time that day.  
You nodded your head, probably thankful I cut you off.  
"Are you saying you'd want me to be your girl to take bowling?"  
You nodded again and stepped a little closer so we were face to face, besides the fact that you were almost a head taller than me. You looked down at me and your eyes sparkled, I swear, under those fluorescent lights. "If you'd like, I'd like you to be my girl?" I never felt special having brown eyes because everyone always coos over the blues and greens, but the flecks of gold floating in your eyes and the way they shined made me proud of my own. I hoped you were looking into mine as deeply as I was yours, because I was lost in them with no intention of being found.  
You finally broke our gaze and lowered your eyes to find my lips. I felt the heat rise back to my cheeks and I bit my lower lip, nodding to your question from a couple moments ago. You leaned down, your left hand on my cheek while your right hand found its place on my lower back, those trails of electricity back and burning heavier than before. Your lips felt warm against mine, the ends of your mouth curling up as the kiss got deeper. Your tongue tasted almost sweet, but maybe that's an exaggeration from how much I wanted you. The smell of your aftershave filled my lungs and the touch of your leather jacket became a familiar feeling as I wrapped my arms around your neck and held you there, hoping it would never end. When I started to pull away, you followed me, keeping us connected as I was bent backwards a little. I couldn't help but laugh a little at how hungry we were and I was thankful you felt it too.  
When we finally did let go, I had to count my breathing back to normal as I stepped into my dorm. Ellie looked up from her studying and shrieked, telling me to spill the whole thing. "And stop smiling like that, you look like a freak," she joked which made me crack up even more because I'm sure she thought I was crazy. Even crazier when I told her how you'd asked me to be yours, but I didn't care because nothing felt too fast with you. The whole thing felt like a whirlwind. I can't remember the exact moment our lives became so entwined, but from that day after, I found myself next to you more often than not.


	3. Stuffing and Mash

Winter of 2015 was a bit of a blur, everything happened so fast and it was a time when we experienced many of our firsts together. 

The more I learned about you, the more I wanted to know. You were like an endless cycle of stories, ones I could listen to for hours on end without growing tired and I liked that about you. One of your first stories was about how you'd grown up in a household that may have looked divided from the outside, but on the inside you were whole. Your mother came from a typically English background, carrying on Catholic traditions while your father was also English, but came from a Pakistani lineage, bringing Muslim values to the table. Not to say your mother was converted, but she fell in love with a man of different beliefs and wanted to learn more about them, similar to myself, so she followed through his traditions with an open mind and allowed you to discover which made more sense to you, and that's how you found yourself to identify as Muslim. Your family became a melting pot centered around love and happiness, and I admired you for those qualities and how you brought them into everything you did. 

It was my turn so I told you about how I'd grown up in a Christian home. My mother was part of our church growing up and became an important leader of sorts, creating activities in the community and making sure they ran smoothly. When I was a child, she was diagnosed with a degenerative disease causing her to slowly lose mobility, but that never stopped her passion and involvement. She still creates art, holds events, and she still moves mountains in my eyes. She also gives excellent advice, so when I brought you up one weekend in mid-November, she was all ears and excited to hear about this mysterious man that made my heart go hay-wire. We were baking pumpkin bread in my old kitchen, talking about everything new since I'd gone away to school and didn't really have much time for consistent phone calls home. 

"Zayn is just a boy from school mom," I tried to cover up just how deep I was since it scared me sometimes. We went from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye, I didn't know how to explain it and sound sane, so I downplayed it the best I could. 

"Tell me about him, if he's 'just a boy' then. You brought him up, he must be of some kind of importance." She prodded me with a grin on her face, seeing through my nonchalance.

I started measuring out the ingredients, pretending to focus on the measurements from the recipe. "He's honestly the one keeping me sane. Besides for Ellie of course. She's such a great roommate and she doesn't hover and we have so many similar interests. She's also got fantastic taste in music, which comes in handy when we want to get our minds off things-"

  
"That's great honey, but Zayn?" She cut me off to bring my attention back to you and I couldn't help but laugh at how she knew my tricks of avoiding situations. 

"Right. Zayn... He's..." I wasn't sure where to start. I turned to preheat the oven and finished mixing the dough, the bowl in one hand and a whisk in the other. "He's from England ya know?"

"What part?" She was so curious of you. I could tell she knew how involved we were before I said too much and I wasn't sure if my transparency was a good thing or a bad thing- if you were able to tell so much about me as well. I thought I might as well spill it now rather than later, before she bugged me too much. 

"Bradford. And he's really sweet mom." I flicked the whisk, caught up in the rant I was about to start, and accidentally sprinkled a bit of mix on her. She gaped her mouth in surprise and I ran to grab a paper towel, wiping her down and sharing a laugh before continuing. "One night I was studying for a test and he came by without me asking just to bring me a latte for some caffeine to keep going. He's also in the creative writing class I'm taking so he's artsy and he's told me he likes to paint. I haven't really seen much of his work but the things he has shown me have been incredible. The way he envisions things and just... brings them to life? It almost makes me jealous. He's so much fun too, like since he's not from here, he's constantly trying to find new things to see so it's kind of like I'm seeing the city for the first time when he takes me out." I stopped to take in a breath, remembering some of my favorite places we'd gone over the last few weeks. 

"Does he take you out often?" She was watching me pour the mix into a bread pan, still smiling. 

"Yes," I turned on the timer for 70 minutes and walked to our couch, my mom turning to still face me in her chair. "We've gone out a few times and I really like him." The butterflies in my chest were back and I felt like a school girl speaking about her crush on the playground. 

"Are you going to make things official?" The question was out and I knew I couldn't avoid how interdependent we were anymore.

"We kind of already have," I monitored her face and saw the slight drop in her smile but she regained composure as fast as she'd lost it. 

"How long ago?"

"Just about three weeks. I was going to tell you but I didn't want to jinx anything, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess I can see that," she looked out the windows of the living room and I felt my heart shatter. I thought about telling her that first day I saw you but then things didn't work out like I'd hoped. When they did, like when we first hung out alone, I wanted to keep you as something for myself. You were my little secret I felt I needed to protect. I should've known better though, I tell her everything and you shouldn't have been an exception. 

"Mom, I love you, you know this. Me not telling you had nothing to do with you, I was just scared. You know how I get, I fall madly for people all the time. I tell you about every beautiful boy I see, but I didn't want you to think Zayn was just one of those." She looked back at me then. "Because he's not, mom. He's so much more."

"Invite him to Thanksgiving. I want to meet this boy that's got you keeping secrets." Her smile was back but it didn't meet her eyes and I could tell she was suddenly unsure about you.

~~~ 

The next day I packed up my weekend bag and made my way back to my dorm and back to you. You met me at the parking garage and followed me up to my room to stay with me until I fell asleep, keeing up with our usual nightly plans. Ellie was out with one of her other friends when we made it inside so we had my dorm to ourselves. You sat on the edge of my bottom bunk to take off your shoes before propping your feet up to lay across it while I unpacked. You started playing a game on your phone and a few moments of silence passed before I decided then was as good of time as any to pass along my mother's invite for next week. 

"Hey Zayn?"

You looked up from your phone and nodded for me to go on. 

"What're you doing for fall break? I mean, I know Thanksgiving is an American thing, so what do you usually do?"

"Last year I flew home, but it was my first year away and I was really missing my family."

"Are you kidding me? You spent all that money to go home for four days?" When you talked about your family, I must've missed the money part.

"I way overshot how expensive everything would be here and I saved like double what I needed so I had a bit of extra cash, plus I did a bit of maintenance at the Walker Art Center for a while so it added up." You shrugged like an international flight every so often was no big deal.

"Okay, so now that I know you're a secret millionaire," you caught me off guard with the weirdest cackle I'd ever heard in my life, making me laugh along as well. "Anyway!" I tried to continue, "If you plan on staying here this year-"

"I do," you butted in before I could finish. I threw my loofah from my bag at you to make you shut up and listen to me. 

"Since you're staying here, would you like to come to my house for Thanksgiving? I brought you up to my mom yesterday-"

"Did you tell her how dashing I am?" You cut me off again in your thickest English accent and I gave you a glare, half to warn you to stop interrupting me and half because you sounded so conceited. I knew you were joking but still I rolled my eyes for emphasis. 

"No, now stop! Do you want to come home with me or not?"

Silence. Now you decided to stay quiet.

"Zayn, you can talk now..."

You gave me that lopsided grin knowing you were getting under my skin and loving every second of it. "Do I have to bring a dish? Because fun fact, I'm not that bad of a cook." You winked and threw the loofah back to me before standing up and walking across my room to where I was standing. My breath hitched in my throat from your close proximity and I had to concentrate on what it was you had just asked me.

"It's Thanksgiving, my family will do all the hard work. You just need to show up."

You grabbed my waist and pulled me to you before whispering in my ear, "You'll be there, of course I'll come." I could feel your breath along my neck but you still felt too far away. I nudged your lips closer to my skin, but you pulled away instead, letting go of me to walk into the bathroom. Frustrated and confused, I yelled out to you, "Just for that, I'll hold you to that cooking. I expect a five course meal some time soon!"

"You're just too fun to tease, I couldn't help it!" I heard the smile in your voice from the other room and rolled my eyes again, going back to unpacking my things. 

~~~

  
The next week flew by with the anticipation of a break. A few days off from essays and deadlines was just what I needed and the excitement of bringing you home to everyone I loved added jittery nerves to that anticipation. I drove us since I knew the directions and though it only took about 30 minutes, the drive seemed to last forever. 

You reached over and placed your hand on my thigh to calm me. "I almost think you're more nervous than I am," you tried joking to ease my tension. I just smiled in return because I think you were right. 

Once we were in my aunt's driveway, I put the car in park and tried taking a deep breath. "Zayn, I... I think I'm going to pass out." My breathing kept coming in shallow waves and I wasn't quite able to catch it. 

"Alexis, they'll love me won't they? I mean, I think you think I'm pretty cool so why won't they?" Your eyes were soft and your hand started drawing circles on my skin to sooth me. I knew I probably sounded childish but I was too worried to care. 

"I don't know, I'm just nervous they're going to put you on the spot or make something awkward. Families do that and it's a holiday so there's more people and they made ham. I'm so sorry, I asked for turkey since you don't eat pork and they said they'd think about it but what if they forgot? Then you'll starve and never want to come back and what if you hate everyone and what if-" My mother's face from the weekend before flashed in my mind and I was hoping she wouldn't hold a grudge for not telling her immediately. I was so caught up in my thoughts and every worst case scenario that I barely had time to register your lips on mine. Once I did though, every bad thought slipped away and it was just you and me in my car. My only 'what if' in that moment was what if you stopped kissing me? I didn't want that to happen.

I leaned into you, wrapping my arms around your neck and feeling the leather of your jacket, tasting your familiar mint mixed with leftover smoke from the cigarette you finished back at my dorm. I reached up to tangle my hands in the hair you'd spent way too long trying to prefect, smiling against you because I prefered your messy look anyway.   
You moved from kissing my mouth to my cheeks, up and over my nose, until you placed the most delicate peck to my forehead, lingering there and holding me until my breathing came back to normal and I was able to think clearly. 

"I think you're confused Miss Jenson, I'm supposed to be the one freaking out in this situation." 

I pulled away slightly to look back up at you, the sparkle in your eyes brighter than ever from the sunshine and snow surrounding the ground around us. "You're right, I think they'll love you. You're too cute, them thinking anything else is impossible." It was your turn to roll your eyes at me this time, but then you kissed my nose one last time before letting me go and asking if I was ready to go inside. 

Walking in the front door, we were immediately faced by my uncle and a few cousins who were gathered around watching football. They hardly noticed our entrance though, so their greetings were a few quick waves and a couple how are you's before they shifted their attention back to the tv. Walking further into their house, we found my aunt, my mother, and another one of my cousins in the kitchen, all sitting around the table talking to pass the time while a few dishes cooked in the oven. The room smelled fantastic and the familiar scent of my favorite holiday foods made my nerves settle a little. I walked over to my aunt, you in tow directly behind me, and I gave her a hug since I hadn't seen her in a while. I hugged my mom and cousin next while they all looked to you, smiling the biggest grins I'd seen on them since probably the Christmas before. 

"This must be Zayn," my aunt stood and at the same time, you stuck out your hand for a shake but she went in for a hug. I giggled a bit at the awkward exchange but you handled it like a trooper and finished the room with hugs for all three ladies. 

"My name's Mary," My aunt started with the introductions as we took a seat around the table opposite of her. "This is Kate, Alexis' mother, and that's my daughter over there trying to figure out how to tell when a turkey is done." I looked to you and felt relieved that they actually listened to me. "Sit down guys! I was just telling your mom how excited I am to have another body here," She turned to you and winked. "It gets pretty boring with the same old people every year, it's nice to have fresh faces ya know?"

"Glad to know we aren't enough," my mom joked with her and they laughed as they continued their conversation from before, some story reminising the good old days. You held my hand under the table and I felt the pink in my cheeks from your simple gesture. 

~~~

  
The timer for the turkey went off and by that time I was starving. We hadn't eaten all day to save room for this and it was finally the moment of truth. My uncle carved the turkey and handed us the wishbone, saying it was ours to split and you ended up with the bigger piece. You kissed my cheek and told me not to worry, that your wish involved me and that got a few awes from the ladies around us. 

Everyone then got in line along the counters of the kitchen to spoon pieces of each dish onto their plates, piling on way too much as usual. You stayed at the table, letting everyone else go first so I decided to just make both of our plates as I went. I mouthed each item to you in question of whether or not you liked it and you nodded or shook your head no in response. Mashed potatoes? Nod. Chicken and noodles? Nod. Green beans? The most dramatic nod I'd ever seen, so it was safe to assume those were your favorites and it got a giggle out of me because they were mine too. Stuffing? Instead of an answer, you mouthed, "you look really hot," making my skin flare and I dropped the spoon I was holding, earning a look from everyone and my aunt Mary asking if everything was alright. "Yeah, it just slipped," I covered it up and looked back to see you winking at me. You were going to be the death of me, I swear. 

"So Zayn, I hear you're an art major like Alexis. What's your plan?" My mother tried to casually question you once we were all sat but I knew her underlying intentions. She wanted to know if I was in those plans. 

"This is my second year here, and I really like it so I think I'm going to graduate from the U of M, but afterwards I might go out west. I want to maybe do art for a company out there, some design things or whatever they'd want. I'm not quite sure yet."

"I'm sure you'll find something, California is full of the artsy types. Alexis, is that something you're looking at too?" Such a simple question but the implications were clear- was I going to follow you. We'd only been dating a month so we'd hardly discussed anything long term. You were everything to me in that moment, and I knew you felt the same but I didn't want to sound naive and lead anyone into thinking we'd talked about forever. 

"I haven't thought about that... I kind of want to stick around with you guys if that's okay?" I tried diverting the question and it worked, my aunt laughing and saying there was a reason I was her favorite niece. 

They made more small talk and the rest of the dinner felt more at ease. Once the big questions were out of the way, we both relaxed and found ourselves in on their jokes and laughing at my mom's embarrassing stories she conveniently remembered since you were there. 

"There was this one time," she started between breathy laughs. "She was about three, I walked in on her butt naked, covered in baby powder from head to toe. She also had my makeup all over her face and when she saw me standing there, she just said, 'Mommy, I wanted to be pretty like you!' I think that was when I realized I'd have a diva on my hands. It's a wonder she isn't still finding baby powder in her crevices after every shower-"

"Mom!" I stopped her before she could say anything else and looked over to find you wiggling your eyebrows at me. My eyes grew wide and I started cracking up along with everyone else. Thank god we weren't at my parent's house or she probably would've had picture proof and I don't think I could've handled that. 

"It's okay, my mum caught me with her makeup a time or two growing up also, we've all been there," you chimed in and I think that's when my mother dropped her guard for me and genuinely laughed with you.

~~~

  
That night, my aunt showed us to our rooms, making you sleep with the boys and me with the girls like we were in high school and incapable of staying PG for a night. Not that we'd done anything by that point, but the principle of it still felt silly. 

Our closest encounter to anything more than a kiss was Halloween night, we'd both drank a little more than we should have and it was before we'd even gone on our date. I showed up to a party in a pink Power Ranger suit and you in a red one, I remember us drunkenly giggling in a corner together about how we unitentially coordinated and we eventually made our way up to an empty room. Every bone in my body wanted you and I thought that was our chance to move beyond study buddies, but when I tried making a move, you told me I was too beautiful to waste on a drunken night. We ended up talking until we were both sober and the sun was up, and that's when you asked me on a proper date.

Holidays with you became my favorite time of the year, no matter which one and how it was spent. That Thanksgiving was our first experience with my family, one that led my mom to loving you like I hoped she would. "I can see why you wanted to keep him to yourself," she later said to me before telling me good night and apologizing for having any doubts. "He's a wonderful boy, hold him tight."


	4. Flu Be Gone

2016 brought a year of discovery for us- a year of us finding ourselves, finding out about each other, and finding where we fit with one another. We rang in the new year together, surrounded by your roommates, a couple of our friends, and my Ellie. The kiss at midnight was such a rush, it felt brand new, like the rest of me and I felt I could take on the world in that moment with you. I promised myself that night to keep you around as long as I could because you brought this energy to me, something I can't explain, and I wanted to keep that feeling forever. Of course our relationship by that point was still in its honeymoon phase, but if there were ever any doubts about whether we'd make it in the long run, they were washed away the first time I'd gotten seriously sick on campus and couldn't even make it home to be taken care of. 

Flash forward a few weeks to the midst of February and you would have found a very stubborn me, avoiding medicine to let my body naturally heal, feeling like death on the inside but trying to hide it from you.

  
"Babe, I brought us a few movies to watch tonight and some of those microwavable brownies in a cup, I know they're not the best but it's the best I could find considering you have no oven," you walked through the unlocked door to my dorm, a bag in one hand and a gallon of milk in the other. I was expecting you, but not so soon, so I was still in my pajamas from having skipped class that day. Your face fell once you spotted me on my bunk, hair in a mess and face probably flushed from the cold sweats I was experiencing. "Jesus Christ, you look terrible," you said flatly.

I tried to laugh it off but I couldn't muster more than a tiny huff. "Thanks, you look great too," I said back just as emotionless.

"Yesterday you were just fine, what happened between then and now?" You put your items on my dresser and walked towards me. I could tell you were being cautious in the way you leaned away the closer you got. 

"I'm okay, I just have a tickle in my throat Zay-" the 'tickle in my throat' cut me off and sent me into a coughing fit I had a hard time stopping. You ran out of my room and I literally thought you were running away from me, the realization making me tear up while I tried to catch my breath between each wheeze. 

"Babe," you were back within a few minutes though with a water cup in your hand and a few white pills I assume you got from one of the girls on my floor. You sat on the edge of my bed and handed them to me, but I just took the water instead. "Take them." Your voice was firmer than I'd ever heard before. 

"I'm fine Zayn, I really don't need-"

"To miss class, so take them."

"No, really. I'm perfectly fine..." I eyed you and you looked down in your hands, still expecting me to listen. "Grab one of those movies, I wanna watch something now." I said it more as a command than anything and you waited a moment before getting up to do so. You set the pain relievers on my night stand and walked across the room to my laptop, picking it up and carrying it over to me. 

"I brought Pirates of the Caribbean, but I'm not sure you deserve such a work of art with how you're acting," you grinned at me so I could tell you were joking but I'm sure there was a part of you that was serious. I rolled my eyes and scooted over to make room for you on my tiny single mattress. "

"I deserve the world, stop teasing me." I patted the spot beside me and gave my sweetest smile, eyes closed and crinkling my nose for added cuteness. 

"That you do." It wasn't much more than a whisper but I heard it and I felt my body temperature raise a bit more than what the fever was able to do, not that I'm admitting to having one just yet. 

You wrapped one arm around me, pulling me into you as you started the movie, and I tried staying awake for the whole thing but I lost the battle and fell asleep on your chest, your warmth an added bonus to the pile of blankets I'd been in all day. 

* * *

"Alexis," it was barely a whisper but I heard it and waking up made my head spin. "Alexis, the movie's over, love." I felt you untangle yourself from me and the loss of contact made me feel like I was freezing so I covered my head with the blankets you'd left behind on me.

"Zayn," I started but couldn't finish as another cough wracked my whole body.

"Hon, I really think you should take something. I know you hate it, but this isn't good."

I pulled the blanket down a bit to look up at you and I saw your grey sweater had darker patches all along one side. I closed my eyes and covered my face back up in embarrassment as I realized I had been sweating on you through that entire film. "I'm sorry," I muffled through the blankets and I felt the tears sting my eyes. I'd never felt so pathetic in my life, being sick was always the worst for me, that's why I always tried to pretend it wasn't happening. 

"Don't be sorry, it happens to us all eventually. I just need to go home now. It's already eight and I have a paper I need to start." The sadness in your voice gave away how sorry you felt for me, so I finally let go of my act and decided to take your advice. On one condition though. 

"If I take this medicine, will you stay with me?" I popped my head back out of my mountain of blankets to give you my sincerest puppy eyes and pout.

You bit your lip and looked around the room, debating the risks of getting sick and if I was worth it. "Do you have an oversized tshirt I could borrow?" I smiled and nodded to Ellie's side of the room. "Her boyfriend left a shirt here the other night, just throw that on."

You laughed at me and walked towards me instead, taking off your sweater and climbing back into my bed shirtless. "I think your brain's a little cloudy right now Miss Jenson. I don't wanna wear her boyfriends shirt he threw off before sex or something." Your giggle made me smile as I curled back up next to you, not really caring if I made you sweaty again. Before drifting back to sleep, I had to say one last thing. "Ellie's waiting for marriage, she's a good girl, so I really don't know why he left it."

You giggled again. "Yeah, you've lost it. They were definitely doing it in the shower yesterday morning before I left." I gave my best attempt at a gasp, but I was too tired to fight you on it so I poked your chest instead. 

You lifted my chin so I was facing you then and I felt your lips on my forehead for a short second before I closed my eyes and let the exhaustion consume me. 

* * *

I woke up the next morning to find you gone, the sun still sleeping and my brain hazier than ever. I was definitely sick now, there was no way of avoiding it. Ellie was getting ready for her morning class, I could hear her rummaging through her desk, probably looking for notes she'd misplaced like usual. I poked my head out from under the blanket to watch her and distract myself from the death I felt inside. 

"Hey there, sleepy head," her voice was calmer than her actions. She was getting frantic in her search. "Are you feeling any better?"

I opened my mouth to answer but I felt the sting in my throat instead, stopping me from replying. I let out a small whimper and she stopped scanning the room long enough to walk over to my bed and feel my forehead. "Oh yeah, Zayn said you were in denial about getting sick." I rolled my eyes and pulled the blanket back over my head. "Hey now, don't be mad at me. I'm not the one who's trying to baby you like he is. You know he made you soup and put it in the microwave for when you wake up?" I peeked my head back out at the mention of food. "Yeah, he did that. But maybe I'm just jealous because Josh doesn't do that for me..." She looked thoughtful for a moment, probably comparing her boyfriend to mine, then walked to the microwave before opening it and handing me the bowl from inside. "Here, eat this. And Zayn said he'd be back after class. I need to go though, I've lost my psych notes so I need to get a copy from someone before class. Feel better honey." She leaned down to peck my forehead before she left me alone to deal with my aching body alone. Everything hurt. My head, my eyes, my stomach, my throat. I attempted to eat the chicken noodle soup, but it felt heavy inside me so I placed the bowl on the stand beside my bed. All I remember thinking is I needed you back. I also needed sleep because if I was asleep, then I wasn't feeling this pain and that was a blessing in itself. 

* * *

I remember having no dreams, my brain was probably too clouded to create anything more than it needed to. Waking up to reality did feel dreamlike though, so maybe that made up for it, except waking up felt more like a nightmare than anything. I opened my eyes to see it was night time again. I don't think I ever saw the sun that day. It was pitch black in my room except for the bits of light the moon touched, so I could still make out your shadow on the other side of my bed, not quite touching me but still within arms reach.

"Zayn," I croaked and wiggled closer to you. 

"Shhh, love. I'm right here." I felt your arm wrap around me and pull me in the rest of the way. Suddenly it hit me, full on and without remorse. The motion had made me sicker and I couldn't stop the next few moments from happening, much to my dismay. The little bits of soup I'd had earlier came back to haunt me and spilled out all over my sheets, all over myself, and on pieces of you. I thought the sweat stains from the day before were embarrassing, but this was ten times worse. I felt the tears start to build up, a common theme it seemed, and my stomach started clenching again, preparing for round two. You hopped out of my bed, running across my room for the bin we kept in the corner, prepared to catch anything else that was bound to come up. 

"Alexis, it's okay," you rolled me over in time for me to aim for the trash can this time. I know I said I wanted you earlier, but in that moment, I wanted nothing more than for you to leave. You didn't need to see me at my lowest, sweaty and unable to catch my breath. The contents of my stomach burned the entire way out and I honestly felt like death would be a better option than having to live through that. "Here babe, I'll get you a hair tie and we can get this out of the way," you pushed my hair back and the tears overflowed with how useless I felt. I saw you pull your soiled shirt over your head before you went into my bathroom to find my elastics. A couple moments later you were back and giving your best attempt at tying my hair on top of my head. "Hon, I know you probably don't care how you look right now, but how do you get these things to work and look so nice?" Between heaves, I felt myself attempt a smile at how cute you were, even if I hated you seeing me this way. It was cut short though by another wave of stomach bile and you went back to holding back pieces of falling hair and comforting me the best you could.

When I'd finally finished and was able to breathe normally without feeling nauseous, you looked me over and gave me such sad eyes, I felt like you were looking at a lost puppy on the street, wondering how to save it. I remember thinking, please, just save me from this. 

"Do you want to try to shower?" Your voice was so calm as you rubbed circles on my back. I shook my head no, hanging over the edge of my bed just in case, the thought of having to stand terrifying me. "You'll feel a hundred times better, I promise. You at least need to change your clothes." I shook my head again and you gave one last try. "Would you like me to help you?" I looked at you then and you started nodding to get me to agree. "Miss Jenson, you stink. You should really take a bath," the grin on your face made my stomach turn, this time in a good way and I caved. My throat was still on fire so I couldn't voice a rebuttal, but I could still stick my tongue out at you, which caused you to chuckle at me. 

You got up from beside me and lifted me from my bed, helping me shuffle from my bunk to the shower. You held onto me as I stepped into the tub, still clothed, before you went to find me clean clothes for afterwards. Once you came back, you dutifully started to undress me, only looking where you should- at my face, my shoulders, my knees. I couldn't help but blush at how sweet you were, and when you caught me, your cheeks mirrored mine. You started the water and asked if the heat was okay. I nodded, unable to take my eyes off you and how concentrated you were. You found a bottle of bubble bath and poured too much in, making the tub fill with bubbles faster than water. I gave a weak giggle to show you I didn't mind and you smiled back, the crinkles in your eyes making an appearance. 

Once the tub was filled to the brim, I leaned back in the water, dunking my hair under and closing my eyes at how weightless I felt. You were right, of course. The hot water made the germs feel like they were disappearing, at least a tiny bit. I peeked open one of my eyes and saw you leaned on the edge of the tub, your head resting on your arm and watching me with such a smitten expression, I almost felt self-conscous. Almost. I closed my eyes again and went back to floating, trying my best to forget the circumstances and take in that moment with you beside me. 

"You know, I still think you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen." 

That was the moment when I first caught myself thinking I loved you. I loved you and that moment. I felt germy and gross, but I was alive beside a smiling shirtless boy who felt good next to me. You reached in the water for my hand and held it, your thumb circling my palm and it felt perfect. You were perfect.

* * *

Two days later, after way too much medication and sleep, the morning came and I was finally feeling like I could stand and walk without you there to catch me. After countless cans of wasted soup and a box of Saltines withered to nothing in my garbage, I was finally ready to try real food. The definition of real food being used very loosly here because my first meal was a chicken nugget tv dinner. Still microwaved but at least it wasn't soup. We were sitting side by side on my bunk, preparing for the moment of truth. The dinner tray sat in my lap, waiting for me to dive in.

"Go! Go! Go!" You cheered me on as I took my first bite. "YESSSS! SHE'S EATING A NUGGET EVERYONE!" You were acting like an announcer to an imaginary crowd and I laughed at how ridiculous the situation seemed. 

"Zayn, I'm hardly doing anything worth cheering for. By the way, you look so dumb right now," I took another bite and watched you continue to fist pump beside me anyway.  
"Babe, you couldn't even argue with me yesterday, now you're back to your fiery self. i think that's something worth celebrating." You took the chicken nugget from my hand and I glared at you for intervening. "Plus, I can do this without worrying now." You leaned into me and gave me the most passionate kiss we'd ever shared up until that moment. My head started to spin as I leaned into it as well, wrapping my arms around your waist and taking in the taste of your lips, something I'd missed so dearly those past few days. Your hands traveled up my sides, under my sweater and pulling the fabric up slightly, exposing my skin to the chill of my dorm. You were pushing into me, causing me to lean backwards until we hit my mattress and that's when I felt the ketchup spill from the tv dinner tray onto my skin. 

"Zayn!" I pushed you off of me and stood up, rushing to the sink to see if you'd caused a stain. Red settled into the yarn of my sweater and I huffed loud enough for you to hear. 

"I'm sorry?" You called from the other room and I coud tell you were upset from the interruption. 

"It's fine. I'll just rinse it out right now." I took the sweater off and started rubbing the spot under the faucet, making the color spread and I couldn't help but feel more upset than I should have. Maybe my flu wasn't completely gone and it was making me irrational still. You came up behind me and took the soaking sweater from my hands and set it on the counter. "I'm sorry, I was just a bit excited to have you back." I looked anywhere but at you, mad at how careless you were just a minute ago. "It'll wash out, I promise." You put your hand on my waist and your lips to my ear. "If not, I'll buy you another one." You licked the side of my face playfully and I leaned back, trying to get out of your grip.

"Just stop," I gave you the most intimidating look I could conjure up. You laughed instead.

"Fine, I'll take it to the dry cleaners and still buy you a million other sweaters. Every sweater your little heart desires, just come here." I was already leaned against the counter so there wasn't anywhere for me to back into when you stepped forward again. "I'm sorry, Alexis. Please, just..." The angst in your voice pulled my guard down and my anger faded as fast as it came. "Come here," you whispered again, your lips back to hovering over my neck. I sighed and gave in, leaning into you and allowing you to actually kiss me this time. You moved slower and careful, breathing heavy and making a path up my neck, over my jaw, until you reached my lips and held me there. My heart was racing and I couldn't ignore the heat of your hands covering every inch of me that was exposed. 

"The sweater's fine, I think my flu is just... still lingering, making me easily upset. It's okay," I whispered into your mouth between kisses. 

"Should we stop then?" Your hands contradicted your question, making it hard for me to say yes. I shook my head no instead, and let you continue to wander my bare back, melting me inch by inch as you walked us back to my bed and laid me down to finish what we started. 

"Just tell me when to stop or if you feel sick again or if it's too cold in here, or-" I covered your mouth to shut you up from your ridiculous rant and nodded my head to let you know I was okay. Four months after our first date and you finally felt brave enough to explore all of me, which we coincidentally realized later, it was also the day before Valentine's Day. 

The next day was spent entirely in bed, since we'd made no plans because of my flu, and I don't think I would've wanted it any other way. 

"Zayn?"

You hummed into my skin.

"You still owe me a sweater."

Your laugh shook us both before you pecked my forehead. "Any sweater you want babe."


	5. To the Moon & Back

Being trapped in one place for so long, you start to call it your home. My dorm was one of those cases. My first semester of college seemed to drag and everyday felt like a battle, not the parties and fun you see in movies. I felt alone, I was adjusting to leaving my parents, and I was in control of everything for the first time in my life. Second semester felt different though- I had you and Ellie became a bigger part of my picture. I took college for what it was a decided to build myself around it instead of waiting for it to open up to me.  
  
Ellie and I spent most of our free time together when I wasn't with you and she wasn't with her boyfriend, Josh. Of course nights were our time, but it wasn't the only time I was looking forward to anymore. You and Ellie also took a liking to each other eventually since you practically moved into our place, which thankfully she didn't mind once I explained to her your situation. You had creepy roommates. End of story. Michael, Dylan, and Logan never once tried to have an actual conversation with me, they just stalked around your apartment and watched me like I was some kind of display. You never would tell me exactly what they'd say about me when I wasn't there either, so that made me uncomfortable too. I was more than relieved every time you told me you were coming to my place instead of asking me to yours.  
  
All this time spent together meant the three of us really became a trio, and sometimes after my morning classes, I'd find you two in our room giggling about your own inside jokes, and I'd laugh along too even though half the time I din't know what I was laughing about. Ellie hung around us more often than not and brought her boyfriend along with her, and once you met Josh, it was like Josh and Zayn were the hot new item on campus. To be honest, sometimes I got more jealous of you laughing with Josh than with Ellie. Ellie and I joked about how we needed to watch out or one day you were going to leave us for each other, your relationship grew that tight.  
  
The four of us became my core and the only thing I knew. Our weekends dancing in town, our outings to the grocery store, our double dates every Tuesday, they were the things I looked forward to getting me through each week. Second semester flew and before I knew it, it was finals week and we were planning our goodbyes. Not permanent ones, but in the moment it sure felt that way. May came around and took Ellie back to Indiana for the summer, Josh back to Ohio, me back to my parents across town, and you stayed in your apartment on campus with the guys.  
  
Summer used to be a time I looked forward to in high school but now the season felt dead. My parents were still in the mindset of me following the same rules as before- no boys after 10pm, telling them when I'm leaving and where I'm going, and I needed to help around the house. The last bit I didn't mind, the other two felt suffocating. Three weeks went by and were filled with dates that felt too formal since they were ended with goodnight kisses and mornings felt impossible without you snoring softly beside me.  
  
I remember one night in mid-June when I was lying wide awake on my bed, staring at my ceiling, waiting for something in it to move. Obviously it never did and the more I blinked, the more I realized how crazy I was going, living in my head and needing a change. I needed you. I opened my phone to distract myself with things like twitter or instagram and even went as desperate as facebook. Anything to occupy me, but nothing filled the void that was in my chest.  
  
_My bed is too big for just me._ I'd texted you at midnight, giving in.  
  
_Mine too, come fill it._ Your response was quick so I assumed you were in the same boat.  
  
_You know I don't like it there._  
  
You took longer to reply the second time. _I'll think of something soon._  
  
I put my phone back on the table beside my bed thinking that was a lost cause. I rolled over and closed my eyes, remembering an article I'd seen that said something along the lines of, "Sleep is just you closing your eyes and pretending to fall asleep until you actually do." Easy enough? Fake it til you make it right? My mind couldn't stop wandering to you though. Your face drawn in my mind, like you were etched into the inside of my eyelids. Your voice rang through the silence and your invisible touch reached out to me, almost enough to feel real if I really wanted it to. But I didn't want to be that pathetic girlfriend who imagined you holding me instead of asking for the real thing.  
  
You'd said soon, well soon wasn't enough. I rolled out of bed and switched on my light making me squint at the sudden brightness. After adjusting, I moved to my closet and pulled out my duffel bag I stashed in the back when I moved everything back home. I threw in an outfit for tomorrow and grabbed my toothbrush from my bathroom, stuffing it in the side pocket, and slung the bag over my shoulder. I could already hear my dad in my head asking where I was going and when I'd be back so I shot him a quick text saying I was alright and just at a friend's house for the night. I got in my car, still in my pajamas, and made the trip across town to you.  
  
Ten minutes later I was walking up the two flights of stairs to apartment 38 and I was about to knock, but then it hit me that one of the other guys could answer so I texted you instead. Open your front door please. I heard the locks being undone a few moments later and there you stood, shirtless and in blue plaid boxers, eyes barely open from being blinded by the hallway lights.  
  
"Ale-" You started to say my name but I grabbed you instead and kissed you harder than either of us was expecting. You stumbled back in the doorway and pulled away with a smile too big for your face.  
  
"You're too cute," I whispered to not wake up the house. I walked past you, taking in the empty kitchen and living room, curious as to why nobody else seemed to be there.  
"Well, hello to you too." You locked up the door and followed me to your room.  
  
"Are you home alone?"  
  
"Nah, just Michael's gone. The other two are asleep, they took a day trip to the woods earlier so they're knocked out."  
  
I dropped my bag by your door and took in the parts of you I rarely got to see- your own bedroom filled with figurines and dvds, canvases of paintings you'd started but never finished, your collection of comic books stacked neatly in a corner. Your tv was on and the volume was low, probably just for white noise as you were falling asleep before I came. The lights were off but the fan spun overhead. Your curtains were pulled back, letting in the reflection of the moon as it lit up glimpses here and there. I made my way to your mess of sheets and crawled inside. It was nearing 1am and I was exhausted from overthinking. You took my lead and slid under the covers after me, pulling me to your side like we did in my dorm. I wrapped one arm around your stomach and laid my head on your chest, your heart beat my own familiar white noise to fall asleep to. I closed my eyes and the moments passed in silence, which I didn't mind.  
  
"Zayn," I whispered barely above the noise of the tv.  
  
"Hmm?" You were mindlessly drawing circles with your fingertips under my shirt.  
  
"I miss you." It might've sounded silly, but I really did miss having you around 24/7, and I'm pretty sure you had the same feeling because instead of answering, you kissed my forehead and I couldn't help but want more. I lifted my head so my lips could find your neck and I left a few short pecks there. "I miss all of you," I whispered softer this time and you closed your eyes as I stretched up to your mouth, testing to see if you were catching on. Instead of simply kissing me back, you suddenly rolled us over so you were on top of me and I couldn't help but laugh at how smooth it was. "Impressive," I giggled as you started kissing under my ear.  
  
"I'm a man of many talents," your voice came out low and sticky sweet.  
  
"So I'm learning," I felt the smile across my face grow and I closed my eyes this time, letting you work your way down my neck and over my collarbones, pushing the fabric of my tshirt out of the way as you went. Adrenaline was starting to kick in and my exhaustion from before was subsiding. Each kiss set me on fire, the heat inside me rising, and my breathing started to fall short. I needed you in my life for many things- my sanity, my support, my clarity, but this was one of my favorite reasons to keep you around. You undressed me slowly, giving attention to every new piece of skin revealed with each article of clothing lost. After the last bits of string fell from the bed, your eyes caught mine and I couldn't help but feel there was something new behind yours. You were looking at me like it was the first time your were seeing me and I felt under a microscope. The burning of your eyes made me turn away, but your hand nudged me to look back at you. "Babe," you started, the background noise of the tv faded and it was just me and you in that moment. "I have something to tell you." That something new I'd noticed came to me then- you were nervous. I'd almost forgotten where we were, lost in your gaze until the front door to your apartment slammed, followed by the bedroom door next to ours.  
  
"Damn it," you sighed into my skin. "Now? Of all times?" you yelled out looking up to the wall above your bed in the direction of the second door slam. I couldn't help but blush at how now his roommate was probably aware of what he ruined.  
  
"Should we go check on him?" I looked up at you and you shook your head, trying to kiss me again. "Zayn, I don't want someone else following him in and there be a bunch of people outside your room soon."  
  
"They won't, we don't just walk into each other's rooms Alexis." You started making your way down my body again, the moment lost from before now. I tried letting it go but my mind kept wandering back to what you would've said. My wondering was cut short though and just like I'd worried, the front door shut again and I heard a woman calling out for Michael, followed by multiple other doors being opened and closed.  
  
"She's gonna walk in here Zayn." My paranoia took over so I pushed you off of me to get you to stop. You gave me a look to ask if I was serious and I nodded back. I couldn't do this right now so I nudged you a bit to get you to go check it out in case something serious was happening. You mumbled curse words at Michael under your breath before you stood from the bed, threw on some sweats, and went out to the living room, slamming your own door behind you. My mind was racing and I was fully awake then, my adrenaline rushing but for different reasons now.  
  
"Seriously Emma?" I could hear your muffled shouts through the door, so I moved closer, trying to listen in on you guys. "What the hell? It's one in the morning, why are you screaming?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I WAKE THE HOUSE?" She yelled the last part, her voice condescending and careless. She was definitely on a mission with Michael.  
  
"You're honestly so annoying, I don't know how he's put up with you this long." Your voice was calmer than hers but I could tell you were done with her already.  
  
Michael's voice came in next, louder than I was expecting, making me jump in the dark. "If you don't leave now, your head's gonna end up in our wall."  
  
"Mike, stop. Just take her outside and leave."  
  
"Zayn, yours might end up there too if you don't leave this alone."  
  
I got up from my side of the bed and slid on a tshirt I'd found on the floor before opening your bedroom door, peering around the doorway, waiting to see if I had to intervene. Emma was standing in the middle of the room with her arms crossed, her face serious but I could tell there was underlying hurt inside her. "Look, I'm just here to get Michael back. He has this crazy idea I slept with Thom-"  
  
"I couldn't give a single fuck what you and Mikey have going on right now." You cut her off before she had a chance to air their dirty laundry. Looking at Michael now, you continued, "You know she's had sex with the whole town since you've been together, why do you keep her around?"  
  
"Zayn," Michael basically growled your name, a warning to stop before you went too far. He was standing on guard, staring at you as if he was waiting for you to push him over the edge. His fists were balled up, ready to jump if you said one more word. I looked to Emma then and saw her catch me from the corner of her eye, a laugh erupting from seemingly nowhere, cutting the silence of the living room. "Ahh, I see why you're so upset. I interrupted your little rendez-vous?" She pointed a lazy finger to me and asked, "How much do you charge a night?"  
  
Your focus shifted to Emma and within a split second, you were flying towards her and shoving her into the tv, knocking it over to make the screen crack as it hit the floor. Your face was beet red and your hands were pinning hers against the carpet. "She's worth a hell of a lot more than you are!" You screamed in her face and Michael was there instantly to grab you, pushing you off her and into the coffee table. The legs snapped under pressure and the glass center shattered beneath you, Michael climbing on top of you to hold you down. I looked over to see Emma sat up and rubbing her wrists like you'd actually hurt her.  
  
"How fucking dare you" Michael was in your face, his fist in the air, ready to come down on you but I couldn't move. I was frozen in your doorway, unable to process how quickly it was escalating. The next few seconds felt like they were in slow motion and fleeting at the same time. His knuckes came down and made contact with your jaw, the cracking noise making me cringe but the paralyzing fear that took over me made me unable to do anything but watch.  
  
You tried shoving him off but he wasn't budging so your hands found their way to his neck instead. Even with you closing your fists around him, it was too late and he already had control. His next hit was a little higher, slamming right into your nose and making you gush like a faucet. The hatred in his eyes made my stomach turn and I felt like I was going to be sick.  
  
From across the room, I saw Dylan enter and he looked to me first, confusion very clear in his face so I yelled for him to help you. He hurried to the center of the room and knocked Michael over, making him roll in the shards of glass and allowing you to stand up and back away from everything. You looked around the room to everyone, your breath heavy as you touched your hand to your nose, trying to catch the falling blood. Michael stood, his breath matching yours, and walked to Emma, checking her wrists and whispering something in her ear that she shook her head to. Your eyes wandered the room as you took in what had unfolded. "Michael," your voice was low and held the most anger of anyone that night. "Leave." Your words were short but to the point.  
  
Michael waited a second, but decided against antagonizing you any more so he walked past Dylan instead and pushed him into the living room wall on his way to the door. Dylan rolled his eyes, knowing starting something again was no use. Emma followed and gave me a glare as she made her way behind her boyfriend and as they reached the doorway, Dylan stopped them to give one last instruction. "I think it's time you moved out." Michael acted like he didn't hear, continuing out the door. Dylan looked at me and it was then that I was aware of how bare I was, standing in only a tshirt and underwear. My cheeks flushed and you stood between us, blocking his view. "Dylan, you'll be the next one to go if you don't get back to your room," you threatened. He quickly followed what you said and turned to go back to where he came from. You looked at me then and I almost fell apart. Your jaw hung open with a cut down the center of your bottom lip from it being busted and your nose was still bleeding, though not as much as before. You walked past me to your bathroom and I had to keep myself from crying.  
  
"I'm so sorry Zayn," I started but you cut me off.  
  
"It's not your fault. She always has to start something every time she comes around. I'm sick of it."  
  
"I should have done something though," I felt the words catch in my throat and the guilt started to rise from my stomach.  
  
"I'm glad you didn't." You were being short with me which felt contradicting to what you were saying. You reached under your sink for the bottle of rubbing alcohol and cotton balls, bringing them up to the counter to wipe the drying blood off your face.  
  
I took the bottle from your hands so I could do it instead, pouring the alcohol onto the cotton and facing you. I noticed then that your eyes wouldn't meet mine. I reached up and held the cotton to your lip, you wincing as it burned the wound. I dabbed it a little to clean you up and I brought my other hand to your cheek that didn't get struck. "I'm sorry," I whispered again and you looked at me this time, your eyes burning with tears that had yet to overflow the brim.  
  
"It's really not your fault babe," you grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to you. "If you would've gotten hurt in that, I wouldn't be able to live with myself." You paused for a second and surprised me with a short laugh. "Seriously though, how stupid was that fight?" You smiled and cracked open your lip again, fresh blood spilling out and onto the new cotton ball I was holding to your face. "Yeah, so stupid," I touched up your lip again and let out a tiny laugh to ease the tension. I went through a few more cotton balls, touching up the tiny cuts from the glass that flew everywhere when it broke on impact. When I was done with the open wounds, I threw the used cotton balls away and turned to grab a wash cloth from the shelf above your toilet to finish wiping your face with warm water so it wouldn't burn like the alcohol.  
  
I ran the cloth over your entire face, wiping everything whether it needed it or not, but you stopped me midway and grabbed my hand, kissing my knuckles. "I appreciate you so much, you know that right?" You looked up from my hands and into my eyes. I nodded, caught off guard by the softness in your voice. You had a way of sending me into a trance if I got too close, even after all this time. "And you look really cute in nothing but my tshirt," you kissed my knuckles again and I felt my face turn red for the second time that night. "And I like it when you take care of me." Your lips pressed to the inside of my wrist before you placed my arms around your neck. "I like that you came here in the middle of the night to see me." I smiled at this and you kissed my nose. "I like that you're still here even though my roommates are crazy." I laughed at that one while you kissed my cheek. "I like that you fit perfectly beside me when we sleep," your kiss landing on my forehead that time. "I like when you burn the toast and ask me to save it even though all I do is scrape off the black bits," I laughed again at that and you placed a kiss to my other cheek. "I like your laugh," you smiled to me and my heart fluttered inside my chest, I thought I was going to burst. "I think I like everything about you, Miss Jenson." You looked into the air and held a thoughtful expression before continuing. "I think I love you." My heart stopped and I wasn't quite sure I'd heard you right. "Scratch that, I know I love you." Hearing you say it again was all the confirmation I needed. I leaned forward and kissed you, careful of your lip.  
  
"I love you too," I let out between breaths and I felt your smile in our kiss.  
  
A couple moments later we parted and walked back to your bed, seeing as it was now 2am and my exhaustion was kicking back in. "Just so you know," you started as we laid back under your sheets and got into our usual positions, "you're not allowed to show up here anymore unless I send those dirtbags away first."  
  
"Dirtbags?" I laughed at your word choice.  
  
"What? I'm trying to be nice here. I don't wanna ruin the moment."  
  
"Oh-kay," I drew out the word and giggled again.  
  
"Or even better, we should just plan a getaway with Josh and Ellie."  
  
"You just want a getaway with Josh, be honest," I teased you.  
  
"I mean, yeah. But it'd be cool if you came along too babe." You smirked and pulled the covers over us, kissing me on the cheek and pulling me closer.  
  
"I'll text them in the morning and let them know we're stopping by soon."  
  
"Perfect."  
  
And just for good measure, now that it was out in the open, I reminded you again that I loved you. I loved you to the moon and back and nothing had ever felt as good as hearing you say it back.


	6. Mother Doesn't Know Best

When I'm reminded of you, you can rest assured that a smile usually follows. Your name is enough to send my mind whirling about everything we'd built- trust, love, and a normal that felt easy. Your love was easy. Easier than the first breeze of spring. Easier than my attempts to fight off drawing our names in hearts during class like a third grader. Most of the time, our love was a hell of a lot easier than breathing through the first realization that maybe the world isn't always how you see it- that maybe we weren't always picture perfect. Fighting with you wasn't part of our normal, so on the off occasions that it happened, it definitely threw me for a loop. 

~~~

That first summer came and with it, a new load of responsibilities, something I was unfamiliar with since usually summer meant relaxation for me. This time around, summer meant a poorly paid internship at Nordstrom, dressing clients with flashier things than I could ever imagine owning. Nancy, my boss for those three months, was one of the nicest women I've ever met, always lending me her ear and expertise when the days became too long and too much. Lunch breaks were usually spent in her back office, laughing at oddly posed models in the Nordstrom magazines and sharing jokes from that week's Project Runway. It was having to hear about everyone else's problems that really made my days drag while I picked out a tie as a pop of color against their all-too-plain jet black Burberry suits for their next business trip. For being around such high fashion, I seemed to only get paired with the people who stuck in the realm of boring. For seven hours, four days a week, I was inside fitting rooms and between racks, gazing at the same outfits with slight variations while they dumped their personal lives on the closest listening ear, who also happened to be me. If I'd known being a personal stylist also meant being a personal therapist, I- well, to be honest I'd still do it again because the experience looked fantastic on future resumes. For all the bad clients who came through, there were a few nice and personable ones. There was one client who came in weekly, who made my heart race when I saw him come through the doors. It was nothing to do with how attractive he was and everything to do with his shared love of patterns. Mr. Davidson was his name, and his fashion sense was so closely aligned with mine that I felt a jolt of energy run through every cell when he came in and asked for me. Paisleys, checkers, florals, literally nothing was off the table for him and for that I was extremely grateful because those days he popped in always seemed to fly by. 

Once my days at the mall were over with, I'd race home to call you and we'd spend most afternoons facetiming and sharing our morning struggles. You'd picked up a summer job designing for a small company so you spent less time face-to-face with the public and more time with computers which I was always jealous of. Every night was the same too, we'd get to the end of our facetime calls and you'd ask me over and of course I'd refuse, ever since the Michael incident. I felt awkward at your place and being in the living room gave me an anxiety I didn't want to get used to and bubble in my stomach from the guilt of being a standby in such a tough situation. I'd say good night, you'd beg one last time, and I'd hang up smiling because I knew come July, we'd have at least a bit of time away together. 

Turkey Run Nature Reserve was Ellie's idea. I'd texted her about us needing a getaway and the next day you had our flight booked to Indy and ready to go. On the morning we drove to the airport and got settled in the departure gate seating area, playing I Spy to the pass the time and hiding giggles behind our hands as we made up ridiculous stories about the people who passed us, your phone rang mid-story and you held out your hand telling me to stop so you could compose yourself enough to answer. "It's my mum, I'm gonna go by the windows for better signal," you told me and stood to leave our things in safe keeping with me. I watched my surroundings alone, trying and failing to think of my own stories to pass time until you came back and when you did, some thirty minutes later, your face looked sunken and your smile was gone. "Is everything okay babe?" I asked and reached out for your hand but you sat down without reaching back and waved me off. "It's nothing, she's just worried about me is all." I tried pressing it but you shook your head at my questions so I let it go and let you have your space the rest of the wait. 

On the plane, you let me have the window seat and kissed my forehead after laughing about how excited I was to be in the clouds. It felt so hot and cold, you laughing one minute then silent the next. The rest of the flight was quiet as you zoned out on the headrest in front of you, leaving me to fall asleep with my head against the window. Once we landed in Indianapolis, we picked up our rental car and you drove us through the winding back roads of the Midwest to find our getaway, pulling onto the Turkey Run property and passing signs for the different activities they offered. 

"Zayn, do you think they'd be down for horseback riding?" My voice curious as I looked out the window and tried to imagine myself on a horse, galloping through a field with you beside me, smiling with one of those horse racer hats covering your perfectly tamed mane. 

"Don't even mention it to Ellie, I know she'd ditch the trails for that." My bubble of a daydream bursted with how unpleased you sounded by my suggestion.

"But Zaaayn, horsies," I held up one hand, "versus dirty trails through trees with god knows what kind of animals lurking around." I held up my other land while lowering the first one like a balance, going back and forth but showing more weight towards the horses. To be honest, I loved hiking and from what I saw online, the trails looked gorgeous, but I didn't know horse back riding was an option before then. 

"Babe," your voice wavered and you looked over to me, your eyes unsure about giving in quite yet. I stuck out my bottom lip, attempting my best pouty face and wide eyes to sway you. "Can we do the trails today and save the horses for tomorrow? I've been kinda looking forward to this." 

"I know big animals aren't your thing-"

"So why are you asking?" The question was simple but your tone took me back and your eyes avoided mine, focusing on the gravel road stretched in front of us holding more signs with directions to anything but the trails.

"Why are you so snarky right now?" 

"Why are you asking so many questions?"

"If something's wrong Zayn, just tell me." I tried digging for a reason because you were never this short with me. Patience was something I was learning from you, not something you hardly ever ran out of. You were quiet for a moment before your face softened and you turned back to me. "I'm just... I don't know where we're going right now. You know how national parks loop around and around, and you distracting me isn't helping."

"Okay, so just ask me to help instead of cutting me off next time." I looked out the window and saw the sign for the horses telling us to turn right while you took a left and followed the street further away. Your hand left the steering wheel, finding its way to my thigh and I didn't fight it but I didn't hold it either. 

A few minutes later, we came to the parking lot for the beginning of the trails and found Josh's SUV parked under trees to shade his leather seats from the blazing sun. You pulled into the spot next to them and immediately hopped out, pulling Ellie into a hug and fist bumping Josh, sharing a laugh like the tension in the car wasn't just thick enough to cut with a knife. I climbed out after you and saw Ellie running to me, squeezing me while I hugged her tighter than we ever had back at school. 

"Alexis! I've missed you so much! It's only been two months but god, I feel like I've been gone forever. How was the flight?"

"Too short for a nap," you joked to them, the smile lines settling in on your face and I thought maybe I should let the weird feeling from the car go. "For me anyway. You know this one here snoozed those whole two hours." You wrapped your arm around my neck and ran your other hand through my hair, your eyes falling on me and I couldn't help but snuggle into you, even in the 90 degree heat.

"At least someone got sleep. I know I didn't last night," Josh nudged your side and Ellie turned bright red, covering her face before smacking Josh on the arm. He pulled her in the same way you had with me but it didn't go as smoothly because Ellie wasn't giving in after that comment and I couldn't help but giggle under my breath at them. She ran off towards the woods, turning around to stick out her tongue at Josh as he followed right behind trying to catch her. We started walking the same way to follow their lead, your arm still around me and you leaned in to kiss my forehead again. "Sorry I'm such an ass," you whispered in my ear, your breath hot against my skin. "I've just got a lot on my mind right now. We can ride the horsies tomorrow, I promise." A cackle erupted from my mouth because a grown man saying horsies was not something I was expecting but it was cute and it was effort, so I stopped us and stood on my tip-toes to reach your lips with mine. 

"Gross, guys. Seriously, get a room," Josh's voice cut the moment short and I shot him a glare making him shrink back into the trees. "The trails are this way," he pointed behind him and turned to grab Ellie's hand, leading us to our first hike labeled 'intermediate'. 

~~~

About an hour later I found myself wondering if this was considered intermediate, then what on earth would be marked as hard? The views were stunning, the trails led us through areas that had been carved throughout the years by wind and water, leaving clay walls and rocky foot paths. Water still ran through some parts, but since it'd been a dry week, there wasn't much to stand in our way. At one point, we came across a thin opening, big enough for a single file line to fit through, but we had to walk our way over two boulders, placing one foot on each rock and balancing between the two over a slight gap in the ground below us. Underneath ran water just deep enough to soak our tennis shoes, otherwise we could've walked normally between the boulders which I would've preferred. I held onto your tshirt as leverage in case I slipped, stretching the cotton and making wrinkles all along your back from balling it in my fists. I caught you stealing glances back at me, then down at the fabric between us but you never said a word.  
On the other side sat a wide clearing with shallow and still water harboring tadpoles and mosquitoes. "So much for all that climbing, it's gonna soak through our shoes anyway," you pointed out as you took off your tshirt and wiped your forehead with it. We all took a seat on a fallen tree limb along the edge of the space to take a break for a minute. You handed your tshirt to me and raised your eyebrows to ask if I needed a towel to wipe down. I shook my head, "I'll take some water if you have any tucked away somewhere," I said instead and you chuckled, pulling an imaginary bottle from your gym shorts. "Here Miss Jenson, I gathered it fresh from the tadpools for you." You quirked your eyebrows again, proud of that horrendous pun and I had to keep from smiling. I couldn't let you get too big of a head, knowing you were cute and funny. "You can laugh, it's okay," you prodded but I lifted my nose to you, turning away and covering the smile I couldn't hide for too long. I leaned my head against Ellie's shoulder and closed my eyes, taking in the serenity of the air surrounding us. Birds overhead chirped to each other and the slight wind made the leaves shiver, but the closest noise was Ellie's breathing next to me. We were both trying to even ourselves out from the hike so far, and I could've sat there forever if I wasn't dying to get back to civilization for water and a shower. 

"You girls stay here, Josh and I are gonna climb these rocks over here and see what's on the other side." I opened my eyes to see you jogging away to the other side of the clearing and something inside me panicked for a moment with the thought of being left alone in the wilderness. 

"Babe, hold on! We're coming!" I yelled across to you as I stood from the branch and pulled on Ellie's arm to follow me.

You didn't stop though. You kept going and without turning around, I heard you ask Josh, "Does Ellie ever suffocate you like this?" 

I could feel my face turn pale as I pretended not to hear and slowly sat back down, but your words burned in the back of my throat and I felt like I'd been sliced in half. Since when did you feel suffocated by me? I looked to Ellie and there was a sadness in her eyes so I knew she'd heard you too, but she didn't say a word about it. She reached for my hand and pulled my head back to her shoulder, one hand playing in my hair while we waited for you two to return. 

Does Ellie ever suffocate you? The question echoed in my mind over and over and over until I mentally couldn't take it anymore so I shifted against Ellie and laid on my back so my head was in her lap and I was facing the sky. 

"He's a rat," her voice startled me and I shifted my eyes from the sky to hers. "Boys are amoebas on fleas on rats." She was quoting Frenchie from _Grease_ and I couldn't help but smile at that. 

You guys finally made your way back to us and the rest of the hike went as smoothly as you would imagine, the four of us bouncing along the predetermined paths while I tried to hold myself together so I kept lingering back, giving you and Josh space while Ellie and I stayed behind and quoted the rest of _Grease_ before moving on to _Legally_ _Blonde_ and _Clueless_. The rays from the sun were beating down relentlessly but eventually through the breathless laughs, the only thing I felt melting away were my worries. 

~~~

Another agonizing hour passed before we made it to the parking lot again, the four of us beat and ready to head back to our shared cabin for the weekend. "I'll follow you," you suggested to them as we all settled into our two separate vehicles to blast the air conditioning. The place was set up so nothing was too far, but with how dehydrated I felt, the next 10 minutes felt like forever.

Sitting in the car, I couldn't help but fidget, feeling like you didn't want me there. Your words came back and repeated themselves inside me, so I sat quietly, trying not to take up too much room. "I think that was the most scenic place I've ever been," Your voice rang through the car too suddenly and cut off my circling train of thought.

"Yeah." It was all I could muster and you didn't try again. 

You pulled into the parking space beside Josh in front of a rustic and homely cabin sitting in the middle of about a dozen others dressed the same. From the passenger seat I sat in awe of the place I was calling mine the next few days. The walk up to the front door was made of stone, leading past rows of bushes on either side up to the front door that was finished in a dark cherry red, a break of color amongst the dark wood surrounding it. The windows on either side were big enough to put mine back at home to shame. Flower buckets hung from the sills and vines grew up the wood siding, adding age to the cozy feel. You insisted on paying for the whole trip since you were able to save up more than me during the year, but standing in front of the cabin made me nervous that maybe this was too much for us. You opened the trunk of our car and pulled our suitcases out, wheeling them next to me and taking in my look of shock, knowing exactly what I was thinking. 

"You deserve this hon." And with that, you rolled our things inside and left me to follow. 

~~~

"Okaaaay," Ellie began as she sat next to the fireplace in the living room, a room service menu in one hand and a chinese takeout menu in the other. Even though it was summer and we had the a/c running, it felt wrong to leave the fireplace unused so you and Josh had started it as soon as we'd settled in. "Do we want the full five star experience or do we wanna settle for chicken and rice?" The fire beside us crackled and although it was 8pm, the sun was still shining behind the royal blue curtains that were pulled back throughout the rooms. She was sitting on the floor, her back propped against the couch and her arms hovering the coffee table, ready to pick up her phone whenever a choice was made. You and I were in reclining chairs opposite of her, leaning back and snuggled into our own blankets.

"What do you consider five star?" Josh questioned her from the kitchen while waiting for the tea kettle to warm up. 

"It says here we can have catfish and scalloped potatoes or parmesan crusted chicken with asparagus and mashed potatoes. I mean, I know what I'd rather have but what would you rather pay for?" She eyed us and mouthed chicken at the same time Josh yelled it. "Which one babe? Chinese or parmesan?" Again, she mouthed the same thing Josh did- Chinese. "That's not the one I was hoping for but I know him too well," she said just loud enough for us to hear. 

"What El?" Josh shouted over the sound of the tea kettle whistling.

"I said I'm ordering it now," her eyes rolling but her smile showed she didn't mind. 

"Add a chicken and broccoli for me," I chimed in but you had other ideas. 

"I actually might order myself the parmesan chicken. You can add to my order if you want."

"Mr. Moneybags over here," Ellie joked while dialing the Chinese place and you scrunched your face at her to say it wasn't that big of a deal. "Yeah, hi, I'd like to make an order for delivery... Turkey Run, cabin number 6 please," she began her order as she handed me the other menu to get the number for ours. 

~~~

After dinner, Josh pulled out a deck of cards and we set up a game of Spoons first before partnering up and moving on to Kemps. Then it was Bullshit and an improvised version of Uno. You and Ellie were the king and queen of cards by the end of the night with how many wins you were picking up, making Josh and I jealous so I asked for other options, maybe something outside of cards.

"Never have I ever!" Ellie shouted across the table as I collected the cards to set aside. 

"Isn't that a little... high school basement party-esque?" I laughed and you came to her defense. 

"It's not spin the bottle, Alexis."

"Do we even have enough people to make it interesting?" I tried one more time. 

"We don't need a million people, plus it'll be fun digging up all your pasts." Your smile was infectious so I gave in and thought maybe this will be a game I could actually win. I wasn't the most boring person, but I'd never broken any crazy laws or anything. 

"Okay, everyone put up five fingers. Five? Yeah, let's just do five for now," Josh started the game for us and came up with the first round. "Never have I ever... drank under my parent's roof." He smirked at you, obviously knowing you'd have to put a finger down. 

"Hey now, play nice. It's only the first round J," you laughed and watched both Ellie and I also put a finger down. "Any interesting stories?" You looked between us two but we both shrugged so you added on, "Yeah, me neither. So... Never have I ever..." you looked out of the corner of your eye to me and gave me your lopsided smile, assuming this one was for me. "Gone skinny dipping." I gave you a smug shake of my head and kept a finger up while Ellie and Josh each put one down. "Never?" You asked me a bit surprised.

"Never had the chance." I clicked my tongue and moved on to the next question. "Never have I ever... ran over an animal with my car." 

"Wow Alexis, way to go dark there," Ellie said as she put one finger down. I gasped and she put her hand up to stop me. "I don't wanna talk about it. It was dark, there's deer here in Indiana, they run everywhere. It was so scary, like I have such a bad fear of running into deer now."

"Did it dent up your car?" I asked, trying to hide that I was more concerned for the deer than her car.

"It did. And it went through my windshield. But anyway, next question?" We sat in silence for a moment before she remembered it was her turn to go. "Oh! Okay, I've got one. Never have I ever dated someone my parents didn't like." She pursed her lips and turned to Josh, already expecting him to put a finger down, but I noticed you reluctantly did too. I also noticed Josh give you a side glance before looking at me. 

"Care to share?" I directed my question at you. Your face turned a shade pinker and you shook your head no, shrugging it off. "Why did he look at me like that?" I tried getting it out of you, knowing it couldn't be me. Your parents hadn't even met me, but Josh's look made me uncomfortable. 

"It was just this one girl, it doesn't even matter." You looked to Josh then and nodded for him to continue the game so he hastily spit out another question. 

"Never have I ever had-"

"Was it recent or something?" I cut Josh off, pushing at it again even though I felt myself cross the line into annoying you. 

"Can we drop it?" Your voice snapped like in the car earlier. Ellie and Josh looked to each other and we fell into an awkward silence so I decided I'd ask you about it later.

"You can tell me later." I rolled my eyes and Josh continued his question slowly. 

"Never have I ever had sex in public." 

You were the only one to put down a finger and you looked directly at me, like this new piece of information was supposed to be a stab so I looked away, not wanting to know that story. You shot out the next question without hesitation and I knew as soon as you started that it was directed at me. "Never have I ever stood by and did nothing while someone I supposedly loved got tackled for me."

I eyed you, feeling the sting of tears coming on while you gave me a menacing half smile back. You knew what you were doing. I stood from the table and turned to Ellie to apologize before heading off to our room, falling into the pillows face first and letting out my first sob. A few shallow breaths in and through muffled tears I could hear Ellie ask you why you were such a dick and then footsteps made their way to my door. I held in my next few tears, waiting to see who it was and when I heard Ellie sigh, I let them soak through the pillow again.

"Alexis, I don't know what just happened but he's been extremely insensitive lately." She sat on the edge of my bed and placed her hand on my back, drawing small circles to soothe me. 

I tried and failed to even myself out multiple times and she waited patiently until I was able to catch my breath enough to speak back to her. "I deserve it though, he knows I feel guilty about watching Michael swing at him in their apartment." The words came out ragged and I hardly recognized my own voice. 

"But there's no good reason for him to use that against you if he knows you feel guilty." Her voice was smooth and calm, my shining light in the darkness of the room. I sat up and leaned my head on her shoulder while she wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me closer. It felt like a repeat of us on the log from earlier.

"He snapped on me in the car too." I sniffled into her hair. 

"I've noticed he'd kinda been on edge today."

"I don't know if it's just being apart most of the summer, if he's changing, or if I did something wrong? He just told me he's got a lot on his mind."

"And maybe he does." She started drawing circles again. "But that's no reason to act like this." I nodded only half believing her and noticed her breathing again, except this time it was calm and I counted her inhales and exhales while trying to match it to mine. 

All too soon, Josh appeared at the door and I looked up at him, embarrassed of my puffy eyes and makeup I'm sure was running. His face was sullen and he was leaned against the wood, his body hiding behind the other side of the doorway. "Hey, sorry to take her from you, but I think it's time we all went to bed. Zayn says he wants to ride horses in the morning and those slots fill up fast so we're gonna have to get up early." I looked at the digital clock next to my bed and it only read 10:30 but I felt drained so I didn't put up much of a fight. Ellie kissed my cheek and stood from my bed to go to her own room so I was left alone again with my thoughts. I sat in the darkness for about five minutes waiting for you to come in and say something- anything- to make this better but you never did. I picked myself up and walked to my suit case across the room, finding the only pajamas I packed were tshirts of yours which made me think maybe you were right. Maybe I was getting too dependent on you, but you made me feel safe and in that moment I hated that power. I hated that you held my emotions in your hands and that it wasn't something I second guessed until then. I grabbed for a tshirt of my own I had packed as a backup to wear on a hike and a clean pair of underwear before walking to the bathroom to run myself a bath and to soak away the tears that were still slowly dripping down my face. 

I ran the faucet and got undressed under the fluorescent lights, avoiding the mirror, and put my Elvis collection on shuffle to wind down. I poured in the complimentary bubble bath before I climbed into the tub full of hot water, relaxing against the rim and closing my eyes to shut out this cabin, to shut out my feelings, and to shut out you. A couple songs played before it got to my favorite and I hummed along, opening my eyes and staring at the wall in front of me. 

_Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you._

I peeked my toe out of the water to play with the faucet, singing the words quietly to myself.

_Like a river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be._

The door creaked open and I saw your face in the darkness on the other side. Avoiding eye contact, I focused back on the metal spout in front of me. I kept singing along and you slowly joined in, both of our voices quiet hums in the fog of the bathroom.

_Take my hand, take my whole life too._

You padded your way next to the tub and knelt down next to me, resting your arm on the edge and laying your head on your elbow facing me. I broke my concentration to watch you and how carefully you moved beside me. 

_For I can't help falling in love with you._

I stopping singing along and you mirrored me, just looking into my eyes until I had to look away- at the walls, the water, my skin burning beneath the bubbles, anything but your stare. The song kept going behind you but I couldn't find it in me to say anything until it ended and a new song flowed through the speakers. I wanted to tell you off for the way you'd been acting but my mind came up blank and my voice wouldn't have cooperated anyway. 

"I'm sorry," you beat me to the chase. That was three times in one day you were apologizing and I didn't know how to react, we'd never had a fight before. I dunked my head underwater and held it there, hoping my feelings would dissolve in the heat but they never did. 

I came back up for air but kept my eyes closed. I had nothing to apologize for and I didn't want to tell you it was okay because it wasn't, so again you were the one to speak. "I talked to my mom this morning for the first time in two weeks. We used to talk everyday, ya know." You paused, expecting me to add something but I didn't know what to say so

I kept my eyes closed and waited for you to go on. "I used to be so close to my family. There were so many of us at home that I was always surrounded by someone and we may have fought, but my sisters were my best friends, even through secondary. My mum, she was nervous about me leaving. She told me she couldn't stand to see me go, but she cared more about my happiness and what I wanted more than her own feelings of worry. She's the most selfless person I know." You paused and let out a heavy sigh, sounding like the weight of the world was against you and there you were, unloading it on me in a cabin bathroom in the middle of nowhere and it just felt like I was listening to one of my clients' rambles. All I felt was an excuse coming so I kept my distance because that's the last thing I needed. I needed a real reason, not a sob story excuse you were giving. "She did make me promise to go back after uni and get a job there so she wouldn't lose me to a place that's 8,000 miles away and of course I agreed, but ever since I came here, I've kind of drifted. And it sucks. It's like I'm so desperate to find something here that I'm letting go of everything there, and I don't want to do that."

"So don't," I said matter-of-factly. 

"Will you look at me please?" Your voice felt so fragile, I couldn't ignore it so I did as you asked. "It's not that simple, I mean, my mom's got feelings against America now because she feels like it's taking me away from who I am. She thinks I'm becoming selfish and losing sight of why I came, which was for an education."

"You can have other experiences, Zayn. You can still have fun, get your education, and be a mama's boy all at the same time." I was bored with your rant because none of it was explaining how you were treating me so I kept my answers short and not so sweet. 

You ignored my stab and continued your story. "I was supposed to go home for the summer Alexis..." Your voice dropped at the end like I was supposed to know that already. 

"So why didn't you?"

"I wanted to stay here with you." It came out almost as a whisper, like you were scared to say it. Or maybe you were scared of what was said next. "She thinks you're distracting me. Which I told her you were good for me, you make me laugh and keep me sane here, but then she pointed out, you're keeping me... here." Your eyes fell and you looked like a child preparing for discipline. But I didn't have it in my heart to tell you off because that last sentence broke me.

"I'm holding you back then..." 

"I don't think you are, but she does."

"And you care more about what she thinks than how you feel?" 

"It's my mum, Alexis." Your eyes pleaded with me but I could feel the tears welling up again. 

"So I'm the girlfriend your parents don't like?" I didn't want to think that was true but it was starting to make sense. 

"They don't necessarily dislike you, they just think we're too intertwined for someone who's going to be leaving soon." You put one finger in the water and started swirling it, avoiding my eyes by watching your patterns. I was unsure again of how to react. I'd never been told so bluntly that I wasn't enough. 

"Soon doesn't mean tomorrow though, you've still got another year of school." I tried saving the conversation but I could feel myself starting to get frantic, my heartbeat picking up pace and I'm sure it was loud enough for both of us to hear, my pulse echoing off the walls. "Plus, who's to say you won't find a job here that's too awesome to turn down? Maybe your mom's the one holding you back from everything you could be doing here." I realized the moment I said it that maybe that wasn't the best theory to add to the mix, so I hurried to throw out another. "Or who's to say I won't find something there if we decide to move to Bradford?" Your concentration stayed on your one hand teasing the surface of bubbles and I thought of one more terrifying option. "Who's to say we even make it to next year? Maybe we'll be over by then and you'll be free-"

"Don't say that," you interrupted and I was thankful you finally stopped me. You didn't offer anything else though so my mind started to wander, and I wondered if one of the first two were even realistic.

"So what are you going to do?" I asked, barely audible over the music still going on my phone.

"I'm going to call my mum tomorrow and tell her I'm alright, that you're important to me and I don't need to have everything sorted right now. I did tell her I'll be home for Christmas this year, so she can use that to hold her over until I come back permanently." You forced a laugh and I gave you a reassuring smile, unsure myself of what you'd just said and if it was a good thing for where we stood. 

"So you'll keep me for now?" I offered to lighten the mood.

"Yeah," you reached in the water to find my hand and held it. "I might even keep you forever." You pulled my hand up out of the water and kissed my knuckles, but my stomach still felt in knots from your comments to Josh. 

I held my gaze and your lips touching my skin ever so gently and decided it was now or never. I needed to clear the air so through my shaking voice I asked, "even though I'm suffocating?" 

You stopped to look me over and the knots tripled, scared of what your answer could be. "You're the furthest thing from suffocating, I promise. I was overthinking and seeing my mum's concerns everywhere, but I shouldn't have said that... I don't know another way to say I'm sorry." I felt the apology lift me from the hole I felt myself sinking in to and I leaned forward in the tub so we were face to face.

"Promise me you'll tell me when I get to be too much," I put my pinky between us for you to grab a hold of with your own.

"I swear," you smiled to me from the other side of your hand and pulled mine forward to slide me closer again. "Even though too much of you could never exist... I also swear to never use your feelings against you in future games of Never Have I Ever." Your face dropped a little but your smile was hopeful that I'd take the bait. I didn't even have to bring this one up, you knew you screwed up that time so I took the next promise. 

"And I promise to never play Never Have I Ever again, especially with you."

You laughed and scooted closer to me this time instead of pulling me to you and our faces were merely centimeters apart. Even after seven months of seeing you nearly everyday and kissing you a thousand times, I still felt nervous. The kind of nervous that keeps you awake wondering how did the universe decide to let us exist in the same space? And how did I get so lucky to be the chosen one next to you?

You dropped your pinky and stood from the tub, turning to the closet and grabbing two towels, placing them on the counter next to the sink. I watched as you pulled the stretched cotton tshirt over your head and threw it in the corner of the bathroom, your skin and ink exposed, the contrast extreme under the bright lights. Next you wiggled out of your gym shorts, your foot getting caught and you nearly tipped over, causing both of us to giggle at your clumsiness. You then leaned over the edge of the tub, peering into the water as if you were analyzing its depth. "Room for two?" you asked and gave your best smirk paired with a raised eyebrow, fully intending on me saying yes. I gave in and watched you strip down completely, laughing as you climbed into the cramped tub behind me and sloshed excess water on the floor beside us. I found room between your legs and leaned back on your chest, breathing in the outdoors and bug spray that lingered on your skin from earlier. You wrapped one arm around my waist and held the other on my thigh, tracing more patterns like before, except this time into my skin. You sang along to the next few songs that played, your voice low against my ear and I closed my eyes, relaxing for the first time on that vacation. 

~~~

The next morning I woke up to the sun in eyes and groaned to myself. The curtains were too far to close so my next best option was rolling over and snuggling into you to hide my eyes, except you weren't there. 

"Yeah, I talked to her," I heard your voice bouncing off the bathroom walls even though it sounded strained like you were trying your hardest to whisper. "Yeah mum... She is though... You'll have to wait and see for yourself. I promise, she's nothing like you're imagining... She's my world mum... No, do you think I'd get this worked up about it if she didn't matter? ... I know, and I love her for it. I love her for everything..." I swear my heart lept from my chest and exploded into thin air and I couldn't help but notice you were keeping your promise. You called her and told her I was worth it.  
I was worth it.

"Okay mum, I have to go now. Everyone's still asleep so I'm gonna get back in bed, but I'll call you again tomorrow? ... Okay, tell Dad I miss him too. Love you." I heard the quiet thumps of your feet against the floor coming back to our bed so I closed my eyes and pretended to still be asleep, but my blood was rushing and a new soundtrack was looped in my mind. I love her for everything. I felt you pull the blankets back and climb in beside me, pulling me into your side and smoothing my hair before you kissed my ear and whispered lazy I love you's over and over in my hair. 

_I love you, I love you, I love you._


	7. Skin and Ink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry, I've taken forever to update but the holidays came around, I got a second job, I was sick for a while, and a couple of other lame excuses, but here we are! And hopefully I can update more regularly now. Enjoy :)

Freshmen year is a year of exploration. It's when you do most of your reckless behavior with the excuse of oh, I'm new to this, I have no idea what I'm doing, and you're able to get away with most things, like sleeping through your alarms and not having a too demanding job so you can focus on said classes you sleep through, and spending all your free time with your boyfriend because everyone knows you're so in love.

Sophomore year, not so much.

Sophomore year is your year to get it together or get lost behind.

I was still working at Nordstrom, providing free therapy to the upper class while picking out their next event's attire. I'd grown used to it after a year though- when to compliment who, how to tell somone they have awful taste without saying, "You have awful taste," and how often to nod my head during their stories to make it seem like I was listening. Obviously I still loved it, even though it was far from what I had in mind as a personal stylist, but I was working for a department store so I took it as it was and enjoyed their babbling company for the most part because this was a stepping stone to somewhere I actually wanted to be and even baby steps take courage so sometimes I caught myself smiling while taking clothes off the Nordstrom racks for a client because at least I was going somewhere. Anywhere but standing still.

Mr. Davidson had started to come in more frequently when fall hit Minnesota, claiming autumn was his favorite season to dress for. I grinned like an idiot because it was my favorite too and one evening when we were laughing in the mirror about how outrageous his alligator skin boots were, he stopped me and suddenly got serious, taking me back a bit. "You're serious about this job aren't you?"

"Yes sir, I love fashion and being involved in any way is a pretty huge deal to me."

He stepped back and adjusted his dull green tie we'd picked out to match his god-awful boots only he could pull off, which stood out against his unusually plain dark grey silk suit. "You're going to school for this, correct?" He eyed me from the side while his fingers worked their magic, looping the fabric around to form a perfect knot at his collar.

"I am, though I might be overworking myself this semester if I'm being honest." I called him sir as a politeness from the company, but I considered him a friend, so I knew he wouldn't mind a little bit of a ramble. "I'm signed up for pencil drawing, modern design, an astronomy class as my elective, and journalism, which I'm super excited about because I started a blog in high school that I'd like to pick back up again but I was never sure about what exactly to put or to say so I'm hoping that'll help." I felt the permanent smile of being around Mr. Davidson grow bigger as his mirrored mine and we stood among piles of ties and suit jackets, grinning too big for our faces. "Oh, and I've got one more. Sewing." I rolled my eyes and let out a dramatic sigh, showing my discontentment.

"And what's wrong with that?" A laugh escaped his lips, though you could tell he tried to hide it.

"I just... I'm terrible and it doesn't help that sewing is a major component to design." It was his turn to roll his eyes, as if to say I was lying. "No! I'm serious! I tried to sew a straight line on a piece of fabric and made the prettiest design, almost like a paisley print!" He was full on laughing by then, making me do the same, but I wasn't lying. "It's not funny," I tried to convince us both, but yeah, it was kind of funny. "I'm seriously so bad at it, it makes me question how far I can take this-" I gestured to the clothes lying around us.

He leaned in, his laugh stopping abruptly, and whispered above the sudden silence, "I was awful at it too, that's why I found my way around it, hiring people to do what I envisioned. It gave me a better sense of how to communicate ideas in the long run, but it was a struggle at first. I'm sure you can come up with a plan as well if this class goes horribly, otherwise, you should just spend extra time on that." He went back to his normal voice as he walked away toward his coat and other belongings, setting up to leave. "I believe in you Alexis. You've left your sketchpads open at the front desk before and your ideas are... different, but in a very good way. Just believe in your capabilities and refine yourself and you'll do well." I felt myself starting to blush. "I see big things in your near future." He winked at me then and made his way out of the dressing room and for the life of me, I couldn't stop my face from burning.

The rest of my shift was spent daydreaming- about my name in lights and on the soles of my own shoe line, about people asking to interview me and taking pictures with models after my first runway show. I wanted it all and I wanted it with you by my side every step of the way. My daydreams sometimes turned into what would happen if we traveled to places like Australia or India or your hometown for business, how we'd stay at fancy hotels with our last initials sewn into the pillows that would be topped with too expensive chocolate and how we'd spend the nights talking about how we couldn't believe this was ours and we'd kiss until the sun went down and made its way back over the horizon. My daydreams always circled back to you. Back to the way you looked in the morning, your hair perfectly disheveled and lips swollen from the night before, the way my name tasted between kisses while I explored every ink stained inch of your body, and the way the smoke rolled from your silhouette at 2am when neither of us could sleep. My first year was an exploration of you if I'm being perfectly honest, but as I sat there spending hours at work thinking of mostly you, I realized I needed to get my thoughts together if I was going to be serious this year. I couldn't let you sidetrack me, not that you were the worst distraction that could've waltzed into my life. I just needed to be focused and ready to open myself up to more of what I'd planned for, and it was time for me to start saying yes to more than just you.

After my daydreaming hours were over, I said goodbye to my coworkers and got in my car to head to Ellie's. She was living with Josh in their own apartment and most nights, if I wasn't snuggled up next to you on my too-small single bed, I was lying beside Ellie with Josh on her other side, the three of us squeezed onto their queen sized mattress laughing about how ridiculous it should feel, us grown adults lined up under the covers, but it always felt the opposite. It always felt right and safe and warm, the way sleepovers should feel. So I made my way to my second home and as soon as I walked in the door, I plopped down on their secondhand couch and turned on their tv to start setting up her Netflix account.

"Hi Alexis, nice to see you! Sure! Go ahead! Take over my living room like you own it!" The sarcasm was thick in Ellie's voice from the kitchen.

"You love it," I yelled back as I covered myself in the blanket from the back of the couch. She walked in with a bowl full of popcorn, grinning as she sat on the cushion next to me. I reached over to grab a handful and she pulled the bowl away, glaring at me. "I literally haven't eaten all day, go make yourself some." She popped a piece in her mouth and I watched, debating if she was serious. When she didn't pull the bowl from her chest, I stood to do as she said- make my own. I walked to her tiny kitchen, which was basically an extension of the living room, just with a table in between to separate the two, and dug in her cabinets to find my own bag to pop. "So Josh and Zayn are at Ikea I guess to find us some lamps," She started telling me while she scrolled through the movie options.

"You let him do that on his own?"

"I really don't mind, I just told him something simple will do since we're saving up for the wedding."

I put the popcorn in the microwave and nodded though I knew she wasn't focused on me. "Yeah, I feel that. I'm trying to save for maybe someday going to New York, hopefully with Zay-" and it was then that I caught on. She'd said wedding. I turned to face her and she was nodding too fast, her smile almost childlike with how much excitement was behind it. "Are you serious?" was all I could manage. My mind started racing- Ellie and Josh, married. I rushed over to her and she stood, catching me as I crashed into her, knocking her back onto the couch. We were a squealing mess, bouncing and cutting each other off, going back and forth too fast for either of us to catch up.

"When did he-"

"Yesterday! He took me to the top of our old dorms so there was like a view of the skyline-"

I squealed.

"I know! And he had a little table set up and we had dinner and he got down on one knee and of course I cried and I was such a mess."

"Where's the ring?" I grabbed her left hand, searching for a massive rock.

"In my bedroom! He got it a size too small so we're taking it in tomorrow to get it resized." She pulled me up with her and we raced to her dresser, the ring shining under the overhead light above her bed. She picked it up so daintily, like it was her newborn child and I couldn't help the wave of laughter that came over me.

"You're getting married," I said, half to myself and half to her as she handed me the band with three diamonds, the center piece being the brightest. I couldn't believe it. "You're gonna be stuck with him for like, ever."

It was her turn to laugh then when she told me, "That's the plan." Her eyes sparkled with more life behind them than I'd seen in anyone in a while and I felt a surge of completeness wash over me. She was so in love, I felt it spilling over into me and I couldn't contain myself. Tears started running down my cheeks and I went in for a hug, holding her until we heard the front door close. We pulled apart and I gave her back the ring, still in awe of it as we made our way back to the couch. You and Josh were standing in the living room, each of you holding a simple metal lamp in your hands and a smile on both of your faces.

"I'm guessing by the tears, she told you?" You quirked and eyebrow at me.

"Is it that obvious?" I wiped my face with my sleeve and watched you and Josh place the lamps on both end tables on either side of the couch. You plugged yours in and sat directly beside me, wrapping your arm around my shoulders to pull me into you, kissing me on the forehead and wiping my cheeks with your other hand.

"He asked me to be his best man. Of course I said yes, so we're going tux shopping soon." There was a fire in your eyes as well and my heart started to swell again at the thought of you in a tuxedo, walking the maid of honor down the aisle.

"Wait, Ellie, who's your maid of honor?" I peeked around you to face her.

"I was hoping it would be you."

There came the waterworks again and I nodded while everyone chuckled at how easily my tears were being triggered.

"Is something burning?" Josh's nose turned up in the air and I remembered I'd left my popcorn going this whole time. I jumped up from my seat and ran to the kitchen to stop it, a puff of smoke leaving the microwave when I opened the door, causing the fire alarm to start chirping.

"Sorry!" I poked my head back into the living room. "I don't mean to burn down your place, I'm just a little frazzled I guess." I went back to throw away the bag and grab a new one but I could slightly overhear Josh asking you when it was your turn to propose. I froze, my hands on the counter to stop myself from falling over when you laughed it off, telling them it'll happen in time.

In time?

Not to say I was ever expecting a proposal from you any time soon, but now the thought started to cloud my mind of one day seeing you in a tux walking towards me instead of beside me. The room started to spin and I wasn't hungry anymore, the anxiety biting on my nerves as the daydream of marriage seemed easier to grasp than ever before.

 

 

_____

Three weeks later, I was still swirling with the possibilities of our future, but that morning, I only had one thought in mind.

We'd made it.

The sun shined through a sliver in the curtain, the light landing directly across my face, making me scootch closer to you to hide from the rays. November 12th was a Sunday which was usually reserved for pajamas and take out and lots of catching up on tv shows, but that Sunday was different. The night before, I'd made plans to get up and make you breakfast in bed- French toast topped with strawberries and black coffee (I'm still not sure how you were ever able to drink that)- but when the time came, the kitchen felt too far. We were sewn into the sheets, our arms a tangled mess and legs wound tight to keep in the heat under the covers. I buried my face into the crook of your neck, your shampoo filling my lungs from our shower the night before. You grumbled something unintelligable against my cheek, probably cursing the morning for coming too soon.  
I counted in my head along with the ticks of the clock, willing myself to get up, but time started to escape me and I must've fallen back asleep because the next time I opened my eyes, your lips were against my neck, leaving a hot trail from my jaw to my shoulder as you pushed my hair aside with one hand to reveal more skin while the other grabbed whatever it could get ahold of on my body.

"Miss Jenson," your eyes were hooded and your voice was still enveloped in sleep. The rasp in your words made my heart go wild and I swear there was nothing more pure. "Happy one year." I blinked a few times to clear my head and force myself to fully wake up this time before sitting up on my elbow, my hand under my chin and softly repeated it back, honestly in disbelief.

I remember the first year holding a lot of new experiences and in those moments, they seemed to last forever. You were the first one to make me smile in the middle of our kisses that went on for hours, the first one to make me laugh while rolling around under the sheets naked, the first one to hold my hand when I cried from stress or my parents or school because I was able to let my guard down around you. You were the first one to make me so angry, I felt my whole body catch on fire and you were the first one to make me scream without holding back because I always knew you'd still be there. One year, and you'd taught me love in its purest form and I thank my lucky stars everyday for that. I thank the stars everyday for you.

I bit my bottom lip and smiled to you, sitting up further and pulling you with me so we could get a start to our day. "So what's the plan?" I asked as we walked to our separate dressers, curious to what your grand scheme was since you wouldn't tell me beforehand, insisting it was a secret. I opened the drawer and realized I didn't even know what type of event to dress for.

"You know, I never understood why the guys always have to do the planning." You pulled out a pair of your black skinny jeans and started pulling them on. "I mean, why is it the male's duty to always be the one to do the heavy lifting? Like yeah, literally, but also figuratively." You slipped your belt through the loops and looked up to me for an actual answer.

"Zayn, I appreciate your feminism but its too early for all that. I just want to know where you're taking me so I know what to put on." I watched you turn back to your dresser, taking in the curve of your shoulders leading into your back, cursing myself for making us get out of bed before I had a chance to kiss every inch of it.

"It's too early for anything right now, but you're the one who made us do this." You pulled out a plain white vneck tshirt and stretched it over your arms, then your head. "But we're getting tattoos, so just put something on that's easy to move I guess? If you're wanting one in a tough spot I mean." You walked towards me and started looking through my open drawer, only after pinching my cheek and chuckling at how dumbfounded I probably looked.

"Tattoos? Zayn, I haven't planned for anything! What am I supposed to do? Just think of one on the spot?"

"That's how most of mine came about, love." You handed me a plain white tshirt as well and I reluctantly took it.

"Some of us want meaning to ours," I said mostly to myself, though I know you had to have heard me too.

"I know what I'm getting. It's a secret, but I will tell you it has to do with you, since it's our anniversary and all." The grin across your face was nothing if not wicked.

"Seriously? Please don't say it's my name. That's a bad omen and I-" Your laugh boomed across the otherwise silent room and made me jump a tiny bit.

"Alexis, I would never get anybody's name except like my mum's or my dad's. Maybe my sisters." You looked above me in thought and I rolled my eyes at giving you the idea, even if it was an accident.

"Okay, so you're telling me I should get something dedicated to you?" I bent over to dig through my bottom drawer for my pair of leggings I always swore by. Those things were comfort at its finest.

"I'm not telling you anything, I'm just saying you'll appreciate mine." You pinched my butt and hurried away to head for the bathroom and I couldn't see your face, but I knew you were pleased with yourself. I shook my head and started to brainstorm what in the world I was going to get. I'd been telling you for a few weeks that I was itching for new ink but I hadn't came up with anything yet and with the pressure of needing to know within the next hour looming over me, I felt like I was going to crack.

Breathe.

Just Breathe.

I yanked the leggings up to my waiste and started to think of things that reminded me of you. Did I even want somthing that blatant that would remind me of you forever? I could always get your name in Arabic, but like I said, that was bad luck so I made a sour face to that suggestion quick. Maybe something else in Arabic though? You came back in shortly after, cutting off my stream of thought and told me to finish up because our appointment was in 30 minutes.

 

_____

Downtown has such a gorgeous glow in the fall and the aura of the city felt completely nostalgic since it was snowing, like on our first date, and we passed the sculpture garden in our haste to get to the tattoo shop on time.

"Is it still a secret?" I asked you in the car, getting nervous to be poked. I had 6 other tattoos, including a piece along my spine which is said to be super painful, but it never stopped the knots from forming in my stomach each time I went in to get a new one.

"It is, and I don't want to know what yours is until it's done either." You leaned over and sqeezed my thigh before setting up to parallel park in front of the shop. I looked out my window, up at the neon sign hanging in the window of the double story building. Minneapolis Tattoo Shop. It sounded like you'd chosen the first name from a phonebook and it made me kind of weary, but I probably would've felt that way about anywhere at that point so I unfastened my seatbelt and walked inside, gripping onto your leather coat maybe a little too tight.

"Zayn! My man!" A guy in his late-twenties with a solid beard and too many tattoos to count stood and raised his arms, making our entrance grander than I was expecting so I giggled and nuzzled into you, suddenly shy because obviously you'd spent a lot of time there and it was the type of place where everybody knew everybody except for me.

"Today's the day, huh?" The man looked from you to me and back at you, grinning so hard the dimples in his cheeks showed.

"Yes it is! Jerry, this is my girl Alexis. Alexis, Jerry." We shook hands and I went back to melting into your side while Jerry got our paperwork started and cleared two chairs for us. You'd already been in and talked to him about your design, and I had mine picked out and printed from home so I handed it over when he asked for my idea and told me it seemed simple enough.

"Amy will take care of you Miss Lady," Jerry pointed me to the left chair, "And I'll be doing yours Zayn. Of course yours will take longer. Alexis' is only-" You cut him off by plugging your ears and saying ours were both surprises. Jerry let out a small laugh and led you to the back to get started while Amy came out to introduce herself and we went over my specifics.

"Heart and soul is what this says right?" I nodded, smiling from cheek to cheek and took a seat in the chair, watching Amy as she drew out the stencil. "This is so sweet, and you two look so happy," she smiled to me while she set up the gun, preparing to start mine soon.

"Do you happen to know what he's getting?" I asked as I peered over the divider between my cubicle and yours. All I could see was your back but you had your arm out and the sheet in front of Jerry didn't look small.

"Hey now, no peeking! Now I'm going to have you stand straight up and lift your shirt so we can get this on straight and see if you like it." I did as she asked and let her place the stencil to my rib, holding my breath as if she was already tattooing me. "Okay, tell me if that looks good in this mirror here." I turned and on my left side, the arabic writing floated as close to my heart as we could get it without it overlapping my breast. It sat on my ribs as a declaration to you, my heart and soul. I nodded again and Amy adjusted the chair, laying it down flat so I could lay across it and we could get started.

"How long have you been together?" She questioned me to distract me from the pain that would inevitably shoot across my skin.

"A year today," I answered her questions shortly to avoid having to breathe too deeply and mess up her work.

"Oh yeah, Jerry told me that. Duh. I thought it was unique that a couple was coming in for their anniversary."

"I didn't know about it until about an hour ago." She let out a small laugh under her breath and continued to make small talk about the weather and the snow, asking where you and I were from and how we met, passing the time until finally she wiped my skin clean and told me I was done. "Took it like a trooper," she encouraged me and I stood in front of the mirror again, marveling at the fact that I'd have a piece of you etched in my skin forever.

"Thank you... So much," I looked from my tattoo and back to her and I felt the knot form again except now it settled in my chest and made it hard to breathe. Forever is a long time, but it hit me then that forever was what I wanted.

Amy bandaged me up and while she was covering my skin, I started daydreaming again about the possibility of a wedding someday. A wedding also meant a promise of forever and it gave a whole new meaning to Josh and Ellie's engagement. A pang of jealousy washed over me and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you, but just as fast as the feeling came, it left, and I chuckled to myself at how hasty I was feeling. If we really had forever, then a wedding could wait. We were only 20 and 21, so I definitely could wait.

I finished my waiting on the couch across from the desk at the front and played on my phone, sending pictures back and forth to Ellie of my tattoo and then selfies to pass the time. Of course she said she loved it and I couldn't wait to show her in person and to be able to trace my fingers along it once it healed.

An hour and a half passed before you finally came around the corner and you came directly for me, sitting on the cushion right beside me, and you peeled a corner of the plastic from your tattoo. All I could make out was grey shades and black lines before you covered it back up too quickly. "I want to see yours first," you grinned to me and I rolled my eyes because you knew you were a tease, but I complied and started to lift my shirt. "Hold on babe, I was talking about your tattoo, save this for later," you grabbed my arm to stop me and winked but I nudged your hand off of me and continued to lift my shirt anyway.

"It's on my rib, you nerd." This got a laugh from Jerry and Amy who were leaning against the desk to watch us reveal our secrets. You peeled back a corner of my plastic and when your eyes caught sight of it, your breath hitched in your throat and I couldn't tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. "You hate it," I flatly guessed. "You hate it. Amy, I need a coverup design-"

"I love it." You interjected and ran your fingers along the skin beside it, careful not to touch the actual ink. "I... Heart and soul right?"

"Mhmm, I was hoping google gave me the right translation." I gave a nervous chuckle and you smiled sweetly before covering it back up and leaning in to kiss me a beat longer than what should've been comfortable with other people in the room, but I didn't mind so much.

We pulled away and my hands instantly went to your bicep, peeling back the black plastic so I could see yours. The bandage hid a hand-drawn cartoon portrait of a girl, the hair a medium wavy length and not filled in to note she was blonde, her eyes shaded dark grey, and she was wearing my leather jacket, a plain tshirt, tight black jeans, and her hands were held behind her back. "Is this me?" I whispered for just you to hear. You nodded and your eyes searched mine, unsure if I loved it as much as you loved mine. I copied your hands from earlier, tracing around the edges and even then I couldn't believe it. "You didn't... You really-" I started laughing, hard enough that I was throwing my head back, and I truly couldn't believe it.

"You said names were bad omens," you smiled to me. "Well, what's the next best thing?"

"A picture Zayn?" I stared at it again. "I can't believe this. Did you draw it?"

"I did... Do you hate it?" There was uncertainty in your eyes and I realized then that I hadn't said one way or the other yet.

"I love it." As soon as I said it, you could hear the breaths of the artists being let go and I felt guilty that I'd kept everyone waiting for my approval. "I look so innocent in this."

That earned a laugh from only you this time and you leaned in close to whisper, "Babe, I hate to break it to ya, but you're as innocent as they get." You lifted a finger and tapped my nose and I scrunched up my face in response. My eyes fell back to my portrait, falling in love with every line sweeping your skin.

"I love my eyes." I couldn't stop staring and the resemeblence was remarkable, even if it was only a cartoon. I stuck the plastic back over your arm after what felt like an eternity of me soaking it in, and you stood to pay, tipping them both extremely kindly. I grabbed your opposite arm from the tattoo and held onto it as we walked back out into the cold November air, except this time it felt different. I felt alive and every cell in my body was buzzing for you.

The rest of the day was spent in my bed with lots of grabbing and needy breaths and love, so much love that it could've filled the entire stadium down the street. Before we fell asleep that night, I'll never forget the way you looked at me, like I held your entire world, and you told me, "Josh tells me all the time that he's the luckiest man in the world, but I fight him everyday because I know he's lying. It's actually me." And that kiss, oh god, it was enough to send me flying and I swear I'll never find that again. I'll never find the way you held me because you may have believed I held your world, but you created mine, and like I said before, I thank every star in the universe for you, and I know I said I had to start saying yes to more than just you, but nothing else made sense. In my mind, it was just me and you.


	8. These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

"I bet you'll never guess what I got you this year," your cheeky smile spread across your face, those crinkles beside your eyes on full display as you leaned forward on the table, placing a hand under your chin and waiting for my reply. I remember you had intentions of growing a full beard once the weather started to get chilly but hated the way it overtook your already slim face, so you'd decided to keep it short instead. Just long enough to protect from the wind but still short enough for me to be able to trace your jawline with complete ease. I did just that, taking in how perfectly sculpted each feature sat upon your face while I tried to imagine what you could've possibly gotten me for Christmas. When I didn't answer right away, you jumped in to help me out. "I'll give you a hint: letters."

My favorite side of you was when you were teasing me, and you'd gotten pretty good at it.  
  
"Hmm, letters huh? Is it a stack of hand written letters going on about how amazing I am?" I took a lick of my ice-cream cone and you laughed, leaning back from the force and closing your eyes. "What?! Like the thought was just so ridiculous? It'd be nice to get that, you know." I dutifully searched for the next spot of ice-cream that was ready to drip so I could catch it before it dripped on me.

You leaned forward again towards me and licked your thumb before rubbing the corner of my mouth to clean up the mess I was making trying to race against time and eat my cone before it melted. "Maybe I'm just laughing because I should've thought of that first. But no, it's not that." I stuck my tongue out and grabbed your wrist with my free hand, bringing your hand to my mouth to lick the chocolate from your thumb. Your smile faded almost immediately and was replaced by you biting your bottom lip instead. "So are you going to tell me?" I asked in my most sultry voice, trying to pry the information from your weak, boy brain. You may have been good at teasing, but you'd learned it from me, I swear.

"I... uh-"

I moved on to your first finger next and god, the way your big brown eyes shined under the sunlight, I planned on stopping when the chocolate was gone from your hands but I didn't want you to stop staring at me like that and I couldn't remember if I was doing this for you or myself.  
  
"It's um, a necklace," You nearly choked on the words but I'd gotten what I wanted. I placed a kiss back to the end of your thumb and smiled up at you through my eyelashes. "We're in public you know," You mused, still watching me with a look of such contentment. "There are children around."  
  
"But I got what I wanted," I went back to my ice-cream cone and you rolled your eyes, your lopsided grin trying and failing to hide itself. It was your idea to get ice-cream in December, I remember you begging me while we were walking along Hennepin Avenue to try some new shop that had popped up downtown and you thought I'd like it because the decor was cute so I could get good pictures. Of course you were right, and the seats along the floor-to-ceiling windows made for great natural light. I wasnt much of a photographer- I'm still not- but I loved taking pictures of you so I snapped a quick one of you trying to hide your smile which made it even bigger. "Come on, hurry up with your cone so we can get out of here. I'm ready for this exhibit you've been talking about for weeks."

 

* * *

 

Mr. Davidson was a man with many connections, so as we grew closer from spending hours in the store together, he started to include me in some of his affairs outside of Nordstrom. That night he was hosting an event downtown where he was showing the works of an underground artist he'd found painting a mural on the back of some old abandoned building along the outskirts of Minneapolis. What he was doing there himself, I'll never know but I didn't think to question it at the time because I was too excited to be invited to something he was throwing together.

You and I walked through the freezing cold from the ice-cream shop to the exhibit and as soon as we walked in, a wave of belonging and serenity washed over me. It was one open room, the walls painted a crisp white with splashes of colorful canvases hanging in a row in all four directions. You grabbed my hand and pushed a loose strand of my hair back, your nose pink from the outside weather, and you gave me a peck on the cheek. "Start networking Miss Jensen. You got this." Another one of my favorites- your supportive side. You gave me a reassuring nod before walking away to the crackers set out at the table along the back wall. I had originally asked you to stay with me the whole time, but you told me you didn't want to feel like a third wheel in all my conversations so you were cool with just wandering around until I was done. The thought was kind of odd I guess, but I could see what you meant once Mr. Davidson caught sight of me and carried me through to nearly every person in the room, introducing me to artists and designers and general friends of his. Each interaction happened so fast, I hardly had time to memorize names, so I was kind of glad you didn't stick around to be dragged from one stranger to the next.

"So Alexis, this is my assistant, Ian." He was the last one on his order of rounds which was a relief because beside Ian was you, and after about an hour of small talk with people I didn't know, it was nice to be back to someone familiar. "I've gotta run and congratulate the main artist here tonight and do the speech and all that jazz, you know how it goes," Mr. Davidson winked at me and smiled before running off to do just that.

"Ian's pretty cool, he's been showing me the pieces and telling me about Mark." You wrapped one arm around my waist while popping a piece of cheese into your mouth with your free hand.

"Mark?" I looked around the room as I racked my brain for any Mark I knew.

"Sorry, Mr. Davidson." You corrected yourself.  
  
"Oh, so you guys are on a first name basis now?" I pulled back to look you up and down like this was some impressive feat. To be honest, I was quite jealous considering I was the one who'd worked with him for nearly a year and never knew this tidbit.

"Mhm, and I haven't even properly met the guy." The smug grin on your face made me roll my eyes, which earned a quiet laugh from Ian. "This is Ian though and I gotta be honest, I'm kinda jealous of you," this was directed towards me and I shook my head, wondering what in the world you had to be jealous of. "He's making these people seem so important and you've been handling it like a champ. Me? I ran to the cheese as soon as we got here because I was nervous to make small talk with people in the same field as me. I'm proud of you babe." You leaned in and placed another small kiss to my cheek before motioning me to the food table to get myself something. After picking out a cup of fruit, the three of us stood in the corner together, watching the ever so important people I'd met buzz around the place while the general public waved in and out, taking in the paintings around them.  
  
"Mr. Davidson talks about you a lot," Ian said as I stood leaned against you, watching people wander around us. "He says he sees a lot of potential in you, which is kind of a big deal. Has he ever told you what exactly it is that he does?" I looked up from my grapes and met Ian's eyes for the first time that night. They were a crystal clear blue under a pair of thick black framed glasses. His hair was a dirty blonde, pulled up with mousse probably and styled perfectly for the occasion. He was cute in an adorkable way, and I found myself blushing under his stare while he waited for me to answer.

"Um," I cleared my throat, "Not really. I know he's always coming in, telling me he needs to look good for some new event but he's never really told me what."

"He's in charge of setting up things like this. He finds artists and gives them a platform under his name." I could feel my eyes growing wide in disbelief. "He's been in magazines and he regularly flies to LA for conferences and occasionally brings his newest findings with him."

"Why in the world is he basing himself here then?"

Ian laughed and shook his head. "He finds LA to be too..."

"Fake?" You piped in.

"Exactly. I was trying to find a nicer word." Ian laughed again and pointed to the woman Mr. Davidson- Mark- was speaking to at the moment. "She's his next target. He wants to take her to LA to show off her paintings and maybe get her a contract to do some work with murals around the city. If not there, he can definitely get her a contract here." I couldn't believe it, how I'd stumbled across somebody so... important.

"Do you know who he's gonna be searching for next?" I asked, searching for hints that it could be me. Your hand squeezed my side and I was starting to feel nervous now that I was starting to understand just how everybody fit in there. Ian just shrugged and took a bite of his cracker.

"If you're trying to ask if you're next, then maybe. I know he only went to Nordstrom that first time because you guys had a tie in a color he wanted, otherwise he usually shops at higher end places, but he keeps going back to you week after week. Maybe it means something, maybe it doesn't. But he was right about one thing, you really do know how to dress. You look incredible tonight Miss Jensen." With that, Ian walked away to help Mr. Davidson set up for his closing speech and if my blush wasn't noticable before, it definitely was then.

"Did he just..." You started.

"Yep."

"And he stole my nickname." I turned to you and was faced with such a dramatic pout, I couldn't help but giggle at how moody you were pretending to be.

"It still sounds better coming from you, Mr. Malik."

"See, it doesn't work as well for my name." You rubbed your chin in thought.  
  
"You're right, but I thought I'd try." I giggled again and you leaned in to give me a real kiss this time, your hands finding their way to my hair.

A couple moments later we were interrupted by someone clearing their throat way too close for comfort so we pulled away immediately, rubbing our lips and me smoothing my hair. "Now kids, I know these things can get a bit romantic, but save it for when there aren't hundreds of people around?" Mr. Davidson was smiling, eyeing me like he'd just caught us doing something way dirtier.

You cleared your own throat then and reached out your hand for him to shake. "Mr. Davidson, I'm Zayn, Alexis' boyfriend."

"Ah yes, I'd assumed so." He took your hand in his, nodding as he shook it. "Please, call me Mark." You gave me a side glance and a smug grin, rubbing it in my face that you were probably more liked than me already. Mr. Davidson stepped back and glanced between us two before nodding to himself and reaching over to the snack table to grab a fruit cup for himself. "I hope you kids have had fun. And Alexis, I'm going to have Ian grab your number for me if that's alright? I have a few things to ask you but I'd rather not do it while I'm with a client."

"Of course!" My voice cracked half way through from the shot of adrenaline that ran through me but I didn't care. He wanted to speak to me and based off previous experience, he never had a bad thing to say. He walked off and waved goodbye over his shoulder, leaving me in pieces over the possibilities that lied ahead.

"Ian's gonna ask for your number," You teased immediately. I pushed into you, attempting to shove you over but with no success. "Are you gonna give it to him?"

"Of course," I said flatly.

You quirked an eyebrow at me. "Is that all you can say now? Of course!" You repeated my cracked voice from before. I shoved into you again, this time tipping you a tiny bit but you grabbed my waist and pulled me in for a hug so I couldn't push any further. "You know I'm just joking right? Of course I want you to give that nerd your number." You were trying to play it off like it was no big deal, but as soon as you started the name calling, I could tell you were jealous. Even in your jealousy, you knew where we stood and this was another one of my favorites, your confidence in us.

"Of course," I looked up at you and kissed that perfectly distracting jawline I'd stared at for too long too many times before.

 

* * *

 

Christmas break came faster than expected, which was simultaneously exciting and saddening. On one hand, it meant the obvious- Christmas was here and the joy and cheer of the season was surrounding us. We took full advantage of the freezing weather and went ice skating on the lake right outside of town and we spent our afternoons shopping for presents underneath the strings of lights hanging from the lamp posts along the sidewalks. Reality felt like a dream and sometimes I'd swear we were floating with happiness. On the other hand, it meant you were flying home Christmas Eve to be with your family and after your outburst in the cabin, it worried me. A few times, you'd told me you felt conflicted, like you were being torn between two places. You said both felt like home, one being in Bradford with your family and the other being here with me. One of my least favorite things about you was that you couldn't seem to connect the two. It was like you saw a solid line between here and there and didn't know how to blur it, or maybe you never wanted to. I won't lie, I'd cried myself to sleep some nights when you were already passed out because I couldn't stop thinking that I was holding you back, like I was the reason you felt torn, which I guess was technically true, but nobody wants to be told that. You'd had a few other random blow ups, nothing quite like the cabin but enough to make me feel guilty, so I was nervous that one day you'd have enough and just go back home. Or in this case, you'd go home for the holidays and not come back. You always told me it was never your intention to drag me into this, but when you're part of the factors, it's hard to not feel involved.

That's the thing about dreams- sometimes they feel like nightmares.  
  
We were lying in bed a week before your flight, watching Netflix until we fell asleep, but the same question kept burning in my mind. I'd asked it multiple times before and you'd always found a way to avoid it, so I thought I'd ask one more time. "Can I come home with you?"

We were watching the first season of Friends and Joey was making some rude comment towards Rachel, setting off the laughing track and you waited a few beats before answering.

"And miss seeing your own family? I wouldn't ask you to do that."

"I can see them everyday, I want to meet yours."

You sighed into my neck and rolled onto your back, but I stayed on my side, scared of the face you were probably making. "Don't take them for granted Alexis." I rolled over then, sighing dramatically to mock you.

"Don't tell me I'm taking them for granted. I know what I'm doing and I just asked you a simple question. So just tell me you don't want me there and that'll be the end of it."

You eyed me, the glow from my laptop lighting up your face. "I don't want my parents to think I have to bring you everywhere I go-"

"Oh, bull shit, plenty of couples spend holidays together. Just say you don't want me to meet them and get it over with."

"You don't know how it feels when I go home, they look at me like I'm different, and I just want them to see I haven't changed... much."

"Zayn, if they meet me then maybe you won't feel this weight-"

"If they meet you, it'll make things harder." The moment you said it, the moment you'd actually said it, I felt my heart physically break into pieces.

Rachel snapped back at Joey to make him look like a fool and the laugh track played again, but I couldn't help but think they were laughing at me too.

"I'm sorry I make your life so hard." I whispered. I felt my eyes start to get wet so I rolled back over facing away from you and turned off my laptop, setting it on the bedside table.

Those following moments of silence felt like an eternity.

Eventually, you rolled back onto your side against my back and draped your arm over my stomach, leaning over me to kiss my shoulder. "I'm sorry," your voice was barely there, but it felt like a scream in my scattered brain. "I'm so sorry, but I don't know how to deal with this."

"Let me meet them and maybe it won't be so hard." I swallowed back the tears I felt still trying to escape. "Maybe if I go there, England won't seem so far." You never responded so it was then that I decided not to push it anymore. I thought I hated when you yelled at me for bringing up your home or for asking why your mom didn't like me, but I hated the silence more, so that was it for me. That was the last time I was asking you this.

 

* * *

 

Two days before Christmas, I decided to stay at your place instead of mine. The next morning you would be catching a flight and I'd be headed home myself so you woke up before me to make us breakfast- blueberry pancakes and bacon. Dylan was back in his hometown so it'd just be us two and no awkward encounters with him or Michael if he decided to come over.

"Sorry love, no eggs because apparently we're out? And I didn't want to put on pants yet to go to the store." I was sat at the kitchen table while you flipped the pancakes in your boxers, occasionally cursing the bacon grease for popping your arms and bare chest. I smiled to myself, thinking how innocent this whole picture looked- a boy fixing food for a girl he loved, and her staring in awe wondering how she got so lucky to have this view every morning. Okay, so not every morning since most were spent in bed, her having to leave before him and him teasing her with how warm the bed felt. But still, looking back now, I wouldn't trade that view for the world, even on the mornings we were fighting.

"When do I get that necklace?"

You turned to me as you scooped the last pancake onto a plate. "Excuse me?"

"When do I get the necklace?" I gave my most innocent smile and placed both hands under my chin, closing my eyes to wrinkle my face up just enough to make you laugh.

"Who says you're getting a necklace?" You walked two plates of food to the table and set one in front of me, watching me with your eyebrows raised like I was delusional.

"You did, you dork. At the ice-cream shop."

"Oh right, you tortured me into ruining your present." You sat across from me and poured the syrup on your stack of pancakes.

"Excuse me," I gasped for dramatic effect. "I did not torture you. I tricked you if anything."

"Tricked, tortured, what's the difference?"

I grabbed the syrup from you and poured it on my own plate. "So... Where is it?"

You stood from your seat and reached in the back of the pantry. "I put it on the top shelf so you wouldn't find it," you stuck out your tongue and had to get on your tippy toes to even reach it yourself. You came back over with a tiny box wrapped perfectly in white paper that had Merry Christmas written in red repeatedly across it. You set it down on the table and scooted it in front of me, watching as I unwrapped the paper.

I opened the box inside to a gold necklace with tiny letters hanging from the chain. "A and Z," you stated aloud. "I thought it was simple enough to mean so much. Obviously it's our initials but I think it's neat that we're the first and last letter of the alphabet. Like you're my beginning and I'm your ending. And plus before I found this, I was trying to write you a poem of everything I loved about you but I'm not much of a writer, that's more your department. So I figured it could also be like a symbol of everything I love about you. Everything in the alphabet, from A to Z ya know?"

I could feel my cheeks burning and my smile overtaking my face with every word you were saying. "I think it's neat that I've found someone so thoughtful." I grabbed your hand across the table. "And I think it's neat that I managed to find the only boy left in the world who still uses the word neat in everyday conversations."

"Why you gotta ruin it?" You laughed and pulled your hand back. "I practiced that speech for days in the mirror."

"Did you use the word neat every time?"

"Did you use the word neat every time?" You mocked me in a voice more annoying than mine and grabbed the necklace from me. "If you don't appreciate it, I'll find someone else who does."

"No, no, no, baby I love it! I'm just teasing you. I love that you still use neat, it keeps me on my toes. It makes me feel like maybe I'm living in the '50's, and maybe we'll go grab a milkshake after this."

"Golly gee, maybe we will!" Your eyes got wide and your smile was super animated, and I couldn't handle it. I let out a laugh too big for your apartment as you stood to make your way behind me. I turned to face you but you shook your head, motioning for me to turn back around. When I did, you placed the necklace around my neck so I pulled my hair to the side, making it easier for you to clasp it. My hand went directly to hold it, the A and Z tiny between my fingers.

"I love you." I grabbed your hand from behind me and kissed your knuckles.

"I love you too," You leaned down to press a kiss to my forehead. "Now where's mine?" You sat back in the chair across from me and waited expectantly for my gift to you.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't get you one. I didn't think you'd want this," I motioned back to the necklace.

"Alexis, it's Christmas, can you be nice?" There it was, that crinkly smile again.

"Yeah, let me go get it from my bag."

A couple moments later I was back in the kitchen, handing over my entire backpack I'd brought. "I wasn't sure how to wrap it."

I watched you unzip the bag and bit the inside of my cheek, hoping you wouldn't think my present was too lame. Inside were cans of spraypaint and a few brushes, and under those was a smaller kit of paint for canvases and smaller brushes. "Alexis," you began but never finished. You dug through and pulled out every can, taking in every color and nodding to say I'd done well.

"Do you love it?"

"I love it. I love you, thank you." I made my way over to you and sat in your lap, wrapping my arms around your neck and pulling you in for a hug.

"You smell like bacon," I said against your neck and you laughed, your breath fanning against my chest.

The rest of the day was spent finishing season two of Friends and baking way too many cookies for two people to eat, but frosting them made me feel like a kid again and spreading the leftovers across your face in a food fight felt like winning a war at the playground. I wasn't ready to face you leaving yet and I wasn't ready to know if you'd change your mind about me in Bradford, so I pretended those parts weren't going to happen and stayed stuck in my daydreams all day with you.


	9. Wait For Me

Christmas Eve I dropped you off at your gate. "I'll be waiting to be picked up right here January 7th, promise not to forget about me okay?" You kissed my forehead and disappeared into the sea of other hopeful passengers counting down the minutes before they would be reunited with their loved ones. My countdown was quite a bit longer than theirs.

The weight of you leaving followed me back inside my car and I couldn't help but feel like I was losing you to a ton of metal attached to a jet engine that had no intention of bringing you back. I breathed a heavy sigh into my steering wheel and left the parking lot, headed back home. The drive felt longer than it should have and my vision blurred as soon as I hit the highway. The radio was off so I held my breath instead of giving in, trying to hide the uneven hitches in my throat from even myself. I wouldn't let my crying be the one thing to break this silence. Of course, you can only lie to yourself for so long before you snap but when a whimper escaped my lips, I slammed my hand against the wheel, mentally slapping myself for being so weak.

I couldn't let my parents see the puffiness in my eyes.

When I finally got home to pack for my overnight stay with my mom and dad, facing myself in the mirror to fix myself before I came in contact with other human beings was harsh. I was flushed and red and quite embarrassing. "Promise not to forget about me okay?" Your voice rang through my mind as I splashed cold water on my face. You were coming back in a couple of days and here I was crying when you had the same fears as me. As if I could ever forget you.

If there's one promise I could ever keep, it's that I will never forget you.

 

* * *

 

I went to bed early that night to forget everything I was feeling because being asleep meant being free from my mind, and for a split second, I believe it actually worked. I woke up the next morning with a flutter in my stomach. The familiar excitement of Christmas day replaced any anxiety I was feeling and I couldn't help but smile to my parents when I ran into their room before the sun was even awake. Of course you were in the back of my mind, but I pushed you further until the overwhelming happiness replaced any thoughts or fears of you.

I shook my dad awake, too impatient to wait for him to wake up on his own. "Alexis, honey, come back in about," he looked at the clock beside his bed, "three hours or so."

"Three hours? What am I supposed to do for three whole hours when I know Santa came last night!" Being 20 years old didn't stop me from playing into the whole idea of Santa and reindeer and Christmas magic. Of course I knew better, but it was still fun to pretend otherwise.

"Oh, I don't know, sleep?" My mom said through closed eyes and sleepy breaths. I took the hint and set an alarm for three hours on my phone. I figured I'd be useful in passing my time by cleaning the kitchen, but that only took a half hour, so my mind wandered back to you and I gave in by finally texting you.

_You up?_

_It's 11 am, of course I'm up. But why are you?_

_5 am is nothing_

_5 am is nothing but 7 am is torture when I try to wake you up before class._

_That's class, this is Christmasssss_

_Merry Christmas Miss Jenson x_

It took every ounce of my being not to whine about wanting you here, but I sent a simple Merry Christmas back and laid in bed to fall back asleep until a 'decent' time.

 

* * *

 

It was about nine when my dad woke me up. Apparently I'd slept through my alarm and maybe they were right about needing more sleep, but don't tell them I'm admitting that, even now. My dad had made cinnamon rolls for the three of us to munch on while we exchanged gifts. Most of mine were gift cards to Target or fast food places, "Because you always call to tell us how hungry you are." Living on a college student's budget wasn't easy so the gift cards felt like a present from God himself. I got my dad a waffle maker, one of those nice ones you can flip for that perfect, even, golden brown and they're supposed to be super easy to clean since he always says he needs waffles in the morning but never has time. As for my mom, I got her an Amazon card to download books from her reading list and a new bouquet of fake winter flowers for the window sill. It was a present I'd bought her with my first paycheck since we both loved flowers but were too forgetful to keep up with real ones, so it's become a tradition for every holiday that I get her a new bouquet and every holiday she acts just as surprised, like she had no idea it was coming.

"Thank you , honey." Her smile was sincere, so if I hadn't of seen the split second her face dropped when she thought nobody was looking, I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong. But I did see it, and it made me feel like I was sinking, myself. "Let's get ready to head over to your aunt Mary's house." She nodded to me and I smiled back, unsure if she knew what I'd seen and if I was the only one who felt the weight between us. "I heard she's gone overboard again, your cousins texted saying she's made enough to feed a whole village."  


* * *

 

"Tell us about school, Alexis," my aunt Mary made small talk over the kitchen table as she buttered her dinner roll. "I hear you've been doing well." She passed the butter container to me and handed me her knife.

"I have, besides for sewing. I still can't get the hang of making things fit. I mean, sure, I can sew a proper straight line, but anything more than that? I'm lost." I laughed at myself and Aunt Mary followed, taking the knife and my roll from me.

"How do you expect to get ay meat on your bones with that little sliver of butter. Here's how you do it." She pointed the knife at me then slathered on way more butter than I'd imagine fitting on such a small roll. I tried hiding my disgust, but my crinkled up nose gave me away. "Don't be so hard on yourself, dear. Eat what you want, you have time to worry about being fat later. And as for the sewing, I can teach you. You know, your mother and I used to sew baby doll clothes for your cousin Erin when she was little. We'd sit around this table and come up with new patterns and gossip all day, until the sun went down, and your dad would call to ask when Kate was getting home because he missed her so much." I followed her gaze to my parents at the other end of the table and saw my dad helping feed my mom and the butterflies were back. "He's always loved her so, so much. I never understood why he didn't just come over to do his work at my house while we did our own thing here."

"Then I would've had nothing to complain about," my dad chipped in.

"That's true," Aunt Mary laughed before sighing. "Now I'm the one who gets to complain because at least you have your little girl home for Christmas. I don't even remember the last time Erin called me, she's been so busy with her nursing schedule down in Texas. Why she chose Texas, I'll never know. I've only been there once to visit but I hated it. It was so hot and dry, I don't understand how she's stayed so long." She took a bite of the roll in her hand before realizing it was supposed to be mine and gasped, her mouth forming a perfect 'O'. "Oh my, I got so carried away, I forgot I'm supposed to be plumping you up! Here, I'll make you another one."

"No, no, I'm okay actually. I think I'm gonna have to build up my tolerance to that much butter," I laughed and took the knife back before she had a chance to do it for me anyway. "But I think you're just jealous of Texas, Aunt Mary." I eyed her with a grin so smug, she couldn't do anything but roll her eyes and call me Honey. "Seriously! Anywhere warm is better than here, we both know that, and Erin's happy right? So you're just jealous she's there and not here." I pointed my knife at her this time.

"Okay Alexis, stop using your psychology on your aunt and let her be bitter about her daughter," my dad laughed to lighten any tension that was growing in the room from me calling her out. I laughed too, but I couldn't help but wonder why my aunt couldn't just be happy for Erin.

That's when it hit me.

"May I be excused?" I pushed myself out from the table and ran to my cousin's room where nobody else was to call you.

It took four rings before you'd answer, and when you did, you sounded almost asleep. "Hey babe," your voice sent a tingle through my body and I couldn't help the goofy grin on my face.

"I know why you won't let me meet your mom."

"Um, Alexis?" You sounded taken back, which admittedly, I was probably rushing but everything felt so clear.

"She's jealous but she won't tell you that because she wants you to be happy, but she hates that you're in America nine months of the year."

"Alexis, it's Christmas, why are you saying this?"

"Because I want you to know, and I think if you just talk to her or bring her here or if you would've let me come home with you-"

"Alexis, stop. My mum's not gonna fly 12 hours to see some little town in the middle of nowhere just because her son's going to school there. She's got more important things to spend money on. Plus, what's she got to be jealous of?" Your voice had an edge so I knew I had to continue lightly if I wanted to get through.

"Me?" That single word came out softer than I intended and more like a question, when in my head it was a solid answer.  
  
"You think my mom hates me being there and it's because she's jealous of you?"

I nodded even though I knew you couldn't see me because my voice felt weaker than ever after hearing the venom in that sentence. As if it were impossible for her to be jealous of someone like me.

"My mum just hates that I'm away so much. That's it, end of case. I can't believe you won't stop digging into this. Are you really that mad that I didn't invite you home?" Your words were choppy, letting me know you were holding back from completely blowing up again.

My hands began to shake, but I knew I was right. "I'm sorry Zayn, I just think you should talk to her. It's weird that she doesn't want to meet someone her son's in love with."

"Merry Christmas Alexis. I'll see you when I get back." The line cut off and I felt myself choking back tears. The feeling was getting to be all too familiar and I hated it. In that moment, I hated you too. I just needed you to listen to me, it was all I was asking for.

Before I could let it get any further, I walked back into the kitchen in hopes that changing the subject in my mind would calm me down. "I think I'll take you up on that sewing offer."

Aunt Mary smiled but the warmth never met her eyes so I could tell she knew something was wrong with me. "Good." She answered me instead of asking any questions and I let go of the breath I didn't realize I was holding. "And Kate, you can come over and join the gossip while we sew if you'd like. It'd be nice to be together more often again." I looked over at my mom and the look she hid from me that morning was plain as day on her face. It was worry, and I felt my chest caving in on me. Was I really that transparent?

"Okay, good," my voice shook which gained attention from even my cousins now, who were sitting in the living room playing their new video games and fighting over who got to be first player. I felt all seven pairs of eyes on me, burning holes into my skin but nobody said a word so I turned away and slowly walked to the bathroom, trying to hide that their suspicions were true.

Inside the bathroom, I did the same thing I did before going to my parents' house the day before. I splashed cold water on my face and forced myself to take breaths too deep for my little frame even though I wanted nothing more than to just let myself suffocate right then. I sat down on the cold tile and continued my breathing, trying to gain some sort of control when the knock on the door startled me out of my self-pity trance.  
  
"Alexis, if you come out, maybe we can talk about what's bothering you." It was my mom and I'm sure she already knew, she was just trying to humor me and let me think she had no clue. I opened the door, feeling so exposed as my aunt stood behind her, a worried expression that mirrored my moms. I waved her off, wanting only my mom to know how deep I was in my head. We went into my cousin's empty bedroom again where I laid across the bed and continued my self-pity, except this time out loud. She sat silently in her chair and nodded at the right moments as I told her my epiphany and cried anyway, against my gut which was telling me to suck it up like I always do. I ended up pulling the chair out from under the desk in the room and sat next to her, staring blankly at the wall above where I was laying only moments before. I laid it all out for her in such a rush and now my mind just felt like it was at a hault. My mom's never been one to push, and I've always been thankful for that.

Moments went by before I finally spoke up again. "I'm stupid, aren't I?" I never broke my staring contest with the white wall.

"You're in love."

"So stupid and in love are interchangeable?"

"Everybody in love has felt stupid at some point." I leaned my head on her shoulder and she brought a hand up to cup my cheek. "When your dad and I were younger, we fought about every little thing you could imagine. He always left the stove on and I never turned the lights out, little stuff like that. But we were always honest in our arguments. I always told him I hated having to pay extra on the gas bill and he reminded me lights weren't free either." She chuckled to herself. "We finally admitted we were both wrong, and found a way to fix it. You've been honest with Zayn about how you feel, you just need to be patient until he feels like he can be honest with himself. I think that's the part he's missing."

Hearing my mom tell me I was right made all the cracks inside me feel like they were being glued back together.

"But," here was the part I was hoping wouldn't come. The part where she tells me I'm in the wrong too. "I don't think you should be pushing this hard. Nobody wants to hear that their mother is flawed."

I asked my mom if we could sit there a while until I felt better and she agreed, letting me cry on her shoulder until everything that I'd bottled up until then was running down my face and onto her sleeve. Around 6 o'clock, Aunt Mary came and got us to help even out the teams for the newest board game she'd gotten one of her kids and I knew my face was probably flushed and red but this time I wasn't embarrassed and nobody said a thing. My mom told me in the bedroom that everybody has felt this and that it's nothing to be ashamed of, that we're all family and nobody will see me as weak. So I finished out the holiday with my family in the front seat of my mind and I let myself laugh as if everything was going to be perfectly fine.

 

* * *

 

Ellie went home to Indiana to celebrate Christmas with her parents but she told me over the phone that they were driving her crazy so she flew back in time to ring in the new year with me. Josh was still in Ohio until the semester started back up so it was just us two at midnight. Neither one of us really wanted to dress up and go out so we spent the night in, binge watching Christmas movies she had recorded on her DVR and eating the brownies we'd made earlier that day when we had the motivation to get out of bed. We were only half paying attention to the Grinch when Ellie turned to me and asked, "Can we tell stories?" I cocked my head to the side, wondering why she felt the need to ask instead of just telling me whatever she was thinking. "I mean, like, stories we replay in our heads but aren't really important enough to randomly tell when we're all hanging out."

"You just wanna tell me about the cute things Josh does without sounding like you're bragging." I laughed and poked her dimple in her right cheek, the one that's barely there, but comes out when she genuinely smiles.

"Okay, but I also wanna talk about other things, like stories from when I was little that don't really fit into normal conversation, ya know?"

"Okay, like what?"

"When I was little, I wanna say I was about seven, I lied about being sick to my mom so I could stay home and play in my older brothers room. His room was huge, I'm talking the full size of a garage because it was built over ours when my little brother was born. So, anyway, I had just gotten skates for Christmas and a bunch of sports bras because I wanted to be like Britney Spears, except mine had Scooby Doo on them, and all day while everyone was at work and school, I skated in circles in my brother's room in my sports bra pretending to put on a concert like Britney." I tried holding in my laugh but the build up was too much and I accidentally spit out a bit of brownie on the blanket laying over us. "Alexis!" She flicked the brownie piece back at me and it landed in my hair, making us burst out in full laughter.

"Well, when you said pointless, random stories, you weren't lying." I said as I picked the brownie out of my hair.

"These are my deepest, darkest secrets, Alexis. My parent's still don't know about this."

"Okay, okay, okay. I guess I'll spill one too." I looked up to try and remember anything dumb I did as a kid. "Okay, so when I was 11, me and my friend went to the local grocery store, and she was a terrible influence. Like, not for drugs or alcohol or anything, but she always dared me to do things she knew I'd hate doing but she was so popular for an 11 year old that I did whatever she said, right. So we're in the store and she says, 'I want that pack of gum,' except neither one of us had money so I'm looking at her like, 'Okay? Tell your mom when we get home?' Except she didn't. She dared me to steal it. Dummy me, I think the gum pack has sensors on it that go off if you steal, so we take the pack to the bathroom and she helps me line the individual pieces along my training bra so that if we get caught, the security guards won't look there, and then we throw away the package it was in and walk out." Ellie's eyebrows were raised and her smile was so huge, I started laughing again soley from her expression, which made her laugh back at me.

"Wow, what a rebel," she poked my cheek this time. "And I bet she ate that boobie gum in the parking lot didn't she?"

"Boobie gum!" My eyes fell closed and my laugh got heavier, I couldn't handle it. "Oh my god, honestly, yes she did. And I almost had a heart attack thinking we were gonna go to jail and all I could think about was how am I gonna tell my parents and would they even bail me out?"

"I would've bailed you out," she said, pulling back the blanket to get up for more brownies.

"Can you grab me one?" I yelled towards the kitchen.

"Yeah, but now you have to tell me about all your rebellions," she yelled back. And we did when she sat back down. We went back and forth, telling stories about her sneaking out at 14 with her friends but they had nowhere to go so they walked miles to Walmart, just to turn back around and go home. Or about how I got my first tattoo at 12, letting my friend do a stick and poke on me as an experiment and how I hid that little ink heart on my knee from my parents for six years. And then we moved on to first crushes and first kisses, losing our virginities and regrets about how some of the boys we've kissed were totally gross in hindsight.

"Do you ever think you'll think Josh is gross?" I wondered out loud and Ellie pushed me over into the couch cushon.

"I hope not, I'm marrying him so I kinda wanna always think he's hot or that'll be weird."

"Okay, but what if he grew out, like, a mullet? That hairdo will never come back." We both shivered imagining him, or anyone, with that haircut.

"I like to think Josh has common sense and would never test me that way. What about Zayn? What if he got a bowl cut?" We shivered again.

"Oh god, and you know what? Sometimes Zayn will say things like," I lowered my voice and put on the worst British accent to do my best impression of you, "'Babe, would you still love me if I shaved all my hair?' Which, of course I would but why does he want to be bald?" Ellie giggled and shrugged her shoulder.

"Sometimes I wish I was bald. I hate having long hair." She told me without a second thought as I got up to grab the entire pan of brownies because getting up every time we needed another one felt like too much of an interruption and the rest of the night consisted of more stories and confessions like stealing and wanting to be bald- things we could never tell anyone else. I knew I loved Ellie with everything inside of me, but it was that night that I really saw how important she was to my well being. Sitting on that couch, I felt weightless and on top of the world, a feeling I'd been missing all break.

It was 2am when we looked at the clock and realized we'd missed the ball drop at midnight, so we closed our eyes then and made wishes for the new year, even if it was a little late. My wish was easy, just for happiness and simplicity in my life. I deserved at least that. My new year's resolutions weren't that easy because I wanted to make myself better and that meant breaking habits and forming new ones, but I deserved that too. I wanted to learn patience, like what my mom told me about, and I wanted to be kinder to people. I wanted to be those random acts people remembered months from when they happened and I wanted to spend time with the people that mattered to me the most. Hearing my aunt talk about Erin made me think about my parents and how they probably miss me too, even though I'm right down the street and not five states away. I wanted to take the light people gave me and shine it back. I wanted to be the best version of me. It only took me 20 years, but I finally decided to be better.

 

* * *

 

January 7th, I found myself at the airport waiting for you at the arrival gate with a sign that said "My Best Friend" so everybody would know who I was looking for. Ellie gave me the idea after she made me watch all those Christmas videos of soldiers coming home from war to see their families and most of them held signs saying "My Hero," and every single one ended with the families crying and me sobbing over her keyboard. I knew you weren't coming back from anything that drastic, but our story felt just as important as theirs, so I followed in their footsteps.  
  
When you walked through the gate with your backpack in tow, you almost looked younger. I couldn't place it then, but looking back, it was probably from being home. It was what you needed, as much as I did too. But that ton of metal attached to a jet engine that I was so afraid of taking you, finally brought you back and I felt my smile creep up until it was so big, I'm sure it took over the whole airport. You crinkled your nose across the crowd to me until you were close enough to read my sign and when your eyes found mine again, there was a flicker of fire behind them.

"Welcome back, Zayn," I said and you grabbed my hand, pulling me into a hug tight enough to suffocate me. Maybe Aunt Mary was right. If I would've eaten all her butter, I'd be big enough to handle your bear hugs better. The thought made me chuckle against your neck but you didn't care, you just whispered you loved me, over and over again in my ear.

Things felt so back and forth with you lately, but I was hoping your resolution was similar to mine and that we'd get over this weird phase we were in. I still loved you, even if those 14 days apart were filled with small talk and awkward goodbyes over the phone, but now that you were back, we'd make it better and I promised myself I'd be patient with you until you could be honest with me about us.

I would've waited forever and a day for you, because watching my dad take care of my mom and watching the families kiss their loved ones in the videos put everything in perspective for me. Love was worth waiting for.

You were worth waiting for.


	10. Mr. and Mrs. Josh Harding

"Miss Jenson, can you please come here? I have something important to show you." Mr. Davidson's assistant, Ian, called for me across the empty waiting room. I stood and straightened my pencil skirt before taking the few steps over to his desk where he sat surrounded by important looking paperwork and a phone that only rang twice of all the times I'd been there. Most clients had Mr. Davidson's personal number so only new clientele had Ian's extension, but Ian claimed he was still an asset to the team, though I was convinced all he did was watch youtube and follow Mr. Davidson to events so he'd feel useful. I stopped in front of his desk but he waved me around to the other side so I could see his monitor. "Look at this octopus! I've been hooked on these little buggers for a while now because, god, they're so smart! Apparently, he escaped every night to eat fish from another tank and they never found out why all the fish were missing util they set up this camera and look! He just walks across that floor like he owns it!"   
  
I laughed into Ian's shoulder and he told me to pull up one of the waiting chairs to sit in until 'Mark' was ready to see me. It was still weird being asked to call Mr. Davidson, Mark. I did what I was asked though, about the whole Mark thing and pulling up a chair, because I enjoyed it there. After the holidays were over, Ian called me and he set me up with weekly meetings there at the office to discuss events and plans going on in Mark's world. Some days we would discuss his clients and he'd ask for opinions on their work and other days we'd go over my school work and he'd give insight to what could use a little more work or what he loved about my design pieces. He became a mentor to me and somebody I could open up to about my struggles in the fashion world since he'd already been there himself, granted that would've been many years ago but he still gave good advice. Mr. Davidson's office became a second home to me and even gave me a brother-like figure since I never had any of my own growing up. Ian always knew what to do to help pass time until Mark was available and most of the time it included youtube, like I'd said earlier. I swear, watching videos had to have been in his job description.

"Do you wanna know a secret?" Ian had his elbows on his desk and his hands under his chin, leaned into the monitor like it was the one about to spill the hottest gossip. I nodded to him and he grinned, knowing I was hanging onto his every word. "I think Mark is going to ask you something big today." I pulled back and looked him in the eyes, searching for any kind of sign he was joking but there was nothing but pure excitement behind that grin.

"Nuh uh... Don't tease me like this Ian." I pushed my chair back from his desk and he lowered his hands to his lap, sitting up straight now.

"I promise to... that wickedly awesome octopus, that I'm telling the truth." He pushed his black framed glasses back up his nose and nodded to me, his smile getting wider. "But you can't let him know you know it's coming. I overheard him talking to Eva in New York and he mentioned you and... I shouldn't say more." I couldn't say a thing but I'm sure my open jaw said it all.

The door behind us opened then and Mark stood in the doorway as nothing but a silhouette against the floor-to-ceiling windows in the background of his office. "Alexis, my dear, you make every Tuesday shine a little brighter! Come on in here." I looked from Ian to Mark, and when I went back to Ian, he was nodding to me again, prodding me to go but his eyes were sharp, telling me to play it cool.

Inside Mark's office sat the familiar bookshelves I'd grown to love over the past three months, filled with Vogue magazines he'd been featured in and pictures with local artists he was proud to represent. Those shelves were also cluttered with self-help books about positivity and design manuals from past New York Fashion Weeks he'd attended. His office was an open book to his life and I adored exploring them a bit more every time he invited me in, but that day, I skipped the search for new material and sat directly in the chair across from his empty desk. His walls may have been cramped, but he kept his desk minimal so he wouldn't have any immediate distractions while working.

"Alexis," he began and I felt my skin crawling with anticipation. Ian probably thought he was helping by dropping that bomb on me, but it made me antsy and I'm sure Mark picked up on it. "How did your week go?" He stood leaned against the windows, facing me with the most genuine smile.

"I actually brought some designs I wanted you to help me clean up a bit for my color analysis project. I've been having trouble with that, and I've been so stressed about Ellie's wedding this weekend. She's... How do I put this nicely? She's gone..."

"Bridezilla on you?" We both laughed and I felt my stomach turn with false hope. What if Ian was lying to me? "It's okay, I've helped plenty of brides prepare for their big day and I've seen and dealt with the worst of the worst. They can be the nicest women, but if you ask them to plan a wedding, they grow scales and incisors sharp enough to bite off anyone's head that stands in their way." He moved to sit at his own chair across from me. "What doesn't kill you will make you- and your friendship- stronger." I couldn't hold in the sigh that followed and Mark laughed again to lighten the mood. "Let me see your designs though, we can start today with that." I handed them over and we spent the next hour going over my classwork and joking about pretentious classmates or coworkers, pointing out how fashion either brings out the best or the worst in people.

"How is your sewing going with your aunt?" The question came from out of the blue, but after three months of her tutoring me, I was happy to tell him I was finally getting the hang of it.

"We're making my little cousin a birthday dress for next month. It's a fairly simple design but I can make real clothes now!" I giggled and brought up pictures of what we were planning on making.

"What about making something like a slip?" He raised an eyebrow at me and I shrugged.

"Seems easy enough. I've made a few trial ones, why?"

"I have this client named Eva," he began and my heartbeat tripled. "She's starting a line for Urban Outfitters and she's asked me if I knew anybody who would want to collab. She just had a baby so she doesn't really have time to fully commit to something on her own but she really wants this line. I was thinking maybe you could come up with a few sketches and I could e-mail them to her to see if she's interested in working with you?"

I felt my palms start to pool with sweat so I wiped them on my jeans, hoping he didn't notice my body turning against me. "Of course," I nodded my head, maybe too hard, and repeated myself again. "Of course, yeah. I'd love to."

"Great! I'll send you the ones she's already sent me so you can get a feel, but feel free to go a little outside the norm of what a slip is usually thought to be." He paused for a moment and looked me up and down, probably counting the thumps in my chest that escaped to fill the room. "Do you... want me to help you get started?" I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and handed over my pencil to him.

"Please."

He smiled before taking the pencil and bringing out a blank sheet of paper from a drawer in his desk.

When I left the office that day, Ian was on the phone but he winked to me and I grinned back as a thank you. As soon as I got outside, I dug for my cell phone in my jacket pocket and dialed your number, the butterflies swallowing me whole and making it hard to speak. When you didn't answer after the fourth ring, I remembered you were at work and decided to head to my place to start the sketches. March was shaping up to be the best month of my life and nothing, absolutely nothing, could stand in the way of this high I was feeling.

 

* * *

 

That night around 11pm, I was sat at my desk trying to work out the details of my fifth idea when I heard a knock at my door. You and Ellie both had a key to the place, so I grabbed the bat by the door my dad convinced me to keep and opened the door just enough for me to see your leather jacket swaying.

"Zayn?" I cocked my head to the side as you pushed the door open enough to walk through. Leaving the bat by the door frame, I followed you into the living room. "Zayn, why did you knock? And-"

"Alexis, today has been the best day of my life." You slurred and continued to sway, catching yourself from almost falling over onto my couch. I ran to your side to hold you up and you put one arm around me and held up a finger with your free hand. "Do you know what happened to me today?" You shook your finger in front of my face.

"I have no idea, but I bet you're gonna tell me..."

"Wow. See, this is why I love you... You're so smart..." You hiccuped and I stumbled, trying to keep up both balanced.

"Zayn, why are you so-"

"Do you ever feel like you're floating, baby? Like the world just, LOVES you? Because I love you. I love you, and I love Josh and Ellie. Honey, did you know they're getting married? Married... Marriage... They're gonna kiss in front of everyone they know. They're gonna kiss and kiss and kiss and we're gonna be behind them. Baby can we kiss?"

"Right now? Or..."

"No, silly, at their wedding! I wanna kiss you at their wedding... Because weddings," you hiccuped again, "Are for kissing, my love." I turned us to sit down on my couch and you pulled me onto your lap. I'd never seen you that drunk before, but there was something endearing to it. You were completely wasted but the only thing you were thinking about was kissing me.

"And then after we're done and we've made love all night on Josh and Ellie's wedding night, because that's what you do after weddings, is make love, then I'll go to my new job..."

"New job?"

"My new job, Lexi... Rexi. My. New. Job." You'd never called me Lexi a day in your life so I couldn't help but giggle at your ridiculous nickname you were trying to make. You covered my mouth with your hand and leaned in real close to me, your intoxicated breath fanning across my face so I held my own and nodded for you to continue. "My new job, Miss Rexi," I laughed again and you scrunched up your face to show your disapproval. "Is with Resi... Redidual... Residal..."

"Residual?" I muffled through your hand and you uncovered my mouth to run your finger along my lips.

"See, you're so smart." You pressed your lips along my jaw and I knew where this was going, but I had to stop you because I had to know.

"Residual what?"

"Oh, yeah... Residual Web Design. I'm gonna make webbies and people are gonna pay me!" Your eyes lit up and I laughed again at how childlike you were acting. "That's where I've been all night. I didn't tell you about it cause I was nervous I wouldn't get it but damn," Another hiccup. "I slammed it!... And the guys loved me so much... so so much... that they took me to get a few pints. But then one thing led to another..."

"Oh no, you didn't let them take advantage of you, did you?" I bit my lip to hold back my laughter but you didn't think it was so funny.

"Laugh all you want Rexi... I'm a man with a real job now! Plus, I'm plastered and I just want you naked." You deadpanned and stared at me expectantly, but I still had news for you.

"Well, since you didn't wanna answer your phone earlier, I'm gonna tell you now. And probably again in the morning. But I got a designing opportunity with Urban Outfitters to draw up some sketches of dresses and collab with a designer in New York."

"New York! My baby..." You looked around the room to our invisible audience before pointing to me. "My baby is going places! New York... I've never been to New York, can we go to New York?"

"I'm not going, I'm gonna be collaborating with someone there-"

"Let's go to New York for our honeymoon," you cut me off and I tried to ignore your drunk choice of words, but honeymoon is a huge word to ignore. "We can see the Empire State building! We can go ice skating and we can find Trump and tell him," You pointed to me again, "You're fired! Except we'll mean he's fired from Presisan... Prediden..."

"Presidency?"

"Yeah, that. Baby, I don't want Trump as your president. He wouldn't be mine because I'm from England. I'm from Bradford, ya know?" You started to sing a song I could only guess was from a children's show that listed major English cities until you leaned back and rested your head on the back of my couch. "Miss Jenson," You said, a voice barely audible in my fairly dark living room. The only light on in my apartment was the lamp on my desk from where I was sitting when you knocked on my door. "I wonder what it's like to be married."

Things hadn't really changed much since Christmas in terms of you fighting whatever it was that was hurting you, but you still remained unbudged on me ever meeting your family, so in the back of my mind, the thought of marriage was conflicting for me. In a perfect world, it didn't matter if your mom didn't approve because it would just be me and you against the world, but reality was different, so before you broke my heart with any more of your marriage talk, I repositioned myself so I had one knee on either side of you and pulled your face up to mine so we could kiss until you forgot where that thought was going.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, I woke up to you tracing my heart and soul tattoo on my couch, our clothes across the room, and your eyes closed, probably to help stop the room from spinning. "Babe," I whispered and you opened your eyes into mine. "Do you remember anything from last night?"

A moment passed before you answered, "I think you almost hit me with a bat?"

I buried my face into your neck and laughed, a little embarrassed that that was the part you came up with. "You also came up with a new nickname for me."

"Oh?"

"Yeah... Lexi Rexi." I felt your skin burn under my cheek and when I pulled away to see why, your skin was a bright red and I laughed again, only this time at your embarrassment.

"I guess it has a nice ring to it..." Your voice was groggy from sleep and probably dry from being hungover, so I stood to get you a glass of water. When I came back, I gave you the rest of the details, including how adamant you were about kissing me at the wedding and how Mr. Davidson gave me the jump start of my career. I left out your questions about marriage though. I didn't want to deal with that while you were sober.

 

* * *

 

 

March 22nd was a beautiful Sunday in Minneapolis that year- the weather was letting up leading to an unusually warm few days which in return, created this universal joy throughout the city. I'd been experiencing a terrible ache in my stomach that week, but nothing came of it so I ignored it, knowing it had to be due to stress. Everybody's moods were lifted, including my own and even Bridezilla's, aka, Ellie. That day had put enormous amounts of stress on her from the time she was proposed to until she walked down that aisle, but the few days leading up to it weren't half as crazy as they could have been, and for that, I thank the weather.

The day of the event was hectic for everyone involved except for me and Ellie. Everybody had a part to play: you and Josh were to help supervise the set up of their reception while the other groomsmen overlooked the setup of the actual ceremony. The moms were to accept the flower delivery and decorate according to Ellie's detailed map and the dads were to check on the progress of the food coming that night. My main job was to keep Ellie calm, which was easier than I'd imagined those nights leading up to then.

"Alexis, can you help with buttoning me up?" Ellie and I were getting ready separate from the other girls so she could have room to breathe. My hands went to work in silence as they went up her back and I admired the lace covering the silk that hugged her in all the right places. If I were to have a dream dress, it would be that one, and I felt an overwhelming wave of wonder cross my mind, questioning if she'd ever have the chance to button me up like this some day. Instead of letting my mind wander and further, I made small talk to fill the void hanging over us. "Are you nervous?"

"I'm excited to see Josh standing at the alter." I patted her back to let her know I was finished so she turned to me and I caught a glimmer in the corner of her perfectly made up eye. I reached out to stop it from falling and ruining her mascara and she smiled to me, grabbing my hand and holding it in hers. "I'm excited to spend the rest of my life with my best friend ." She said with quivering lips.

"Aw, honey, I'm excited to spend it with you too, but today is about you and Josh, not you and me." I smiled and that got a laugh out of her, which was better than crying and I turned her back to the mirror. "Ellie, you look like a princess." She laughed again and wiped at her eyes, preparing herself for standing in front of everyone she knew to declare her love for a boy she'd met in college.

 

* * *

 

"It's weird to think how life plays out and hands us what we need, and how the pieces all fit perfectly if you let them. Ellie was one of the lucky ones, finding her fairy tale in a mess of awkward teens let out into the real world, left to make it on their own. Except in her story, she's never really been alone. I've watched her grow from this fragile 18 year old with straight across bangs and 12 layers per outfit, into a beautiful young adult, who can make phone calls without crying, and who can remember to do their own laundry before having to wear their underwear inside out to make it through another day. Ellie's grown into someone who you can count on with every secret, someone who puts others' happiness in front of her own, and someone who, once they know what they want, they go after it. She's not afraid to commit, and give herself 100 percent, and that is why I count Josh to be the luckiest person on this planet, even before me, because Ellie will be the first thing he sees in the morning and the one who tells him goodnight. They will get to spend eternity together, growing, laughing, and creating their own world together. They will have a support system like no other, and to me, that's the most important thing about marriage- just having each other. Thank you, Josh and Ellie for giving me a relationship to emulate and strive for, and for letting me come along on this crazy ride. I love you guys. Cheers!" I held up my glass of champagne and the guests shouted "Cheers!" back as we all took a sip and I sat down, looking to Ellie who was too lost in Josh's eyes to realize everybody's chatter and that the music was starting to play.

A couple more sips later, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see you standing above me in a perfectly fitted black suit, complete with a black bow sitting at the collar. "May I have this dance?" I jokingly hesitated which caused you to smirk and pull me from my seat, leading us to the dance floor anyway. Your left hand found the small of my back while your right hand held mine out beside us. The music playing was a slow song I didn't recognize but you did, so you sang along, never breaking eye contact with me until it was over. Above us, strings of lights twinkled and I'd never felt more at peace with my life, continuing the theory of March being my new favorite month.

"Miss Jenson," you leaned into my ear. "You look beautiful tonight."

"You don't look so bad yourself." I kissed your cheek and held it a beat longer than usual, smiling into your skin. The next song that played was a bit faster, but still mellow enough that we could get away with continuing to slow dance, until you surprised me with a dip and spun me enough to make my dress flair out. You pulled me in and I couldn't help the giggle that escaped my mouth. "Where in the world did you learn all this?" I asked as you dipped me again.

"Josh and I took dance classes all month to prepare for this. He learned a little more than I did, but I figured all I needed was a few fancy tricks to impress the ladies." You quirked an eyebrow and pecked my lips before spinning me again.

"The ladies, huh?"

"Mhm, Josh told me there would be this smokin' hot girl here in a pink dress that I could have. I didn't find her though, so I figured you'd do." I pushed against you and you laughed, grabbing my wrists and putting them around your shoulders.

"Well, I'm sorry you have to settle."

"It's okay, I'm sure she didn't fit the tattoo on my arm anyway."

"Fit the tattoo?" I pretended not to know what you were referring to, giving in to your 'just meeting' act.

"Yeah, I have this picture of the perfect woman on my arm. Maybe later," you leaned into my ear to whisper the rest. "We can share a bottle of good champagne, compliments of the bride and groom-"

"Of course," I nodded and smiled against your cheek.

"And we can sneak off into our own room, share our darkest secrets, and then maybe," you lowered your lips onto my neck and kissed your way back up to my ear. "Maybe we can cuddle until we fall asleep?"

"Cuddle... Is that it?"

You pulled away to look me in the eyes and the smirk on your face was so dirty, it was hard to imagine you were only asking to cuddle.

"Are you..." you looked around and then back at me. "Did you think I was going to take advantage of such a pretty girl the first night I met her?"

I laughed and pushed against you with my hands again. "Zayn, I think I've found your wildest fantasy."

"I mean, I wouldn't say it's my wildest, but it's one of them."

"Okay then, Zayn. I wanna see this tattoo you've been talking about... And you don't need champagne for me to let you do whatever you want tonight."

"Bathroom stall?"

I laughed but your eyes were stone and set deep into mine. "Wait, you're serious?" You nodded. "Right now?" You nodded again so I let you lead the way, laughing to whole time. Even through the struggle of locking an entire bathroom and getting my zipper undone, or figuring out your bowtie, or us both wondering out loud how in the world I got my waist trainer on and how to get it off without suffocating me, we were both laughing and that was before we were even drunk.

Bathroom stalls never gave off the vibe of being easy to maneuver around, but actually trying to have sex in one was nearly impossible until you flipped us around and just went for it. And I don't know if it was all the giggling or the mini successes we had in that stall or the wedding bells in the air, but something made you moan, "Will you marry me?" in my ear. Maybe it was the same something that sat in the bottom of my stomach all week that finally decided to come out right then, and thank god I was bent over a toilet when it happened, but this was also before either of us were even drunk.

You hurriedly pulled up your pants and held my hair back, pulling up the pieces that kept dangling in my face and rubbing my back, asking a million times over if I was okay.

When I was finished, I didn't quite know what to say. I didn't know where it came from- my sudden urge to vomit or your sudden urge to marry me- and I didn't know if you were really expecting an answer.   
  
"Zayn-" I started but you cut me off, which I was thankful for because I had no idea what I was even going to say.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked it like that. Or asked it at all. I don't know what I'm doing anymore." We were standing beside the sink and the silence in the room made the whole ordeal almost too awkward to be in, so I turned on the faucet and started washing my hands and my face. "I ruined tonight, I'm so sorry."

I looked up in the mirror at you and your eyes were on the floor across the room, your arms crossed beside me. "It's not ruined. You were just caught up in the moment, and I've been sick all week. It was just like a freak accident."

"Me asking you to marry me is like a freak accident?" Your eyes came up from the floor to meet mine.

"Zayn, I don't wanna talk about this tonight."

"And why not?"

"Because that'll be what ruins the night. Can we just please let it drop."

"I thought you wanted a relationship like Josh and Ellie's?" You challenged my words from the speech and I felt my cheeks burn. "When I don't try, you yell at me and blame everything from my mom to me being scared, but if I do try then you shut me down and say nothing. What am I supposed to do here?"

"You're supposed to marry me because you want to, Zayn. Not because I said it in some speech or because you don't know what else to do. And especially not because we're having sex and have nothing else to yell out." You stood there dumbfounded, like you weren't expecting a real response, so I started to walk out, but one more thing crossed my mind that I needed to know. "What were you expecting when you moved here? Just to go to school and go back home, never looking back at what was here? Did you ever really expect to make friends or fall in love?" A moment passed before you whispered no, so I shook my head, not really knowing where to go from there. "What do you want from me?" I felt my eyes start to sting but you didn't take any steps closer, making them sting that much worse. "Can you just talk to me? Can we just finish this fight before we leave this bathroom because I'm tired of feeling so back and forth with you. Christmas was one of the hardest times of my life because I honestly didn't know if you'd even wanna come back and you always tell me you love me, but then if anything too serious happens, you shy away like it isn't what you want."

"I don't know what I want Alexis-"

"You tell me you want to marry me, but do you realize your mom would have to be there? Your mother. The one you won't let me meet for god knows what reason, because it's not because she's jealous! Or is it? Is it because you're such a mama's boy that you don't want her to know that you've found something good here and may never go back? I just-"

"How do you tell someone that, Alexis? Tell me. How do you tell your own mother you're happier five thousand miles away from home? How do you pack up your entire life and move an ocean away for someone you're scared will find something better once she gets where she's supposed to be? You're name is gonna be in lights one day and I'm gonna be nothing. I'm scared that coming here in the first place was a mistake, if you want honesty. None of this was in my plan, Alexis. You, Josh, an actual stable job that can't transfer back home. It's been hard to adjust to-"

"It's been three years for you! You've been here for almost three years and you're just now realizing you may want to be here forever? God, get a grip Zayn. Who cares if it wasn't in your plan? It's happening and you need to either stay and live it out or go back home where everything is easy and it's just yourself to worry about."

There was a flash of hurt in your eyes, but only for a split second before it was replaced with anger. "You know what? Maybe you're right." You walked towards the door and reached for the lock but I stopped you before you could go any further.

"What does that mean?" I narrowed my eyes at you but you acted unfazed.

"None of this was in my plan, so maybe I should just go home."

"If you go home... that means this is over Zayn."

"I can't do this. I'm not meant for this Alexis, so I'm taking your advice and I'm going home."

The words escaped me and I couldn't find the guts to say you were wrong, because you weren't. It was all there, in the air between us, and neither one of us had it in us to stop the other, so you unlocked the door and left. You left the reception and left me standing in a brightly lit public bathroom, barely put back together enough to leave myself. Everything inside me was screaming to cry or to follow you or to apologize and say we're wrong, but my eyes felt dry and my legs felt like jello.

I knew I was right about you, but I didn't want to be. I would've given anything for Ellie to jump out and say it was a joke, that everybody was in on it, and that the last year and a half of my life wasn't wasted on some boy who walked out the first time things got hard. But there were no balloons, and no, "I was just kidding!" There was nobody waiting for me when I walked out that door, except for a few people who were waiting for the bathroom to clear and were judging me as they walked past.

I hurried to my table and found my cellphone to call you but hung up after the fourth ring because even though you weren't at work this time or with Josh on some adventure or using Ellie to plan something for me, you didn't answer when I needed you most and that in itself spoke volumes. I stood with the phone to my ear a bit longer, hoping you'd magically be on the other end, but eventually the beeps drilled a hole in my brain and I felt like I was going to throw up again.

"Ellie, I have to go. I don't feel very good," I said as I caught her on my way out.

"Are you okay? Zayn just left too and said he felt sick. Maybe you guys caught something?" Her expression was worried but I didn't want to ruin her night so I nodded my head and agreed with a, "Maybe so," and told her I'd call in the morning. I walked outside to the parking lot and searched for your car, hoping you were just running away for a moment, not forever, but I had no such luck. I called you again, but got disconnected after two rings.

Ellie was one of the lucky ones. She found her soulmate in college and married him. There was no hiding anything, there was no lying or confusion. They knew what they wanted and they went for it.

Lying in bed alone that night, only one question ran through my mind until I fell asleep in my own puddle of tears: Why couldn't we be like that?

 

 

 


	11. The Aftermath

The next day I woke up with two things- the flu, and my chest caving in that felt as if I was sinking underwater instead of in a sea of my own blankets. But then again, it could've been all the sweat from my fever. The morning was hazy, what with me floating in and out of consciousness, but around noon, I'd woken up enough to make my way to the bathroom to find medicine in my mirror cabinet.  
  
Except it was your mirror cabinet I was looking for and your NyQuil you kept stashed away because, like me, you lived off that stuff when you were sick. Except, unlike me, you were smart enough to buy more when you were healthy so you wouldn't have to leave your place when you felt like death. So I called you and when you didn't answer, I left a voicemail asking for you to swing by after work or whatever it was that you were doing that day and I moved on to my next best option.

"Ellie?"

"Alexis? Is that you?"

I tried mustering a laugh but my throat didn't like that so I swallowed instead, causing a worse type of pain and winced at how pathetic I felt. "Yeah, I'm so sick, I think I have the flu. Can you or Josh bring me some medicine, like, asap?" I held my throat and waited out her couple beats of silence.

"Alexis, we're in Spain right now..."

I gripped by throat tighter as the realization hit me. Josh and Ellie had taken their overnight flight to Europe for their honeymoon, because they'd gotten married the day before so of course they couldn't bring me anything I asked. And you didn't answer your phone before because you'd left.

You left me standing in the bathroom alone without so much as a glance back to see if I was okay, why would you want me to be okay now?

I started crying, against every fiber of my being, particularly my throat, and Ellie tried calming me down, completely unaware of the events that unfolded the night before. "It'll be okay, honey, just... Call Zayn and maybe he can bring something? Or your dad, he's in town right?" She waited through my whimpers and when nothing came of them, she continued. "I'm so sorry, I feel so bad. I would be there in a heartbeat if I could."

It was Ellie's honeymoon, the happiest moment of her life, and I was on the phone with her crying about a boy. She didn't know that part, but I felt guilty enough to not even bring it up until she was back and settled, so I thanked her and hung up the phone, falling onto the toilet cover and leaning on the bathroom counter to catch my breath. Everything felt so shallow- my lungs, my energy, my thinking, your reasons for leaving.

I collected myself enough to call you again, hoping maybe everything was just twisted in my mind from the flu. When you didn't answer, I asked your inbox when you were coming home. I waited for a response with my head on the counter, but that hope in my chest left with the first string of coughs that didn't seem to quit.

Another call, another voicemail, except this time I added an _I'm sorry_ , though I didn't know what I was apologizing for.

I waited a few minutes before I dialed your number again, mainly because my stomach was acting up and threatening to empty itself any time I opened my mouth, but I pushed through and left one more voicemail. A greater portion of the message was me trying to catch my breath, but at the end I was able to get out a single _Why?_

And on the fifth call of that morning, I was prepared to ask one more time if you could sympathize for one minute and bring me medicine, you wouldn't even have to talk to me or ask if I was going to make it, but instead, it went straight to voicemail after one ring so I knew you were ignoring the call and my message came out as a blubbering mess of me asking why over and over again.

* * *

 

I woke up on the bathroom floor to my dad wiping the hair stuck to my forehead out of my face. He was blurry, but looked like an angel nonetheless with the overhead light creating a perfect halo around his head above me.

"Hi sweetie, Ellie texted me when you didn't answer her calls earlier to check up on you. She said you sounded terrible." There was nothing left in me to fight back, so I nodded and felt him lift me from the tile to the comfort of my bed. It had dried up from earlier and the only light in my apartment was from the lamp on my nightstand. I'd wasted a whole day passed out on the floor, gripping my phone hoping for a lost cause: you.

"I'm going to make you some soup and I brought 7UP for you to sip on for the next few days, or until this passes." The corners of my dad's mouth turned up but that smile didn't meet his sad eyes. I think he could tell the sweat on my face wasn't just from my fever, but I'm thankful he never pushed into it. Instead, he did exactly what he said, and he stayed the night on my couch to take care of me until he had to be at work the next afternoon. Even then, he made sure I was thoroughly drugged before he left and I slept that whole day, trying my best to ignore the hurricane inside me and the storm outside my window.

* * *

 

_I woke to everything around me shining, even the white orchids that hung perfectly beside me, intertwining with my hair, and they seemed to be smiling down on me. I turned my head to see I was in the middle of a perfect patch of grass, lost somewhere in a forest I never before knew existed, but I knew now that it existed only for me. I looked straight above me and squinted my eyes against the sun that held itself directly in position to hang perfectly between the leaves of the oaks surrounding the edges of the clearing. I closed my eyes and looked to my side again, noticing that new buds and trees were growing, faster and faster the longer I sat in wonder. I'd surrender myself and everything I knew to that garden, if it'd keep expanding this way. I watched in amazement as the purple stems of lavender popped up from seemingly nowhere and the trees surrounding me curved their bodies as if to get a better glance of me. I felt the whole forest watching me, which was weird considering they were doing the impossible and entertaining me, not the other way around, but I felt safe in that little haven they created for me._

_I sat up, wanting to see more, and untangled the smiling orchids from my messy hair, noticing I was naked and I felt at peace for the first time in a while. Who could feel ashamed in such a beautiful garden planted just for them? I smiled to myself and it was then that I heard the dribble coming from behind the thickest pieces of the winding tree trunks. I stood to follow the noise, but as I got closer to the edge of my paradise, the trees closed in, falling to keep me away from what was on the other side._

_What could possibly be on the other side?_

_I started to run instead of heeding their warning. I ran past the falling trees, avoiding their impact, and I ran until I faced complete darkness and couldn't see my way through, but I could still hear the dribble, so I closed my eyes and followed its sound. I followed it until I came out on the other side and back into the blinding light of the sun, except now it felt a thousand times hotter because I had nothing there to protect me anymore. There was nothing but sand beneath me and a shallow creek running before me._

_"Alexis!" I turned to see a boy shaped like you standing to my right, waving me over as he hunched beside the water. "Alexis! Come here! Look at this baby bird!" He sounded like you, but as I inched forward to him, I noticed he was a blank canvas. No tattoos and no emotion behind his eyes. "I want to save him. Can we save him?" I looked down to see the bird he was pointing to, but it was clearly already gone. I winced at this boy's innocence because this boy could never pass as the Zayn I knew._

_"I think we should let it go..." I wasn't sure what to call him so I trailed off there, but that wasn't the response he was looking for. Instead of focusing on the dead bird beside him, his eyes flickered to mine and there was finally a glint of emotion, except it wasn't one I was expecting, but it was one I'd seen on your face too many times before. Anger swept across his perfectly sculpted face and his mouth curled up into a devilish grin. My heart raced as I looked around to find the darkness I'd came through but the forest I'd left behind was gone and there was nothing but sand covering all my horizons._

_He lunged towards me and grabbed my wrists before I had a chance to find another way to escape. He twisted me around so that I was flush against his naked body, my back sticking to his sweaty chest and I screamed but the noise seemed to fade as soon as it escaped my mouth._

_"Tell me you love me," he whispered in my ear. My mouth felt too dry and my skin felt like it was suffocating me, pulling tighter as his hands twisted my arms to pull me closer to him. "Tell me you love me," he repeated._

_"I don't know you," I managed to breathe out, tears starting to form in the corners of my eyes._

_"Tell me you love me," he repeated again but I shook my head no, not wanting to give in to this stranger. He put his lips to my neck and made his way to my jaw, leaving wet marks in his place and I stood still, not knowing what else to do but let the tears overflow down my cheeks. He turned me so I was facing him then, and his eyes were back to a soft caramel, mimicking yours perfectly, and his skin was now inked, marked exactly like yours. He looked at me and gave such a sad nod that I almost thought he was you and I almost gave in, ready to whisper my "I love you," but he shoved me away within the next instant, and with nothing surrounding us to break my fall, I landed in the creek._

_I landed in the rushing water and there was nothing to stop me from being carried away, not even you._

_"Zayn! Help me!" My head started to bob in and out of the water but the water never gave in, even when I was gasping your name. "Zayn! Save me!"_

_I caught your eyes one last time and I saw your lips purse before you yelled back to me, "I think we should let it go."_

Gasping for air, I flung my body forward and reached for the sheets beside me. The air in my room felt too thick and the phlegm in my body made it harder to catch my breath.

_It was just a dream,_ I repeated in my head until I finally started to believe it.

You were coming back and you were coming back to me, even if i had to wait forever.

There was no way that dream could ever be right.

* * *

 

"Zayn, don't you think you're being a bit childish? Look, I'm sorry you feel inadequate and I'm sorry you felt like you never got it quite right here, but I do. I think you're just scared." I stopped in my tracks, taken back the the sharpness in my own voice and remembered you'd already admitted you were scared. I didn't need to repeat it back to you. "I know you're scared babe, but so is everyone else. We're in college, everyone's scared deep down inside. Just please, come home..." I hung up to avoid crying again on your answering machine and it took every ounce of me to not keep calling you. I fell asleep again with my phone attached to my hand, hoping you'd prove my dream wrong and that you'd come back for me.

All I wanted was for you to come back for me.

* * *

 

"Miss Jenson, I'd like to see you in my office." Ian's eyes crinkled from behind his monitor and though I couldn't see his mouth, I could tell he was smiling. I stood from my usual chair across the waiting room and made my way to the one beside him so I was facing whatever it was he wanted me to see today. It'd been a few days since I was bed ridden so I wanted to try out going back into the real world, just to see if I could make it without throwing up in a random garbage can downtown. That was my only goal for the day.   
  
When I was in view of Ian's monitor, he turned the screen and prefaced his unveiling with, "Have you ever seen Fight Club?" I looked at him a moment, still sort of drowsy from the medicine I was taking for my lingering symptoms, and shook my head no. You would've thought I'd killed a kitten in front of him, the way his face contorted into a horrified muted scream. "Okay, then maybe you won't think these are funny then." He turned his screen back to me and there were pictures of men talking about the rules of Fight Club and something about secrets never leaving and fighting. I'm still not sure what they were, but I trust that they were funny if Ian said so, so I nodded and smiled as he tried to explain the humor, which of course kills any humor that exists, but I didn't want to stand in the way of his good mood that day so I let him ramble.

Then again, Ian was always in a good mood so I'm sure nothing I could've done would've stopped that.

"Alexis, dear, I'm ready for you!" Mr. Davidson came around his door and waved me into his office. I stood from the chair beside Ian and followed Mark into his office, sitting in the only other chair across from him and watched as he paced the room, like usual. At first the pacing made me nervous, but after I'd noticed it was just him and a part of his personality to never sit still unless required, it put me at ease to watch him walk back and forth in front of the windows behind him that overlooked most of Minneapolis. His whole office, him included, felt like a dream every time I was invited in.

"Okay, Miss Jenson," I knew he meant serious business when he called me by my last name so I immediately straightened my back, against everything in me that was asking to slouch or just fall on the floor to nap. "Those designs... Urban Outfitters loved them." He paused to flash me his million dollar smile and I could tell it was filled with pride. "So they're going to be released as part of their summer dress line this year. Next week it'll be April, but spring is going to fly by, I promise, and in these next few months, we're going to be super busy trying to get your name out and letting the fashion world put a face to the creator of those wonderful slips." He stopped pacing and stood directly in front of me. "Are you in?"

I forced myself to stand so I could hug him, tighter than what was probably appropriate from the outside, but on the inside, he was a gift and I had no other way to thank him enough. When I pulled away, I felt the water coming up and immediately started dabbing my eyes to try and stop the tears before they came. Mr. Davidson went around to the other side of his desk and opened his laptop to the schedule he had in mind for me, but when he looked me in the eyes, he could tell something was off.

"Alexis? Are those happy tears or sad tears?" The worry in his voice caused the water the overflow and I felt myself turning red.

"I'm just... Getting over the flu." And you leaving.

"Aw, well here's some tissues, and if you need anything, I'm pretty sure Ian's got a cabinet full of meds. The kid's a germaphobe." His smile was infectious and I mirrored him the best I could to show I was going to be fine.

Everything would be fine eventually. You'd come back eventually.

The rest of our office hours were spent going over where I should be during the next few months and there was one exciting date that had me forgetting about the present, even if it was just for a second. "May 28th, the company is having their summer line unveiling at their biggest store to date in Manhattan. Do you think you could swing by?" As if I'd have anything more important than going to New York to show off something I'd created in my own brain.

"Of course! A million times yes!" I eagerly jumped from my seat and leaned on the edge of his desk to see the details with him.

"I thought you'd say that," he smirked and turned to face me. "You can fly with me there the 27th. Well, actually to Philly because that's where their headquarters is, and we'll meet with the others who have helped put everything together, as well as other designers. We'll head up, probably on a train in to New York. I hope your head won't be too big to fit inside those little train cars." He was joking of course, but it did seem a little less extravagant than I was expecting. But then again, Mr. Davidson was never extravagant where I'd expected it before. Sure, he dressed in printed sheer shirts and suits and wore gold with almost everything, but his office was simple, his one and only assistant was a simple boy learning the trade, and his home, which I'd been invited to once for dinner with my dad was also very... Simple. He lived with his boyfriend, whom I'd never realize existed until he opened the door into their single bedroom apartment and welcomed me with the warmest brown eyes I'd ever seen. Their kitchen overlooked the Minneapolis skyline from outside the city, but that was the most extravagant part, so I don't know why I expected a private jet and balloons going from one city to another when they're only two hours apart.

"I promise not to let my ego get to big," I giggled in my seat. "Though if it does, you were the one who built it." I stuck my tongue out at him and he shook his head, going on to explain more of that was to come.

An hour later, I left his office floating, and I swear nothing was going to bring me down that day. I was 20 years old with a break most people would kill for and I had a mentor who looked out for me every step of the way. I trusted Mr. Davidson with my life, and that's what it felt like. It honestly felt like I was putting my life on the line. If I did well in new York for those few days, then maybe the rest of my life would be just as fantastic. I stepped into the elevator and brought my head back down from the clouds and back to Minneapolis with me as I pushed the button to the first floor and watched as the doors closed, smiling to myself. As soon as they closed though, they were opening again and I looked up to see Ian on the other side.

"Sorry, I just overheard you say to Mark that you weren't feeling too hot, so I searched through my cabinet of meds," He air quoted the last part and gave a shy smile, "to find you some DayQuil. I take the NyQuil religiously when I'm sick but I imagine since it's only 1pm, you don't want to sleep just yet." The doors started to close on him and I couldn't help the giggle that escaped as he stuck his arm back out to stop them. "Anyway, here you go." He handed over the package and nodded before turning away and heading back to his kingdom in Mr. Davidson's tiny waiting room.

If you were there, you would've made a remark about how I've got him wrapped around my finger. But you weren't there, and that feeling hit me in that elevator so hard, it felt like I was waking up with the flu all over again.

* * *

 

"Zayn, I... I just want you to come home to me... And I want, I need you right now. I have so much to tell you and so much to show you, and I feel like I'm missing a part of my day when I go to bed without hearing about yours. I just... Please. Please don't-" The beep cut off my message. "Do this."

I was used to being cut short after spending every night leaving too long of messages for you to never hear, but that didn't mean it got easier.

* * *

 

A week after Ellie and Josh's wedding, they flew back into my life and I was never happier to see them, even if the them I saw was a slightly redder version. "What? No sunscreen in Barcelona?" I teased as I kissed Ellie on the cheek and hugged Josh at the terminal baggage claim.

"Ha, ha, ha." Ellie said with a straight face, but Josh laughed enough for the both of them while we wheeled their luggage to the garage where I'd parked my car. "The sun there was unbelievable, like it felt like it never set. And the people there, oh my god, they were the nicest people, especially when I tripped over my Spanish, because you heard me trying to practice beforehand. It has definitely went downhill since high school... Thank god Josh knew enough to get us by."

Josh chimed in to show off exactly what Ellie was talking about with, "Espanol es facil, es solo dificil cuando estan hablando mucho mucho rapido y tengo que preguntarles que todo el tiempo."

"Okay, King of Everything, we know you're smart." Ellie rolled her eyes but then smiled at me with a look in her eyes that said, _Look at this catch I get to spend the rest of my life with_. Even if her look added, _he's such a dork_ , to the end of it, I was still jealous of how pure their love was. My stomach did flips just imagining how they felt and I started feeling all gooey inside, so I asked for every detail of their trip.

In the car, they told me about the newlyweds they met in their hotel the first night and about Ellie's drunken night on their dinner cruise, how she sang Livin' La Vida Loca on the mini stage on deck and almost fell overboard, causing the boat to dock early so they could be escorted off. Josh gushed about some tv star from his high school days who shared their second resort with them and how he got a picture with him, calling him his hero even though I'd never once heard Josh speak of a Joel McHale before. The picture was interesting, considering Josh was burnt so badly he just had to stand awkwardly next to the guy who wouldn't even get out of his chair for the photo op. Ellie laughed so hard retelling the story that Gatorade came through her nose and I laughed along, even though most of their stories you had to be there to fully enjoy. I did appreciate their in depth descriptions of all their Spanish food and the views they got to experience, and I daydreamed along the rest of the car ride home.

"Did you guys have fun overall?" I asked once all their belongings were hauled back into their tiny apartment.

"We did, but it's funny, we both said at one point that something felt missing." Ellie smiled to me from behind the kitchen island and Josh continued her thought. "We wished you and Zayn were there." They were lucky I wasn't holding anything important or it would've dropped like my stomach as soon as he said your name. "And we hoped you'd be better by the time we got back so the four of us could go to dinner. I called Zayn at our layover in Canada to tell him to be ready when we got in but he didn't answer and still hasn't replied to my texts." Josh's puzzled face checked his phone one more time then held it up. He shook his head to say there was still nothing from you.

"Yeah..." I started but didn't know how to finish. "I'm not sure the four of us can really be a thing right now..."

"What do you mean?" Ellie looked up from the snack she was putting away from her flight and both of them stared at me with such intensity, I willed myself to either be sucked into the floor or combust on the spot so I wouldn't have to tell them what happened.

But reality didn't get the memo and all I was left with was awkward silence while they awaited my explanation. "I... Um." I swallowed back the all too familiar feel of tears and gave the simplest response I could. "He left."

"What do you mean he left?" Ellie's eyes softened and I wished she would stop looking at me like I was a puppy that had just gotten kicked.

"I mean, he left and hasn't returned my calls or texts or hasn't came by to see me."

"Since when?" Josh asked while checking his messages to see the last time Zayn responded to him.

"Your wedding..."

"He said he was feeling sick, but is that why you guys left early that night?" Ellie moved to the living room and sat on the arm of Josh's chair, probably knowing if she sat too close to me, I'd start crying.

"Yeah..."

"He hasn't texted me back since that day either. I should've known something was off, hun. Alexis was talking to us nonstop but Zayn's line was just dry." Josh looked up to Ellie and searched her eyes, probably wondering how in depth they were going to take this conversation. That was Ellie's cue to ask, "Do you want to talk about it?" And it was in that moment, I realized just how much I missed them.

"Can we have a movie night instead and maybe later, when I'm half asleep and don't care how much I'm oversharing, I'll tell you guys?"

Ellie chuckled under her breath and said of course, moving to the cabinet beside their tv to start picking out a Disney movie knowing that would cheer me up. She popped in Tangled and came back to sit beside me, kissing my cheek and pulling me into her side while Josh sat on her other side, pulling the blanket off the back of the couch to cover the three of us up.

I tried holding myself together the week following your leaving, but laying across Ellie and being held the way you used to hold me, it made every crack in my heart I'd sealed come unglued and I cried into her tshirt for a majority of the show. I cried until everything was dry and until there was no more left in me.

The three of us fell asleep that night on the couch and for the first time in seven days, I felt at home and slightly at peace with my life again, because if you were gone, at least I still had someone to hold onto.   


* * *

 

"Zayn, I..." I paused and looked around the dark alleyway outside of Ellie and Josh's apartment complex. "I think this is the last message I'll leave. I know you're probably relieved to hear that, but I hope you know what you're giving up... I hope you realize what you're letting go of. I loved you, with everything in me. I still do, and I hope-" That same damn beep cut me off, but looking back, it was probably a good thing. I think I almost told you I always would, which you didn't need to know if you didn't really care.

I walked back into their apartment and saw the same time on the alarm clock- 2am. That seemed to be the only time I had the courage to talk to you anymore.

* * *

 

Monday rolled around and as much as I'd like to deny the thought, the world doesn't wait for anyone. Even the broken hearted. I showered at Ellie's and wiped the mirror afterwards, clearing the fog and took a good long, hard look at myself. Eight of the hardest days were behind me, but I was still breathing so I took a deep breath and realized that morning, the flu was no longer a part of me either. I smiled in the mirror and breathed again, this time slower to soak in the uninhibited air that circulated through me. I felt brand new, both physically and mentally and I was ready to take on the new week.

You couldn't stop me. The flu couldn't stop me. Literally nothing could stop me that morning. I was flying to New York in two months, was there really any way I could've felt besides unbreakable?


	12. You Are My Sunshine

I lied.

Sometimes memories get distorted or you remember them differently because you like to have had them happen differently, but you never get far with a lie. One little white lie can start to unravel, and I don't want that to happen to me, because I've spent enough time unraveling.

The night of my last voicemail to you- that wasn't my last. And that morning I looked in the mirror to find a brand new me, one that was confident and unstoppable? Well, those were both lies too.

That first week I was alone. I didn't have Ellie, I didn't have Josh, and I didn't have you. All I had for company was the sickness stirring inside me and my dad on the off-chance he could leave from work early. The week after that, I stayed at Ellie's and avoided the topic of you for as long as possible, but it was still obvious you were the only thing on my mind. It was given away by the grease in my hair and the stain on my clothes, but more importantly, it was shown through the blank sheets of paper sitting in the notebook I'd labeled "New York" after I'd gotten the best news of my life. In my mind I knew the opportunity was great, and I knew that I should've been ecstatic, elated even, with my life but as soon as I left the office and made my way uptown back to my apartment, I was faced with the cold reality of loneliness again. Spending the night with my face against a wet pillow helped me make the decision to stay with Ellie until I was okay. And lying to myself that I would never send you another voicemail or telling myself I was unbreakable, those were also devices I set up to help myself until I was okay.

 

* * *

 

 

Three weeks passed and I still hadn't told anybody, but I'm sure they knew. Another Monday morning rolled around and as I showered, unable to feel anything, especially the sting of cold water that pelted my back and circled around the drain, I managed to feel the dizziness inside my head, wondering if my life was following the patterns of my shower stream. I hadn't received any calls, texts, letters, smoke signals, nothing to prove you were even still alive, and even though the silence cut me in half, I stared at the wall trying to piece together how I could ever gain control of myself again. When I got out, I put on my makeup for the first time since you'd gone, which seems microscopic, but for me it was a breath of fresh air.

One tiny puzzle piece of myself back in place.

I went to my classes and spaced out in my notebook, doodling lines in the corners and when my first one was over, a girl stopped me in the hallway to tell me how good my liner looked that day. In those few moments, I felt like maybe I was passing as human again.

I went to the office later that day and shared a few genuine laughs with Ian, but he was the easy part of my day. Him and I sitting side by side in matching rolling chairs was the easiest part of my week, I think. The hard part was walking in and seeing Mr. Davidson's smiling face drop when I handed him the empty notebook I carried under my arm.

"These sketches have a deadline." His voice was different, it held a hardness to it I'd never heard before and it made eye contact with him impossible. I felt my face turn red and my knees caving in but all I could see were the pieces of maroon, black and tan fiber mixing together to form the carpet beneath me. "Alexis... I need you to come through for me. These companies trust me and my judgement of who can handle these projects. I know you can, but I need you to know that too, do you understand?" I nodded slowly, acutely aware of just how heavy my shirt felt on my back, making it harder to breathe. I turned away from him and walked through the door, ignoring Ian on my way to the elevator, and debated never going back. I may have regained one puzzle piece of myself, but what's getting dressed in the grand scheme of things? It was nothing special- I was nothing special, and I was starting to feel like I'd never see the whole picture again.

I think the thing I missed most about you was how you pulled me out of my overthinking and how you pulled me back from my problems enough for me to realize things were never as big as they seemed. You had a vision of the world I was jealous of and sometimes you'd share enough for me to catch a glimpse of what you saw. You were my eyes and without you, I couldn't see. I gave in again, dialing your number on the sidewalk as I made my way back home.

"Paint me the city... I need- I need you." I knew you wouldn't understand me or what I was asking for, but I needed to hear you say something. I needed your voice, even if it was asking to leave a name and number to get back to, although I knew none of those words applied to me.

That night, I spent dinner with Ellie and Josh and listened more than anything. I listened to their exchanges about their day and how Ellie's finals were going to kick her butt and how Josh's parents were coming to visit soon so they'd have to clean up a little bit that weekend. Neither of them mentioned you, and I was curious if you'd cut them off and burned the edges like you had with me or if the three of you were still good friends, leaving me on the outside while you picked up your life and continued it like I'd never happened. If that were the case, then Ellie and Josh were excellent actors and were more careful than me at hiding their relationship with you. I wore my loss on my sleeve, but never spoke about it, and maybe the three of us shared that about you now.

The next day, I skipped my appointment with Mr. Davidson and spent my afternoon at a local art exhibit that was only in town for a few days. In the back of my mind I knew Mr. Davidson was probably the mastermind behind it, but I pushed him back and let myself enjoy the pictures from an art enthusiast point of view, not as someone behind the scenes.

I was looking at a set of four paintings, each one supposed to be of moments right after the other of a girl sitting in a boat, being rowed by her lover and in the final frame, they were kissing. It had a Monet feeling to it, with the blurry brush strokes of blues and purples, her dress a contrasting white in the foreground to break up the dark of their night. It reminded me a lot of The Little Mermaid and I smiled to myself, feeling the innocence she must've been feeling in that kiss.

"You like this one?" A familiar voice behind me startled me out of my haze and I looked up to see oceans falling back on me. I felt my cheeks burn because I'd been caught, but Ian just smiled at me which made me feel a little less guilty. He turned to the paintings and we stared at them together for another moment before he asked me what I was doing there.

"I should ask you the same thing. Shouldn't you be assisting at the office?" I kept my eyes on the canvas in front of us.

"You're his only appointment on Tuesdays and when you didn't show, he let me go."

"You only sit in that chair when I'm there?" I turned to him and he was still looking straight ahead.

"No, I only sit in that chair when he's got appointments booked." He turned to me then, "He's got more than one client, ma'am." He cracked a smile and I followed, looking back at the fourth frame and wanting so badly to be her in that moment. Even when I tried not to and even when I was surrounded by other people, I still missed you.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." Ian moved in a little closer to me and I felt his body heat next to mine, making my heartbeat quicken a little.

"Do you think a love like this is realistic? One where you can be perfectly content on a boat with nobody around but the person you're with and things feel so right that you have to end it with a kiss?"

"It's such a simple situation, Alexis, of course I believe it can exist." He looked down at me and I instantly regretted asking him that question because the look in his eyes felt like he was feeling what the pictures were painting and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle breaking his heart the way you'd broken mine so I turned away and walked to the next set, focusing on anything but Ian beside me.

We spent the rest of our time at the exhibit admiring the intricacies of each piece until the final one, when he stopped in front of me and asked something I wasn't expecting at all.

"Are you okay?"

It was such a simple question, but I had no easy answer. I nodded instead, opting for the easy way out and although I felt his eyes burning through my shield, he never pushed. I was forever thankful for him being the sunshine I needed throughout the week and for how he always knew when to pry and when to keep to himself. I realized in that moment how important he was to my sanity, even if it was only business most of the time, and something inside me leaned forward to reach for him. I wrapped my arms around his body so tight, I should've been scared of suffocating him I'm sure, but if it hurt, he never showed. He just held me back and I heard nothing in the world around us but his heartbeat in his chest, thumping louder and faster than my racing thoughts that usually bombarded me every moment of every day.

"Thank you," I said into his button-up and he patted my back, pulling away before I was ready.

"I'm always here for you, Miss Jenson." He flashed his award winning smile and pointed to the entrance where the artist stood at a table filled with papers and brochures. "I think I should get going, I need to write about this exhibit before I forget any details."

"Okay." I couldn't think of anything else to say so I turned to leave but he grabbed my arm to stop me first.

"Just, don't skip anymore appointments please. I mean, it was nice to play hookie for a day and get out of the office, but I'd rather see you there than avoiding whatever it is you're avoiding."

He let go and I turned again to leave, feeling myself on the verge of tears once more. It felt like a bad habit now, crying all over town, and I hated it. I hated it more than I hated you and I hated it more than the fact that I still loved you. I stopped before reaching the door and turned back to the four sequence painting, wiping the tears that had escaped and promising myself I'd find a way back to the innocence in the last frame. I'd find it even if it killed me.

 

* * *

 

 

The next week marked the end of April and that meant Josh was in full panic mode trying to think of something special for Ellie's 21st birthday. "I'm thinking a surprise party," he said to me from across their dining room table one morning while she was in class and neither of us had anywhere to be. "She's told me she's never had one and I wanna do it, just have a little gathering here since most of our friends won't be able to drink yet, including you," he leaned over to poke my cheek and I gave my best kindergarten smile, making him laugh. "So will you help me plan it?" He poured cereal into his bowl and pointed it towards me, asking if I wanted some but I shook my head.

"I'll help you but these things are so stressful, man. They make you realize how many friends you have and sometimes that's just depressing." Josh laughed again but this time he was the one shaking his head.

"Ellie's got lots of friends, you're just her favorite so you're all I really get to see." I stuck out my tongue and stole his bowl from him, sliding it in front of me and scooping the Cinnamon Toast Crunch into my mouth before he could stop me. "Hey! You literally just told me no!"

I muffled through my mouth full, "I changed my mind," and he stood to get a second bowl. "So who's on your invite list?" I asked once I'd swallowed my revenge.

"I was thinking a few girls from her classes and from work? I figured I'd look on her Facebook and make an event on there with people I've heard her talk about. And I'm gonna invite a few of my friends she likes and we can make this into like, a real party." Half of me wondered if you'd show up or if they'd even invite you, but I was too scared to ask. Then again, I'd rather know sooner than later what I was getting myself into that night, but just as I was opening my mouth to ask, Josh cut me off. "You can bring people too, if you want. Like that kid from the office you talk about?"

I didn't think I talked about Ian that often, but I did tell Josh and Ellie everything so it didn't really surprise me. What did surprise me was his suggestion to bring a boy, making it sound like I needed a date to this thing. "What if I just came alone?"

"I mean, you can. I just thought you'd have more fun with people you knew besides us since you haven't met anyone." He sat back down across from me and he must've seen the second of panic on my face at the thought of bringing someone besides you. "Just bring him and use him as a crutch. I'm using my friends, you can use yours, we'll all be drunk, it'll be great." He smiled and poured his second bowl of cereal that morning.

"I just don't want anybody getting the impression that-" I stopped because I didn't know where to go with it.

"Nobody's gonna think you're together unless you guys make out on the couch. And if that happens, I won't tell you in the morning." He winked and took a bite, pleased with himself and I wondered if he knew.

 

* * *

 

 

A few days later, I was in line at the coffee shop in the outskirts of town, waiting to order the cheapest thing on the menu since Ellie had planned a last minute study date and I was running short on cash from ditching work when I was sick. I had just finished my last bits of homework before the weekend but I agreed anyway because I needed to get out or else I'd go crazy. I gave the barista the change left in the bottom of my purse, waited on the other side of the counter for my drink, and was about to take a seat when my phone rang and I saw Ellie's face pop up on my screen. It was a picture I'd taken of a print I found on her fridge from when she was seven and her class had just hatched chickens so she was holding two and smiling into the camera. It was the cutest thing imaginable so every time she called, I got the biggest grin on my face and couldn't help the giggle that escaped every single time I said hello.

"You really need to change my contact picture..." She said amidst my giggle fit.

"Yeah, yeah, what do you need?" I asked between breaths. "I don't have enough to order yours to be ready when you get here."

"That's fine, I'm just... I may not make it?"

"You sound so unsure?" I took a sip of my coffee and immediately pursed my lips at the bitterness. I hadn't put sugar or cream in it yet.

"Yeah... I don't know, Josh wants me to be here to help clean before his parents get here tomorrow but I really really don't want to, that's why I asked you to meet me somewhere."

"Well, you could've picked a closer shop if you knew you were gonna have to cancel."

"I know, I know. I'm so sorry, just please don't be mad. I'm gonna try to escape but I have no guarantees. Oh- gotta go. Bye!" She hung up before I could exaggerate my sigh for her, so I chose a seat by the window and sighed alone.

_"He caught me in the bathroom hiding from him HELP"_ She texted me immediately after and I laughed into my coffee while I dumped loads of sugar in. I then pulled my New York sketchbook from my bag and set it on the table, picking up my pen but fumbling with it instead of putting it to use against the paper.

"Seriously?" A voice behind me rang loud enough to interrupt my thoughts and I jumped at the sight of him standing over me, putting my pen down so he wouldn't ask how far I'd gotten. I couldn't let anyone else see the blank pages beyond the cover. "We gotta stop meeting like this. The gallery, the coffee shops, it's almost like-"

I smiled up at Ian and interjected his assumptions, maybe a bit too quickly. "It's like we both like art and coffee. Like 90% of the kids here in Minneapolis."

"I guess you're right... Can I?" He pointed his iced coffee at the chair across from me and I shook my head no even though the grin on my face said the opposite. "Why are you all the way out here? There are so many Starbucks' in town I'm sure that are closer."

"Ellie- my friend- she asked me to meet her out here, but now she's saying she may not come." I rolled my eyes and that earned a laugh from Ian. The noise of it made my pulse quicken and I rolled my eyes again, except at myself for being affected by him at all. "What about you? I kinda feel like you're stalking me lately." I looked over my cup at him as I took a sip and slurped it for dramatic effect.

"Nah," he let out a tiny laugh and with one finger, pushed down on the rim on my cup so I'd stop slurping at him. "I actually live out here so I'm in here all the time. My apartment's only like two blocks from here, and I just officially finished decorating it after living there since January." He gave a smug look and with the upturn of his lips and the sunlight in his eyes, I felt like I was the one being blinded. This kid was literally the sun and I nearly choked on my coffee when the realization hit me: Ian was incredibly gorgeous and so so nice to the point where it hurt sometimes to see him giving so much. I started coughing and he quickly pushed his iced coffee to me so I'd have something to clear my throat instead of trying to suck down mine without burning my tongue. "You okay there champ? Your coffee's not going anywhere, you could probably slow it down a little." He put his hand on my wrist and I felt the heat between us- mine from embarrassment and his from his naturally warm heart I'm sure. There could be no other reason.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. It just went down the wrong pipe." I grabbed a napkin from the center of the table and wiped my face, then realized I'd gotten splattered in the midst of coughing up my lungs. "Oh, this is just fantastic," I mumbled to myself as I splotched my white tshirt with the napkin, hoping to save it from turning too brown.

"Do you need help? Like, I don't know," he grabbed another napkin and held it out to me. "I'm not sure how exactly without also blotting it but I'm sure Zayn wouldn't like it that much." He was looking down at the stains when my head shot up to look at him and for a moment there, I wasn't sure I'd heard him right. "I mean, not that I want to... Or that I'd be trying to touch you in any way but you're missing so much of it and..." I saw his face turn the color of Mr. Davidson's office carpet and if I wasn't so wrapped up in the thought of hearing your name for the first time in a month, I maybe would've found him endearing. I maybe would've told him he was perfectly fine, or I might've matched his skin and turned red myself, but I didn't and I couldn't do anything but stare. He looked up and he met the fear in my eyes, causing his to turn soft and his hand went back into his lap after dropping the napkins in front of me on the table. "I'm sorry, I'll just stop. I don't know what I'm rambling about. You look fine, the stains aren't even that noticeable." He looked around the room then out the window to avoid me and I couldn't help but blurt out that you'd left. Everything felt like it was whizzing past us- the baristas behind the counter and the other customers walking past. It felt like everything was in fast motion and we were stuck in the same moment only seconds behind. And I swear I felt the breeze from outside on my arms, because why else would the hairs stand straight up? And why else would I feel the shiver in my spine when he looked back at me with so many questions in his eyes?

"He's gone, Ian, and I haven't heard from him in weeks and we had a fight but I didn't think it was bad enough for him to actually leave. I don't even know if he's still on campus or still in Minnesota or even still alive for that matter. I just know that I miss him everyday and everything reminds me of him except..." It was my turn to look out the window now. "I don't know." I lowered my voice, embarrassed of my outburst and embarrassed of the confession I felt hanging on my lips. "I don't know what's going on, but sometimes when I'm sad and I see you, you just have this thing about you..."

"A thing?" He leaned over his half drank coffee, mostly because of me, and held his hands around it as if to brace himself from whatever was bound to come out of my mouth.

"Yes, a thing. And it's a thing I can't explain, but it makes me not so sad for a few minutes and I-" I stopped to look at him with the little bit of confidence I had in me. "I want you to know I appreciate you and I don't want you to ever leave."

He slid his cup in a small circle between his hands on the table and watched the ice slosh around inside for a few moments before looking back up at me and smiling the same crooked grin he gave when he had something new or gross or exciting to show me at the office. "I think you like me." He stopped moving his cup and brought his hands up to his face to rest his chin on them.   
  
"Ian." I started but I didn't know how to finish so I picked up a wadded napkin and threw it at him, hitting his eyebrow and making him flinch, but he never moved his hands and instead, he just continued to smile at me as if he knew things I didn't. "Stop staring at me like that!" I threw another napkin at him and this time he caught it and just rolled it back to me.

"How about you sleep on this and let me know on Monday if you wanna pretend we never had this conversation." He was still smiling but his eyes never changed from the soft pity of when I said you were gone.

"Is that what you want?"

"Absolutely not, but I don't want you to feel like you need to avoid me if you regret confessing your love later on." I wanted to get mad and I wanted to tell him he doesn't know me well enough to know what I wanted, but he was right and we both knew it. "For the record, I like you too, Alexis." I rolled my eyes again for the millionth time that day and he laughed, making me laugh too, only mine was smaller and more unsure if that was the right reaction. He stood from his seat and grabbed his coffee before he came around to my side and bent down to wrap his empty arm around my neck in an awkward attempt of a hug. "This means you can't skip out on Monday. Mark and now I will be expecting you." He whispered in my ear and then disappeared out the door, leaving me in my chair to absorb what had just happened.

Smiling to myself, I bit my lip and picked up the pen I laid down on the pad earlier. Opening the book to the first empty page, I hesitantly drew the first line of a torso. I followed up with long arm sleeves and a faceless figure inside it. I filled in the shirt and came back to the hair, giving my model a quick windswept 'do with bangs that quiffed in the front. It was a boy in a button down, the same pattern I'd seen Ian wear a thousand times before and it shared his same figure and hair. Looking around to see if anyone was watching me, my eyes landed on the clock above the counter and I saw it was 7pm. I hurried up and took the last sip of my now cold coffee and shoved my drawing utensils into my bag so I could make it home before dark.

I got back to my place and fell into my bed, still smiling at the ceiling, and I contemplated if what he'd said was real or if it was just a side effect of missing you. I decided against the latter and cursed myself for bringing you into the equation, "But this is how it is, Alexis," I mumbled to myself and blew my bangs out of my eyes. "You're so hopelessly in love, I don't think you can be helped."

Whether my voice was talking about you or Ian, I couldn't decide, so I showered instead and thought about neither of you. I pictured Ellie dancing drunkenly to Britney Spears, which was inevitable for the coming weekend and I laughed at how weird life could be sometimes. How could a person be so sad but also so happy at the same time, and why did that messed up of a person have to be me?

 

* * *

 

 

Monday morning, Josh and I had breakfast at Mickey's, a diner car barely big enough to fit five tables in, but quaint nonetheless, and we discussed Ellie's surprise party. "I've got the invites out for it and at least nine have said they're coming, plus they're bringing their boyfriends." He poured syrup over his stack of pancakes and I could see the panic behind his glossy eyes. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. "That means I'll have 18 people I need to entertain and buy beer for and make sure nobody crushes anything in our apartment." He looked up from his plate to me. "Our tiny one bedroom apartment. Eighteen people, Alexis." He held the syrup above his pancakes, the nozzle still open and pouring, but it was like he was frozen in the thought of having a party- one he came up with all by himself. I grabbed the syrup from his hand and pushed his fist down on to the table and took a deep breath to remind him to do the same.

"Listen, people always say they're gonna come and then half of them bail. It's common party knowledge to set the bar low, from both your end and theirs. I'm sure everyone's not expecting some huge blowout deal with a photobooth and streamers and a pinata, ya know? It's her 21st, I'm sure they're just expecting booze and cake."

"Streamers! That's what I forgot!" He whipped out his phone and opened his notes app to add streamers to an already long list of party details. "Thank you so much! And what else did you say? A pinata?" He started to type it but I grabbed his phone from him instead.

"Stop it, Josh! There's probably gonna be ten people there, tops. And that's including me, you, and Ellie."

"And your boy." He grabbed his phone back from me and stuck it back in his pocket.

"I don't have a boy." I stabbed my own stack of french toast with my fork and the words stung a little after they left my mouth. I don't have a boy. Josh caught on to the sudden change in the air and his rigid body transformed back into the relaxed and casual Josh I knew.

"You're right, I have nothing to worry about. People just wanna see her." He cut a piece of his pancake with his fork and stuffed it in his mouth.

"Exactly. And you, ya know. You're such a charming guy, everyone will trip over themselves trying to get to you too." I winked at him and he laughed too loudly for such a small diner.

"You know, you've always been my favorite of Ellie's friends." He pointed at me with his fork as he spoke. "You tell it like it is." I reached across the table and cut off a piece of his pancake for myself and shoveled it in my mouth before he could stop me, laughing as he tried to reach back across towards me to smack the utensil from my hand. I swallowed hard so he could see I'd won and he sat back in his booth, crossing his arms. "I take it back. You're literally the worst." He pretended to pout and I snuck one more piece off his plate while he went back to planning the party on his phone.

The waitress came by shortly after we finished and Josh paid for us both, much to my dismay. I think Ellie told him I was low on money though so I didn't complain and he didn't say much else about it. I hugged him once we got outside and we said our goodbyes, leading us to go our separate ways until later in the day when we'd go shopping for the party after he got out of class. Until then, I was left to my own morning math class, then to Mr. Davidson's to apologize for skipping last week.

I pulled up to the familiar building and rode the same elevator I'd rode so many times before, but this time felt different and I hated admitting to myself why. So I blamed the butterflies in my stomach and the nerves rattling my brain on the idea that soon I was going to show Mark my first sketches. I was anxious to see him and I just wanted to make him happy.

I walked into the waiting room and sat in the chair I used to sit in across from the desk and out of the way. I crossed my legs and listened to Ian's voice on the phone while he spoke to a client about open availability to see Mr. Davidson. He sounded so professional and so knowledgeable, like he'd been answering phone and booking appointments his whole life. Granted, it wasn't a hard job, but he still did it with such ease, I almost wanted to squeeze him in his chair and tell him what a great job he's doing. I smiled to myself as I pictured me doing just that, then he called my name and my head snapped up to face him.

"Why are you all the way across the room?" He was talking to me now and it was such a different voice than the one I'd just heard. He sounded more genuine, like a real life person and not some office aide on the other end of the phone. I shrugged and he motioned for me to come around beside him. "I need to show you this video and I need you to tell me aliens are real." He started clicking around on his desktop and I pulled up my usual rolling chair beside him.

In a monotone voice, I said to him, "yes, Ian, because everything you see on youtube is real."

"No, seriously! It's from Iowa and it's this guy, his cows keep going missing and one night he saw flashes outside so he put cameras in the barn. You gotta see it, it's like one minute these cows are sleeping in their little... Dens? Is that what it's called? I don't know but the next minute they're gone and the experts say the videos have been altered in no way. So it's completely real." He grabbed the arm of my chair and rolled me closer so I could see the screen. I quirked an eyebrow at him and he gave me a look of determination, testing to see if I'd break contact first. "Go on, Alexis, press play."

I continued to stare at him and told him I'd press play when I was ready.

A few seconds passed and neither of us would look away, until my gaze fell for the slightest second to his lips but I caught myself and found his eyes again, only he caught on too and he raised his hand to poke me on the nose. "You blinked first, so you gotta watch it."

He and I both knew it wasn't a blink, but I did what he asked and watch his fake clip of aliens, laughing when it was very clearly chopped and edited, but I agreed with him in the end just to make him happy.

"I guess you're right. Aliens exist." I rolled away back to the side of his desk but he caught my arm before I got too far and pulled me back.

"I'm right about a lot of things, ya know." He looked down at his hand on mine and back to my face. "You should really listen to me more often." I looked past him to his computer because I couldn't stand the feeling of knowing he was right and I knew he wasn't just talking about aliens anymore. He wasn't talking about male seahorses having babies or paintings that looked similar to Monet either. He was talking about us and the underlying tension neither one of us wanted to address out loud first.

"Okay kids, let's break it up and keep it professional out here. I don't want to have to report you two, although telling people I'm the reason you crazy kids met and had babies would be pretty awesome." Mr. Davidson came out from his office and was standing behind me in his doorway. Ian dropped my hand and managed out enough breath to repeat the word babies in such a frazzled tone, Mr. Davidson's laugh could be heard from down the street I'm sure. "I'm kidding, now come on Miss Jenson. I wanna see some progress."

"I'm- I think holding hands is enough progress, sir. I don't think I'm ready to move on much past that yet..." The words kept getting caught in my throat but the puzzled expression on his face made me rethink why I'd even assume he meant progress in getting over you.

"I mean with your sketches, Alexis..." There was an awkward silence in the room that followed, so I looked to the ground and ran into his office without another word.

He closed the door behind him and walked slowly to his desk. Once he sat down, he leaned back and folded his hands on his stomach, facing me and acted like he was waiting. I reached into my bag and started fumbling for my sketchbook when he stopped me and told me that's not what he wants to see yet. "I want to know why you've been so sad and why you've been so reluctant to draw or see me or talk to anyone." I stared at him, dumbfounded by the brassiness he felt enabling him to feel like this was okay. Wasn't he crossing a line here?

"I'm sorry?" I tried not to snap because it was Mr. Davidson. He was the one who inspired me to pursue more than Nordstrom's fitting rooms and he was the one who'd given me so many opportunities, but I felt uncomfortable in that chair for the first time in nearly a year of going there.

"I've been soft on you and I've been lenient, but I know sometimes people just want to be snapped out of whatever funk they're in but they have no way to do it themselves. So here I am. I'm your snap." He leaned forward and grabbed a stack of papers from his desk to straighten them, then he placed them back in the same exact spot and his eyes fell back on me.

"I don't know what you're talking-"

"I've known Ian's had a little crush on you ever since your first visit. He wouldn't stop asking about you and then you showed up to that gallery with another boy and Ian was so upset. He never told me that directly, but he never talked about you the same way again until recently. And about the same time, you came in here with nothing done and nothing to show even though I know you're capable-"

"I have something to show, you just cut me-"

"And now you're holding hands with him in the lobby and finally starting to sketch again. I'm no fool ya know, I know what love can do to you."

"I'm not in love with Ian," I felt anger starting to rise inside me, though I'm not quite sure why because love isn't a terrible thing. I just knew it didn't apply to Ian.

"I'm not saying you are. I'm saying I know what love can do to you. It can inspire you, and it can make you feel like you're flying. But I also know that when love leaves, it leaves you alone to crash and burn." I wanted to interrupt him to tell him he was wrong, but I knew better. He knew exactly what was going on with me and I let him tell me, because somebody had to. Somebody had to make it real for me. "You and Zayn broke up a while ago, I knew it the day you came in here after it happened. It was like you'd lost a piece of yourself, and I hope to god you find it again someday, I really do. I also know Ian is one of the most uplifting people I've had the pleasure to meet. He's always smiling and he's always on your side." He stood from his chair and walked around in front of his desk to lean against it, crossing his feet in front of him and faced me again. "I saw your crash and I know Ian's a tempting way to heal yourself, but please don't use him as a stepping stone to get better. I love you both and I don't want this to end badly. I've had rebounds in my time, and none of them ended up well."

I sat there, stunned.

He was right. In every conceivable way, he was right but I was also selfish. And with you leaving me to my own devices, I felt like I deserved to be selfish for once in my life. I deserved a boy who gave and never cared about whether things would come back to haunt them in the end. That's all you were- you were a boy haunted by your mother and by the uncertainty of the future and you were haunted by me wanting to love you more than you could handle. So instead of letting the demons get to you, you ran and became one of them. You became the ghost who haunted me instead, and I deserved better than that.

"Mr. Davidson," I felt the determination to make myself and my life right rise inside me and I couldn't help the smile that washed over me as I let go of your shadow. "I have at least 20 sketches in here I'd like to show you and if you'd be willing to forget the past few weeks, I'd be willing to put in enough work to make up for the motivation I lacked." I handed him my notebook and he nodded, turning to return behind his desk so he could display my drawings flat between us both.

As he looked over my dresses made of silk and the cotton tshirts I designed over the past four days, I felt myself burn at the cheeks, except this time it was with pride as he smiled at me from across the desk and told me, "You, Miss Jenson, have impeccable taste. Urban Outfitters is extremely lucky to have you on board."

 


End file.
